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| 1st challenge for me in 2008
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I am having my first challenge of the year!!!
I am strong enough to handle whatever comes my way. I have had to decide what relationships in my life empower me and what relationships are not healthy. That has been a good thing for me. It's difficult to go through, but very freeing after it's done. However we are all connected and the relationships we have had along the way are all connected in some way, shape or form.
It's a long story how and why I had to cut one of my friends out of my life, but she was a big part of my childhood and all the way through our late 30's and it was not an easy decision but I had to cut the ties with her like 5 years ago.
It was very hard on me to make this decision but I knew it needed to be done and I had to take a stand. I think about her often and am sad it has to be this way. She has tried to re-connect with a few times.
I have been in Colorado (my home town) for the holidays and I get a call from her daughter telling me about Lexi (my ex-friends niece) and that she is dying. She is 28 years old and her body is completely shutting down from drug and alcohol abuse, well this hit me pretty hard because we had a big hand in raising this young lady, her own Mother use to drop her off with us to babysit her and not come back for weeks sometimes to get her. So here we were young teenagers with a 2-3 year old little girl that has been dumped off by her Mom and we (my friend) and I would have to figure out what to do with her. Pretty screwed up shit here. So needless to say we had a special bond with Lexi.
Well over the years Lexi grew up to be a little bit out of control and we watched her go through some pretty tuff stuff in her life and watched her get into drugs and getting pregnant and having babies that were born addicted to drugs and all kinds of stuff, she would clean up her act for a while and then she would disappear again to the scary place, that is what I call it when people are addicted to drugs, the scary place. Lexi even came to my house and robbed me of my jewelery and went and pawned it, so I had about had it with her and the next thing I knew she was gone and out of reach again. From what I am hearing she has been missing for a long time. Now she reaches out to her family from her death bed. She was in the hospital and they released her saying there was nothing more they could do for her and she is now with her father and hospice is there, she is just waiting to die.
I don't know how her Father came into the picture again because he was never been around either when she was growing up, he basically was a loser drug abuser and a dead beat Dad. He use to be a very good friend of mine too but then the drugs took him away from us, and my Brother was walking on the wild side with him for many years, thank God my brother snapped out of the drug abuse a long time ago and came back around. :) but anyway.... Now as I'm hearing he took her into her home to watch her die and try to make up for many lost years and he is struggling with regrets himself right now. What a fucking mess.
Now this is where the challenge lays for me right now. Lexi is going through the process of a dying person and she wants to make amends and well I want to see her too and say my good-byes, I loved this little girl with all my heart and I am an emotional wreck right now, but I still need to be wise enough to know there is a whole lot of things that will go along with this visit. A whole screwed up bunch of stuff that I have left behind, a bunch of people that have not taken any control of lives and want to blame each other and they have lived their lives in a way that all they have are emotional baggage and regrets. I want to see her really bad and I will go see her but I need to figure out how to deal with the rest of the stuff that is going to go along with it.
Boy this is tuff, God give me strength right now to be able to deal with all of this with grace and dignity, care, concern and compassion and yet make sure I take care of myself emotionally.
I can do this!
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Posted by trevorjohn on 2008-01-02 00:26:37 | Rating: | Views: 190
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Oh dear God.
No wonder we bonded!
That sounds just like my extended family drama.
I am so sorry that you have to deal with this.
May wisdom well up inside of you, to give you guidance to deal with this.
You are in my prayers friend.
Now I know what you meant by your Sh** entry.
Peace my friend.
May peace envelope you.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2008-01-02 17:19:09
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kudos to you for taking the time to consider your own emotional health before you rushed into a situation that could drag you down...you are no help to anyone unless you are strong enough to support them without falling in to the pit yourself. my prayers are with you.
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Posted by kmalbro
on 2008-01-02 21:05:53
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DS I have certainly felt a bond with you, one day we will meet!
I am gathering as much wisdom as I can.
Peace is what I continue to seek.
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Posted by trevorjohn
on 2008-01-03 01:28:38
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kmalbro I have not always considered my own emotional health.
It is a work in progress.
Thank you for your prayers!
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Posted by trevorjohn
on 2008-01-03 01:30:47
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Hey Trev you have a good heart, and a strong mind,you will do what you know is best for you and her,my Thoughts will be with you...
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Posted by Wayne
on 2008-01-03 08:56:48
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It's just you and her there. Nothing or no one else matters right now. You don't have to deal with any of the others unless you feel the need to. Spend a loving time with Lexi and then leave. Deal with the other stuff later when you feel like you can handle it. Good luck.
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2008-01-03 13:16:18
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a work in progress is the perfect description....good luck with your endeavor. there is no time like the present to tackle the most important project of all: yourself.
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Posted by kmalbro
on 2008-01-03 15:20:45
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If God brings you to it,
He will bring you THROUGH it.
For He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.
For some reason God has brought you to this place at this moment in time. He will not abandon you. He walks before us in every situation in our lives. I'm praying that God will hold you especially close during this difficult and confusing time. You are under His protection my dear. My prayers are with you. Peace
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Posted by ColoradoDreamin
on 2008-01-04 00:54:35
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