to what may be my only release from now on.

Ive spent the last half hour, looking for a blog site that i could sign up to to get all this off my chest.
I hope someone out there can help me.


At 3am this morning, my boyfriend told me why he had been so down all evening.
His ex committed suicide, and left a note saying she loved him.

What am i supposed to do.

I sat and cried, and cried and cried.
I then tried to ring my best friend, but she wasnt answering. Ive gone back to the only thing I knew to deal with stress, and upset.

I just cut my self 3 times.



I spent  year self harming, bulimic and suicidal. It was only when my suicide attempt failed that i sought help. And so far and been well on the way to recovery. I have multiple scars on my arms, and leg, all still very red and prominant even after a year.

Basically, long story short, my mum never really got over Nanas death, ( 5 years ago) and is still depressed over it. The slightest thing will push her over the edge, into the darkest place ive ever seen anyone. And Ill be honest, a lot of the time its very very hard to deal with. But shes getting there (:


Andy is the only thing keeping me going at the moment. I know ive found true love.
" Love is not who you live with, its who you cant live without"

I cant live without him. Hes amazing with me, and even though my depressive fazes arent so bad any more, hes the only one that can get me out of them.


You know thoses moments when you hear something so shocking, or upsetting, that it forces your heart in your mouth, while at the same time you want to throw up. then slowly as the shock goes away, you can feel your heart slipping back into place, and slowly realise its supposed to be beating. Thats exactly what happened.

Then i started crying.


I cant explain the guilt I felt. I know Im in love with him, but she took her own life because she couldnt be with him. What do I do? Does that mean she loves him more the fact she killed herself for him? I dont know what to say to him.

Can I still tell him I love him?
How can I when the last thing he heard/saw from her was " i love andy "

Her last words were her declaring her love for him.
Her last words.

She cant retract that statement.
Its everlasting and eternal.

Its everthing I want mine and Andy's love to be.

How Fucking Ironic.




Its now 4:16. and i doubt ill sleep tonight. ill sit here, and hope to god someone can talk to me about this.


ive run out of tears... not a first.

I need a fag.... i have none.
): Please help me someone.

I was so happy, and now, well its gone....

This Is Real Life. And I'm Scared.
I Cant Deal With It.
And I So Desperatly Want To Prove I Can Do This.


Jess. x