With my personality, the culture I live in, and just the intense change going on in my life, I can't seem to ever life for now. To live in the present wholly and joyfully. Instead I'm worrying about the future or mulling over the past and it's just so unsatisfying and empty. 

But every once in awhile I do find that joy. I don't know how to describe it, it's just this feeling of freedom. Like it doesn't matter and everything gets put into its proper perspective and you realize that everything that matters is there, it's just all of the stuff that in the end DOESN'T matter but tricks you to think it's what ONLY matters is what I'm usually obsessing over. When I forget about my career, my paycheck, my student loans, my future ability to buy a house or provide for my children, I then realize how loved I am by God, by my fiancee, by my family, by friends and everything just settles. When I remember that my lack of control means I relinquish control to the only Man Above who has control, I suddenly find myself in that place of bliss. But in only a split second I can be jolted into the false reality of the world - the reality which makes me daily want more, more and more.