so...its been almost a month!! well, not quite....but its been a while since me and alan have broke up "officially". when we first broke up i was so confident. fuck that petty ass boy...i can find somebody soooo much better....im sooo glad we broke up.

but the reality is...i really love him.
like, not the infatuation type love that is reserved for highschoolers (although he does STAY on my mind)...but the real love that is in your gut. i've been trying to act sooo hard ever since it happened. i've been trying to act like it didn't phase me. but it did. it does.
i went through stages. first happy, then DESTROYED, then complacent, then depressed, then nonchalant....now i just feel empty.
like, my nights that were once filled with him, are filled with nothingness. i know that i should go out and try new things and stay around friends and find other distractions...but none of them work.

alcohol only dulls the emptiness for brief periods of time, but even in those times...i want him. this whole situation just sucks. i dont want us to get back together because i know that some stuff has happened that is unforgettable and it would just be on our minds throughout the whole relationship...but then by the same token, i do want to get back together again.

i miss his kisses and how he could always tell the mood i was in by how i bit my lip. i miss waking up next to him and having him rub my hair back from my face. i miss those sweet little moments that his eyes would connect with mine and everything for that mere second just clicked, like the whole universe was in balance. i miss his smiles, and his laughs. i miss play fighting with him that always led to kissing that led to. and boy do i miss that!!! i mean, i know ppl who enjoy sex much more than i...but sex with him was different. i never felt weird afterwards, he made me totally comfortable with being naked...and it was genuinely the best sex i ever had.

more than anything, i miss the way he made me feel. i miss the way i used to feel when picking him up from work. no matter how tired i was, i was always so happy when i saw his face...and then being able to kiss him and say hey baby, how was work? i miss sitting with him fighting over the remote control. i miss having to leave at 2 oclock in the morning when his mom was mad at him. i miss his hugs and how he used to pick me up and lift me so high that i thought i was gonna get my throat cut by the ceiling fan. i miss him playing his music in my car. i miss going to KFC. i miss begging for his pink button up. i miss looking at him. i miss being with him. i really miss this man in my life.

i've never been so hung up before, and i've never not been able to move on. thinking about this things makes me cry to the point where my back hurts and my pillow is soaked. i don't know what to do. i really don't.

help. please.