i miss him. only 15 months apart, we did everything together when we were young.  we hardly ever fought, and we shared a lot of secrets.  he was my favorite cousin for as long as i could remember.  he's had some bad breaks along the way, but i always held out hope that somehow, he'd make it out ok. 

in 2005, he was injured while working.  he severely broke his leg and was in therapy for a long time learning to walk again.  i remember him being on crutches for what seemed like forever.  he would go anywhere we went....sometimes even "hobbling" to the party instead of waiting for a ride.  i hated it because he always had to have the front seat anywhere we rode.  a few months later, his father passed away after a real short illness.  it was a shock to everyone, but especially him.   he lived with his father when he became ill, but didn't spend the necessary time with him talking and being loved/loving.

the year he buried his father is also the same year he became addicted to pain killers (2006).  3 months after the passing, he was in a horrible accident in which he witnessed a gruesome scene.  he was in the backseat of a car that struck an electrical pole.  knowing there were friends on motorcycles behind them, he ran towards them so they may avoid the downed lines.  he was too late...as he tried in vain to warn them, he witnessed the decapitation of the 2 people riding.  the bike skidded out of control, throwing the lifeless bodies off and knocking him to the ground, reinjuring his leg. 

in one year his life crumbled before his eyes.  he witnessed the death of his father, 2 friends, and he was alone and injured.  the small town doctor knew of these personal tragedies and had no problem over prescribing him with large weekly quantities of: oxycontin, oxycodone, hydrocodone, percoset, darvocet, xanax, vicodin, etc.   not once was any therapy suggested to help him deal with the traumatic events he witnessed and still has nightmares about.  i have a huge family, and we've all tried to rally around him, but the more we push, the more he pushes back. 

fast forward 2 years, he is still addicted to pills.  he's tried everything under the sun and knows as much as your local pharmacy technician.  he can tell you names and milligrams by description. he's completely out of it most of the time, nodding his head and saying "i hear ya" but he really doesn't.  in the mornings, he is the most wonderful person i remember growing up with, but around 10-11 am, he's making phone calls and disappearing for a few hours.  we know where he's going.

we've tried everything.  he's been in a treatment facility, he's moved 3 states away (but you'll always find the same crowd), we've staged interventions, both formal and informal.  nothing is working. 

i want to say EFF him and not care about him.  that would make it easy to handle the news i'm dreading to hear.   i want to hug him everytime i see him because i fear that sometimes it's going to be the last time i hug him.   i love him so much, but there's only so much disappointment and heartbreak i can take.  everytime i get my hopes for him up, the smashes them to pieces.  he's a liar and a theif, not my childhood best friend anymore......and that hurts.