"Life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get until you open up the box"

Every day changes. Some are good, some are bad. Some are awful, horrible, distressing. At the moment, I don't really enjoy the chocolates. At the moment they're awful every day.

I'm back at my psychologist. Maybe it's a good thing - at least I physically talk to someone each week about everything. I need to be able to express myself.

Don't get me wrong - I think I have one of the best bunches of friends in the world - but right now I just can't admit the truth to them. Every day I try to hide behind an invisible blanket, shading them from my true feelings. I've been through depression before and I've got out of it. Perhaps that's my problem. I'm afraid to admit I'm bad again. My friends look up to me, because I've preached to them the gift of life and how going through depression makes you realise everything really is amazing (that's once you're no longer depressed of course). And now, now I just can't admit that things aren't so good again. I'm afraid that they won't look up to me. I'm afraid that I'll shrink to nothingness. I love them and they are my support - so why is it feeling like an impossible task to lean on them? Why can't I let them get close to the truth?

As for my family... they are my best friends and my worst enemies. Sometimes I get along so well with my Mum and Dad, even my sister and brother. Lately though, my sister and I have been worst enemies. We can not agree, we can not get along. Our personalities are clashing and I don't know what to do. I want to stop doubting her love for me, I want people to see us as best friends not worst enemies. I want to be best friends with her. My family is going crazy right now. They don't understand the depression and they can't get their head around me being so sad. Home is like the place I let go but am I letting them down by openly crying?

So many questions and no answers. I just need some direction. I just need some truth.

xxx