Stupid finals; they are making my life very difficult right now. I really have to buckle down and study right now. I am trying to hang out with my friends, but I don’t have much time right now. I am sure that Kael is angry at me. I kind of blew him off to go to a study group session, but I tried to explain how badly I needed the help, but I don’t think that he quite got it.

They only people that I seem to see much of are the ones that I have classes with. There is this one girl who really needs help in math and I seem to be the wiz, with math, these days. I am helping her out and she seems to keep flirting with me. I know that nothing will ever come from it. She is waiting for her missionary to come home (She is essentially engaged). We are becoming good friends, but all of that flirting is making me crazy. I really don’t think that we could be friends if she keeps flirting with me. I know that I will confuse the playful flirting for real interest. I might misstep and take her joking, flirtatious, interest as romantic interest and do something regrettable.

She asked me to make dinner for her. I don’t know how good of an idea that would be, but I said “sure”. That is going to be a really difficult day. I am starting to fall for her. She is funny and interesting, but I would screw up a nice friendship if I ever acted on my feelings. I know that she will never feel for me like I am starting to feel for her. I should find someone or something else to occupy my thoughts between breaths.

I see people from my study groups all the time. In my math class we have a study session at least twice a week now, and that number might go up to three next week. The sessions last for at least three hours. I have a hard time concentrating for that long. I need to take a break halfway through.

I don’t have any tests yet, but they are less than a month away. I am concerned about the grades that I am going to get. I have kind of neglected my other classes for my math, but I don’t want to fail that one. If I fail, then I have to take it over. The other classes I think I will do ok, but if I don’t do well in that math class, especially after the amount of work that I have put into it. Grrrrr

I don’t know how I am going to make it through the summer. Once summer hits I won’t have a therapist until fall. I can’t afford to see one while I am not registered for school. I am so glad that the school provides therapy for cheap. I only pay ten buck a session. I know that it would be at least twenty times that if I wanted to have therapy during the summer. I only hope that I don’t have a real problem this summer.

I worry about when I am going to be able to graduate. I have a lot of credits, but not the ones that I need to graduate. I will need another math class, science class, and a bunch of classes that are for my major. I don’t think that I will have enough money once my dad stops helping me. I have money saved but it is tied up in a retirement fund. I would have to pay a penalty to use the money for school. I can’t touch it until I turn 59.

I have started to move into a more stress free state. I try to listen to easier going music. I try to hang with some of my friends when I have the chance. That really helps. My buddy Colton’s girlfriend’s birthday was this week. We all had pizza, and watched Monty Python’s Meaning of Life. I just got to chill with some friends. I didn’t have to worry about what was due tomorrow or when the next test was.

Right now, I am glad that I don’t have a girlfriend. I am sure that she would take my studying as not wanting to spend time with her. That’s what happened to me last spring. My ex thought that I “studying” to get away from her. I think that it is what started us down the path towards the end of that relationship. Not that I don’t want a girlfriend, but right now it would be something else to have to fit in to my life and I just don’t have time right now.

Its only three more weeks until finals start. I have to just plug in and study. I have to not take fake flirting as the real thing. I have to make my life as un-stressful as possible. I have to not falter; be cautious of my steps in the final days of the term.