Well here I am finally giving this blogging thing a try. Hopefully under the cloak of disguise my true idenity will never be revealed .  This way I can freely express myself and never have to suffer the consquences of my emotions.  Why  should I be in hiding from the truth you ask?  If my true emotions were ever to be made public then everyone would know the life I have been living is a lie.
     I have been married for 10 years.  Ten long lonely desperate years.  I got married out of revenge out of spite and out of stubborness. Not for love as most people would.  I married to get even, to do the right thing and to prove everyone else wrong.  Now the joke is finally all upon me.  All of my friends have families of their own living their own happily ever afters and I sit here alone contemplating my life these last 10 years.  Wasted.  I have grown older past my prime. Let my body go to hell where as no man would want me now.  At least not a good looking one.  It wasnt always like this.  I once had a great love. This is what my blog is about. How I once had such a fine young man and let him go. 
     I was 16, and there he was tank top and cut off shorts. The year was 1992 .  Location northern WV.  I was dating another guy when this hunk of manhood stood before me. He was cute funny and very macho.   I smiled and he smiled back.  But I was dating his best friend so that's all there was were smiles.  Soon after the friend grew tired of my constant dismay to his advances to physically advance our relationship and broke up with me.  Paving the way for the " hunk of manhood" to ask me out.  He was a dream come true.  He was respectful, honest, and oh yeah he had a truck.  I couldnt have been happier.  It was honestly puppy love at first sight.  He opened my eyes to a whole new realm of freedom.  My friends loved him, my family adored him and I quickly fell head over heels for him too.  Day turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months into years.  He asked me to marry him on our 2nd anniversary.  In front of my friends candle light and all I accepted and ran to tell the whole world.  I was marrying my high school sweetheart!  Life was good.
     Then came the day when I realized that there just maybe was more fish in the sea. I was evil.  I broke his heart.  Broke my own in the process.  Just for a week at the beach to have a lil fun.  I truly belived everything would go back to normal when i got home.  I was naive.  Of course it didnt. He didnt want me anymore.  I was ruined!  Im sure it hurt him tremendously but he has never told me his side of the story. So this is all one sided.  I rebelled once I got home. Dated anyone I could find.  Finally risking it all for a man i'll call trouble.  He was older, dark, mysterious.  He made me feel sneaky and I loved every minute of it.  My friends hated him.. He's too old they said.  My family was wary of a man twice divorced already.  But I was the black sheep. The rebel child.  The one to prove to the world I could change it.  I didnt listen when they said no.  I played with fire when finally  the fire burned me the fateful day when clear blue easy showed me those two pink lines.  There was my life. I screwwed up now only to right by God and my family.  Hell I can still be spiteful get revenge make people jealous I thought.  I'll marry him and show to every one That I can make it work.  That was 10 years ago.  I threw all myfriends away. I didnt need them when I had HIM. He was all I would ever need.  I couldnt have been more wrong. Once I realized the I did indeed need my friends I tried to make ammends and Ask for forgivness .  One forgave me readily , the other not so readily.  I had to prove I was indeed happy and the HE was truly the love of my life.  Yep she saw right thru my smoke screen and realized I was still as lonely as ever.  Then came the fateful day 2 years ago when I was asked to make a trip.
        This wasnt any ordinary trip you see. This was the trip I had waited for since june of 1995. This was the time I was to see the "hunk of manhood" for the first time in over 10 years.  Everything had to be perfect. My clothes my smile my laugh.  I wanted to show him all I had become. Just maybe Just maybe there was something left.  I of course asked my husband to go with me. I was relieved when he declined to be my " boy toy" as he so ellouquently put it.   So off I went on the 13 hour road trip to my past.  Upon setting my eyes on HIM at first I thought He hadnt aged so well.  But then there was his smile. The smile I had missed for so long.  I couldnt stop staring at him.  I tried to keep busy.   tried not to look at him. I tried not to imagine my self in his arms.   It was no use.  I could feel the chemistry.  The vibe told me somthing was going to happen. It was up to me whether or not to accept it.  
        Then I kissed him. The kiss that made time stop.  The door was open. My heart laid in his hands. What lay ahead I didnt care as long as whatver I was feeling never stopped.  I wanted him, I wanted his love.  He was coy with his awnsers , we laughed, we played ,we reminencsed . I let every botteled up emotion burst forth through my lips to his ears.  Hoping my apoligizes would make a softening in his heart.  But it was all for naught.  He heard my words but I believe they fell on either deaf ears or a cold heart.  He said the right things touched me the right way. I was so desparte to feel his love I was oblivious to all the warning signs.  Yes we made love It was  more passion than I had ever known. But it was all me. He was just a snake in the grass waiting for his chance.  I poured my heart and soul out to him. Gave 100 percent of what I had.  He gobbeled it all up and gave none in return.  I havent heard from him since that night. I only have my memories to remind me of what I once had and threw away . He finally got his laugh on me. He is happily living up life as a bacholer while I sit in a loveless marriage Dreaming of the one that got away.