Thoughts.com

what do people mean when they say things?!?
im starting to wonder if anything is genuine, if anything is real?!?


i guess i'll just have to keep getting let down by everyone around me...and hope that one day things will change.

so...its been almost a month!! well, not quite....but its been a while since me and alan have broke up "officially". when we first broke up i was so confident. fuck that petty ass boy...i can find somebody soooo much better....im sooo glad we broke up.

but the reality is...i really love him.
like, not the infatuation type love that is reserved for highschoolers (although he does STAY on my mind)...but the real love that is in your gut. i've been trying to act sooo hard ever since it happened. i've been trying to act like it didn't phase me. but it did. it does.
i went through stages. first happy, then DESTROYED, then complacent, then depressed, then nonchalant....now i just feel empty.
like, my nights that were once filled with him, are filled with nothingness. i know that i should go out and try new things and stay around friends and find other distractions...but none of them work.

alcohol only dulls the emptiness for brief periods of time, but even in those times...i want him. this whole situation just sucks. i dont want us to get back together because i know that some stuff has happened that is unforgettable and it would just be on our minds throughout the whole relationship...but then by the same token, i do want to get back together again.

i miss his kisses and how he could always tell the mood i was in by how i bit my lip. i miss waking up next to him and having him rub my hair back from my face. i miss those sweet little moments that his eyes would connect with mine and everything for that mere second just clicked, like the whole universe was in balance. i miss his smiles, and his laughs. i miss play fighting with him that always led to kissing that led to. and boy do i miss that!!! i mean, i know ppl who enjoy sex much more than i...but sex with him was different. i never felt weird afterwards, he made me totally comfortable with being naked...and it was genuinely the best sex i ever had.

more than anything, i miss the way he made me feel. i miss the way i used to feel when picking him up from work. no matter how tired i was, i was always so happy when i saw his face...and then being able to kiss him and say hey baby, how was work? i miss sitting with him fighting over the remote control. i miss having to leave at 2 oclock in the morning when his mom was mad at him. i miss his hugs and how he used to pick me up and lift me so high that i thought i was gonna get my throat cut by the ceiling fan. i miss him playing his music in my car. i miss going to KFC. i miss begging for his pink button up. i miss looking at him. i miss being with him. i really miss this man in my life.

i've never been so hung up before, and i've never not been able to move on. thinking about this things makes me cry to the point where my back hurts and my pillow is soaked. i don't know what to do. i really don't.

help. please.

i have so much crap to do.
with too little motivation to get it done.
im tired and overwhelmed.
im broke and have bills that need to be paid.
i have homework to do, and my brain is unfocused.
my chest hurts from smoking too much..
but cigarettes are the only thing keeping me alive.
i wish i knew mary poppins
so she could give me a spoonful of sugar
and help me organize my thoughts.
i wanna have fun.
but need to get things done.
i miss alan....
but the feeling's not mutual.
i wanna move on.
but my heart is holding back.

im just so hungry. i really feel like im starving to death.
whatever.
maybe i'll lose some weight.
i've been thinking about that a lot lately. taking no action, but thinking about it all the same.
i hate the bulge that my stomach has become
and the way my thighs rub together when i walk.
ew.
but i just love food too much. the kind that makes me fat.
i could just go to sleep
i should just go to sleep
but i find that sleep no longer holds the value it once did.
my nights are restless..although i've come to terms with this.
waking up multiple times during the night just means i get to fall asleep more than once.
im quite alright with that.
but my stomach is growling and the cheesy bugles just didnt do it for me.
im contemplating walking to my car and then driving all the way to taco bell.
but my gas tank is low..and i shouldnt spend money on food anyways.
so here i sit, fantasizing about all the types of food that i could be tasting.
mmmm...french toast sounds so good.
only not from DENNYS.
boycott that place PLEASSSEE!
i went there the other night, with dawnchele.
in my drunken stupor i didn't notice that my pancakes WEREN'T DONE.
assholes.
i just knew they tasted funny.
my trusty best friend pointed the gooeyness out to me.
i got new ones.
wait a minute. dammit. i have food at her house. FUCKKKK.
i could use that right now.
mmm...covered in syrup. the good kind.
thats one thing that you can't buy generic.
watered down syrup blows.