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well i guess i was wrong
just when i thought things couldnt get any worse
it did
and this time
its something that i think
ill be kicking myself in the ass for
for the rest of my life
living with a disease thats incurable....
only controlled with pills at the right time...
and even then
itll never take away its pain
hmm....
i guess too much loving can only be painful
lol
in more than one way
.....
i cant believe that it happened to me though
me.... the one who denied any and all possibilities
of it happening to me
the person who in health class said
"nah.... im smarter than that
im more responsible"
and that shit went out the window
the second i found out about it
yes
im not going to die
and yes
it wont affect having a normal life
but still
i wake up thinking about it
every time i look at a guy
i get disgusted
i dont even want my friends to hug me
let alone touch me
i was the nice one
i was the good one
i was the best
even if it was only in my eyes
but ive been looking at myself
from the view of others
and how idiotic was that
so concerned of everyone's opinion
that i forgot how important
to listen to my own
i knew that what i had been doing was wrong
messing with guys who had their wives and girlfriends
but i never thought that God would punish me like this
i didnt know
i didnt want to know
but i didnt understand
i needed his touch
i needed to know that he was still mine
yes i know its been a year already
hes done moved on and has a life set for him already
yes hes gone miles and miles away from me
with someone else
hes gone....
just gone...
but look at me now
im still in love with you
and theres nothing that i can do about it now
fine
ill live and move on
but im moving on
with what i have
maybe itll smoothen my perks
and release me from the thoughts and expectations
of others
ive been doing it for soooo long
i cant believe that i have been under them for sooo long
but i breathe my own air
ill stand on my own feet
and ill speak my own words...

thanks karma
for hitting me hard
and gaining my consciousness back

or at least i hope you did