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| She called |
Fuck I figured she would seeing how it's my stepdaughters birthday. I knew she would. She told me to let her go. We faught. She said that's all we do. I know I should and I will, but fucking shit why is it so fucking hard once you hear the persons you love voice. I'm dying slowly. That's how it feels. My head is spinning my heart is pounding I feel anxious and I just want to call her back and tell her I love her and that I don't want to let go. But I know that would be stupid. I am so fucking hurt and confused and I just wan to hit something. I tore up a wall the last time she left. I have one huge hole in my room and several small ones. I don't want to fuck up my walls anymore. I just I don't even know. Agggggggggggggggggg I am so fucking frusturated and hurt. I woke up feeling good now I just want to crawl in a hole and bury myself in it and not deal with the world. I hate this. I feel so stupid. I told her I was so stupid for her and if she told me to hold on I would. She said I'm not stupid that's what love is. Love is the most beautiful thing in the world. Why is it when two people love each other things can't work. It is an abonitaion. I need her so bad and I don't want her at the same fucking time. I long for her to be here but then when she's here all I feel like is she's going to leave or I'm not good enough. I am so fucking fucked up in the head and heart. I never felt this way about anybody. And I am so scared that I never will agian I am so scared that I am making the mistake now by letting go. Love is the most complicated feeling we have yet it is the easiest one of them all. I love her with I my heart and soul. I feel so lost without her. I just want her home. But she doesn't feel the same. Part of me thinks she does want to be here. That what if she is hoping I will chase her because she wants to make sure I realy do love her. Well I feel so stupid I called her and asked her. She said she didn't want me to chase her. Fuck I am realy stupid. Oh well I guess like I've said letting go isn't easy. Wheather it's a msitake or not the choice has been made. I hate myself for allowing myself to fall this hard. But I don't regret it even though I got hurt. I would probably do it agin even knowing the out come. I want to say I hate her but it's not her I hate it's the choices she's made the choices I've made that I hate. I wish that there was a spell to erase the pain but I know that getting hurt is part of making a better person. But right now I don't want to I just want my wife back, my life back. I think I will always be in love with her and that scares me too. I don't want to be in love with someone that can't love me back. I don't want to be lilke Hemmingway not that I am a writer, just that he loved that girl so much and then when she finaly came for him he rejected her and spent his life in a bottle feeling sorry for himself. I am so fucking stupid.
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