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Saturday

Have you ever felt that dawning of loneliness unexpectedly? You wonder how come you never realized it before… but with all that ache inside you, you can’t help but think: has it always been there? Or have you just successfully impeded its growth rightly — conveniently — that you lose all other emotions other normal beings feel?

I have noticed, every time I wake up during Saturdays, when I have no training to rush to or any pressing matters to do, I go start my day with my usual coffee whatever time it be. I go down the stairs, unmindful of the workers at our gate or to the bright piercing light enveloping our living room.

I’d squint and trudge to the dining room wanting only coffee to jumpstart my day. Making coffee would be mechanical: cup, teaspoon, instant coffee, creamer, hot water, and stir. As the aroma whiffs up, my mind wakes up as the coffee kicks my brain cells to life.

It just came to my attention this morning that from that walk down the stairs, to making coffee until the coffee starts kicking my brain alive, my mind remains blissfully dormant. What’s more, after my brain cells are forced to wake up, my emotions plummet and I’d realize loneliness would start eating whatever non-feelings I’d start the day with.

And just like that, Saturdays become melancholic to the medical student in me. I’d imagine that my dearly non-medical-student friends have been seeing more than what life I won’t since I’m holed up in school with a sentence until I get that “MD-MBA” after my name.

I’d question, “what really is on the other side?” In having a paying job, with other people to deal with, without the politics of a classroom, without the nuisance of a five-year sentence I have with a roomful of people I would be seeing everyday until those letters are mine.

Is it so bad? At twenty-four years of age, in our rapidly decreasing economy and increasing population, I wonder: did I really choose that right kind of life I want? Or have I been pushed into this illusion and god-like mindset that I can change the world?

These thoughts have been plaguing me. Would I have been married already if this wasn’t the path I chose? Would I be more content if I wasn’t spending more time with books and theories but with friends and warm-blooded thinking beings?

I chalk all these thoughts and questions to my melancholy every Saturday morning when I find myself alone in a beautiful house with only coffee to warm and fill this void I’ve been carrying around … sadly, for a long time now.