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Reflection On High School.

One of my peers recently posted a reflection that inspired me to write one as well. Most of you know me as Caitlin Alexander, the girl from Virginia who works at the lunch cart. In reality, that is who I am, but it is my firm belief that a person is always who they once were, if that makes sense.

For my entire three years at James Madison Middle School, I had the two greatest friends I could've ever asked for. We had a lot of fights and stupid disagreements, but all-in-all we were there for each other and we had way more laughs than we ever had fights. I know you all remember the Gigglebunnies!! <3. Somehow though, when the ninth grade rolled around, we went our seperate ways. Honestly, I was so wrapped up in my douche of a boyfriend that I forgot my friends. That was my biggest mistake. This person was not my first boyfriend. He was not my "first" either, but I loved him none-the-less. Looking back, I feel like I was not in love like I thought I was. Perhaps I was entralled, and in love with the idea of him loving me. I spent a year with him, sharing my life and troubles with him and trusting him completely. Then he did something stupid, and I lost all trust and faith I had in the opposite sex. And in anyone really.

After that, I became depressed, and my depression stemmed from something else entirely, but it was there. Even though I went to church every chance I got, I still could not shake that empty lonely feeling. There was someone who wanted to help ease my pain and loneliness and who wanted me for everything I had to offer and who never hurt me before. I suppose I trusted him, and still do, but I could not get close, and I eventually pushed him away as well. At the time, I could not see his sincerity and his true passion, so I assumed he was not being true, and that eventually hurt me more than anything. Through all my pain, which was like a tunnel for my eyes; causing me to only see the now and what was hurting me, I could not see that I was causing others around me tremendous pain too. For that, I am deeply sorry. And to "the One" (which I whole-heartedly believe is true) I am sorry. You were an angel to me and I hurt you. I am sorry. It will never be that way again. I wanted you to see that I was in pain, and that I was screaming out for help with the cuts on my arms and the sadness in my eyes, and you did see, you tried to help and I pushed you away. That will never happen again.

For years, I have been hiding beneath my tough shell, letting no one in and letting nothing out. I finally made a friend out here and got really close with her, and then she was gone as quickly as she came and I was alone again. That pushed me back even further as far as trusting people. As far as being alone goes, I feel like maybe I am coming out of my shell slowly this year. I am trying to make connections with my peers and trying to stop living in Virginia. I really do love Mills. It's given me such a wonderful education, one I could not of dreamed of in Roanoke. I am so grateful for the oppurtunities the school has given me, but I feel as if these oppurtunities came at a high price. I have sacrificed much of my personal life and happiness so that I could take advantage of this amazing school's resources. I have a job, which is somewhat demeaning since I am serving my classmates, but it gives me a sense of wonderful self satisfaction because I know I am earning what I deserve. It pisses me off when I hear people in the hallways complaining about Mills, or saying "Gawd, I hate this school", because they do not realize how good it really is. Back in Virginia, there are no schools even matching Mills in education or oppurtunity. Poverty rates are diving where I come from, and it truly saddens me when these middle-upper class kids complain because the work is "too hard" or they got a mean teacher. TOUGH! Life is hard . People look at me like I am weird or pushy when I try to help or give advice, But I have been all over the country and even the world, and I have expirienced more than some people get to in a lifetime. My advice to you is just keep going. Life is hard, it always will be. Nothing any one can do or say will change that. Remember also, If God brings you to it, He alone will bring you through it.

My years here at Mills have been very lonely and self-destructive. I have been stuck in Virginia. I will never accept San Francisco as my home, because my heart is laying in the dirt on a farm in Franklin County Virginia. It's beating and waiting patiently for my return. I think, that because of my refusal to accept this life, I cannot continue to live it properly. Something's gotta give right? So temporarily, Until May 28th, This is my home. I want to live. I want someone to rescue me. Realizing how much I want that has helped me realize that only I can rescue myself.

My life was not as bad as I made it out to be. There were MANY rough spots I did not believe me or my family could get through. But we did. I am happy with the way I turned out and the person I am. I have my family and TRUE friends to thank for that. The thing about growing up is, you really do realize who your real friends are. Those people you used to kick it with at lunch or on the smoke spot before school. They arent it. The people who stick by you and listen and care are the ones who are worth your time.

I am content. My fear of God has pushed me into becoming a better person. I am looking forward to walking the stage with my class and passing into a new world, ready to take on the challenges the world is definately going to throw at me. Im ready to be strong for those I love, or else I will end up alone and I dont want that.

Im done with my reflection. It feels great to get things out and finish up unfinished business. There will be peace in the valley for me....

Posted by tourettegirl on 2009-11-01 15:25:37 | Rating: