by Hugh Lipsius a.k.a.thehughman1
"You shall have a song
As in a night when a holy festival is kept.
And gladness of heart as when one goes with a flute,
To come into the mountain of the LORD,
To the Mighty One of Israel. " Isaiah 30:29
"For on My holy mountain, on the mountain height of Israel," says the LORD GOD, "there all the house of Israel, all the of them in the land, shall serve Me; there I will accept them, and there I will require your offerings and the firstfruits of your sacrifices, together with all your holy things." Ezekial 20:40
Now it shall come to pass in the latter days
That the mountain of the LORD's house
Shall be established on the top of the mountains,
And shall be exalted above the hills:
And all nations shall flow to it.
Many people shall come and say,
"Come and let us go to the mountain of the LORD,
To the house of the GOD of Jacob;
He will teach us His ways,
And we shall walk in His paths."
For out of Zion shall go forth the law,
And the word of the LORD from Jerusalem.
Isaiah 2:2,3
And seeing the multitudes, He went up into the mountain, and when He was seated His disciples came to Him.
Then He opened His mouth and taught them...
Matthew 5:1,2
Into the Mountain (Part One)
By Hugh K. Lipsius
There was a time long ago when I thought I knew what love was; when I thought I knew how to love; when I thought what I was giving WAS…love. Yet I was sorely mistaken. It was not love at all. At least not the love I know today. Rather, it was a vain attempt at love, a self seeking love that needed to know it was received in order to return in kind, or it was unwilling to present itself. It gave only so that it could take for itself.
In the past I searched for objects of my affections, things outside of myself, a seeking and a quest that spanned many years of my life, only to end in frustration time and times and a half time again for what seemed to be an elusive creation. All too often it left me barren, dry, and unfulfilled. It was a search that left me questioning my own ability to love. However, it left alone my capacity and desire for it as though it wanted to be found…but on its own terms.
Why then did it seem that all my efforts failed? Each time it left me hurt and hurting those whom I attempted to love. Each attempt produced an excitement that would bring me to a pinnacle of loneliness before I fell, crashing to the ground once again in disappointment, fear, shame, and despair. Yet, once this took place, a yearning to search again would return and my quest would begin anew.
But why? Why was I always left standing alone atop that mountain peak, and in each end preferring almost to jump off rather than remain; preferring to die rather than stand alone in the heights? I had done this over and over again, never fully understanding why, yet never losing the yearning to try again until I learned what I was after…that is, until I felt I no longer had the strength to climb that mountain again…and yet, I did. I climbed it anyway; despite my fears, despite my misapprehensions, intent on proving to others that my love for them was all that mattered to me…and all that should matter to them.
This time though, as I dug and clawed and worked my way up the side of that mountain, destined for the top, I began to really question my ability to succeed, or even why I was attempting it again in the first place. I knew I could never climb high enough, and if I got to the top, I knew I wouldn’t be able to see a thing because the clouds would obscure my vision. This time as I climbed, I could hear the voices of those I left below, calling me, pleading with me to come down. They assured me that they loved me, yet in my stubbornness I continued to climb still higher. I thought, “This is my mountain. I will conquer it. Only I can sit at its top. It wasn’t their love down there that mattered. I would never be worthy of it unless I succeeded to the top. I had to sit on top of this mountain in order that all could see what I was willing to do to EARN their love. This way I could look down on them from the heights, to be far away from their love, because unless I made this climb, I would never be worthy to receive it, and so, to me, once again their love would be worthless.”
For some reason, the mountain seemed so much higher this time, the obstacles so much greater. Yet, as the voices down below reached my ears with the words, “But WE love YOU,” it only served to spur me on with a greater effort to climb still higher, putting distance between my love and theirs, until finally the voices grew silent. Once again I was left with my head in the clouds, apart from all that was dear. I could no longer hear the pleas to come down, or even see the faces that made them. And then, as in my past quests, once the voices grew silent and the faces could no longer be seen, that same loneliness began to creep in. With its icy fingers that curled around my heart it made death preferable over staying atop this mountain. I was in a place where I could not even judge distance correctly. I could not perceive the miles between one peak and the next. I was so far up in the clouds that at any given moment, I was standing at a shear drop off, unawares of my danger. I could SEE nothing from up here. Then, why…why was I even here again…what made me come to this place one last time? I felt as though I was standing between two eternities…past and future…heaven and hell…life and death.
When I reached the top this time, I just laid there for awhile, exhausted from the climb. Tiredness had come over me…one that I had never felt before…an emptiness I had never known. I wanted to cry. For the first time in years of seeking I wanted to shed so many tears from my heart. I wanted to purge myself of all the rage and frustration… the yearning… the disappointment… sorrow and fear. It was as though the whole mountain began to shake beneath me. My body was still trembling from the sheer effort of the climb. It was a climb that wore me out…that left me weak…that left me spent from effort. All of these served to make me forget why I even attempted to make the climb in the first place. What had I gained? What was I looking for? Why was I here? Where were the ones I climbed this mountain for in the first place? Why was I so alone on this mountain peak? Again? What did I need to learn?
As anger rose up inside me; that old familiar frustration began to bubble and boil and ferment inside me until it exploded into a primal, guttural, desperate scream… “See how much I love you,” I shouted from the heights. “But what...what, I say, have you ever done for me?” I shouted these same words over and over again for hours until I could no longer speak…but there was no one around to hear them. The empty expanse just seemed to absorb all that I had left to give, absorbing the words until they trailed off into little more than a whimper…”See… how… much… I… love… you.” … no response…only empty silence.
For a long time I just lay there, exhausted atop this great mountain peak, looking out across the great, empty darkness yet seeing nothing, small and more alone than I’d ever been before. For the longest time I just laid there in exhaustion before I began to perceive something terrible. Faces swirled about; faces of all those whom I convinced myself that I loved, whirling and spinning round and about. I tried to ignore them, but it was from their midst that I could hear the voices of them, a mixture of accusations mixed with tones of pleas and cries.
“See how much we loved you,” they moaned. “Can’t you see what you rejected? You were all that mattered to us. But you thought your love was all that mattered. You thought you could love, but you wouldn’t accept the love we had to give to you. You pretended as if ours never counted for anything, it didn’t fit your way. And now, there you lay, atop your heap of ravaged souls, all pitiful and filthy on your mountain of pride and we’re supposed to care…and we do, but you still refuse to.”
“What then...was our love to you not good enough for you? Or do you know something that we don’t…that you’re not good enough for our love? We never thought that way. We tried always to love you, but for some reason you refused what we tried to give. So, what makes you think that your love towards us is any better than what we try to offer? What makes you think yours is so grand? If you think it’s so great, then you can just keep it for yourself. We need someone to give our love to and obviously, you’re not it. You don’t want ours…you only want to feel like you’re giving yours. It’s not that great anyway…God’s is more…we’ve been hurt over and over by yours and that’s not what real, true love ever does…it never hurts. So you can just keep what you have and are trying to give, because you wanted the mountain more than you wanted us. You thought you had something to prove but in the end you made us worthless to what that was. Come down off of your mountain. It only separates you from all that really should matter.”
“What does really matter?”
What does really matter? That question rolled through my mind like thunder as I saw the swirling mass of faces spinning in my heart, in my mind, above me now in all that ever mattered. If I could only…
The mountain I stood atop suddenly began to quake. It swirled and shook and a great voice from a whirlwind overhead said, “Get down out of this mountain, son of man, and daughter of iniquity.”
In fear and trembling I began to make my way down from that mountain peak, running, stumbling, falling head long towards disaster as this mountain trembled with anticipation. I tried desperately this time to keep my feet under me, but to no avail. Losing my foundation, I tumbled and bounced, slid and rolled, scraped and grinded until eventually I found myself at the bottom of this heap of ruin to all that I’d ever attempted in the past.
For a moment all was still and I just lay there, silent. No sound could reach my ears. No thought could expose itself to my heart. I just lay there for days, unable to move long enough to nourish myself. And yet, strength found its way back to me as I finally staggered on feeble knees and stood once again, covered in filth and dirt, parched to the drying and dieing of my soul. The very bones in my body seemed to ache and groan within.
Now at the bottom of the mountain, I fully expected to see those for whom I thought I climbed this mountain for waiting with open arms to greet me, to help me, to hold me up again. I fully expected there to be someone there to give me a drink in order that I might wet my parched lips, moisten my dry heart, to tell me that they were glad to see me and that they still loved me. A love that I was now so desperate to receive.
I found no one; not a soul to comfort me or for me to tell of my foolishness for ever having climbed the mountain in the first place. No one to share my relief for being down in the valley where I belonged. No one…only myself and just as much alone as I was at the top of the mountain. The only ones present were me…and the mountain. And the mountain refused to yield…one that had consumed all of my strength in my many efforts to conquer its peaks. A mountain that had always left me without anyone as I stood at its base looking up, alone at the bottom. The objects of my affection had all left and without them, the mountain had lost its purpose. It was no longer worth conquering, defeating, climbing, subduing. No longer did I desire to have dominion over it, to sit on its peak as though it were a kingly throne to lord from. It had lost its purpose and had become something I loathed.
As I stood alone at its base, all I wanted to do was curse this mountain, but I knew somehow that it was not to blame. I knew that I had only myself to blame for the many failed attempts to conquer it. So rather than curse its heights, I fell down on my knees before it, and with great tears in my eyes, I looked up beyond its peak, into the wide expanse of clouds that surrounded it and I prayed, “God, look down upon me and see what foolishness I’ve become.”
Again the mountain shook.
With fire and great clouds of smoke belching from its top, a voice from within beckoned me to enter the mountain, a command I was too frightened to obey; a command I trembled from, and in an attempt to escape it; I turned and tried to run. But there was no escape, as though my feet were mired in clay, as though I were bound in shackles. The arms of two strong angles lifted me up and carried me into the mouth of a cave at the base of this place, and there they left me in a cage.
I was there for what seemed an eternity, not really seeing anything but hearing many sounds. Clanking doors, echoing footsteps, and a multitude of voices reverberating through the corridors and distant chambers. I heard too, a moaning, and at first I couldn’t tell where it came from until I realized it came from within my heart.
Eventually my eyes began to adjust to the darkness. I saw the faces of others like me; faces that were sullen, even contorted from the agony they felt. Taskmasters herded us from chamber to chamber, gradually separating us inside this mountain at its base until each was alone in his space. Physically I could feel nothing, only lonely, hopeless despair, and an agony so sharp it was as though I had been thrust through with a sword. I didn’t know whether it was day or night, nor even did I care. I shrank from the thoughts before me as my body seemed to separate itself from my soul. The darkness of despair seemed to fill my world and I became invisible to the vacant look of those all around me, as they too became invisible to me. Only their presence was felt and the agony we shared.
After a time, men would come, and one by one remove these ravaged souls to somewhere. I could not determine where, but I was soon to find out as it was my turn for them to come for me. Not knowing where we were going, I drifted silently between two men, one before me, and one behind me as we wound our way still further into the bowls of the mountain. Still bound in chains, we traveled through many corridors that echoed every sound.
Eventually, these men handed me over to a gate keeper who opened a gate and told me to step inside, which I did. No sooner had I done this, when the gate crashed shut behind me, locking me in with a sound that reverberated through the corridors for quite some time. A sound it seemed that never really came to its end, but rather kept repeating like a broken record skipping over its grooves and fading off in the distance. A sharp sound of finality that continued to play in my memory long after it had finally ceased. For days it was all that my mind could hear, all it could focus on, all that broke the silence within me.
Eventually though, other thoughts began to slowly creep in, replacing the noise of the gate crashing shut. My disembodied soul just lay there next to the flesh that had been striped from around it. It rose over my flesh, looking down upon it, waiting for it to stir, to show some signs of life. But it just laid there motionless, starring out through the vacant eyes of death; flesh that at one time served me…or that I served. I don’t know which. But know, there it was, motionless, lifeless, dead. And here I was, a soul caged beside it, my only companion. It gave me no comfort. It could do little for me now, and so with great tears of sorrow, I wept. Rivers of tears did I weep. My soul mourned over my flesh and for the love it would never know. I pitied it for all I had done, or had not done. I pitied it for all I had put it through in not bringing it into submission to what I longed for the most, which was to receive what I thought was mine only to give. To rejoice in acknowledgement for what others desired to share. To allow it gratitude to be expressed towards another. To gain the love I so desired to give.
Wait a minute…wasn’t that me lying there? What about the love I’d never know? Wasn’t it my love that was all that mattered as though I had ownership, to give as I saw fit? But now my flesh lay there dead, never having received what I had tried so valiantly to give, pushing away instead every effort by anyone who attempted to give to me something I was too unworthy to receive. But then, how could I give something that I never knew because I refused to receive it. How could I give what I never possessed to give in the first place? What was I trying to give, really? What was I trying to do? What were all those wasted efforts? What was I really trying to look for? How would I recognize it once I found it? What good would it do me now?
The questions began to spin through my soul with a tremendous force. Faster and faster they whirled while a sense of chaos and confusion, condemnation and dread seemed to consume me. Loneliness, despair, desperation, fear, anger, guilt, remorse, sorrow, agony,; all gripped me in an ever tightening swirl that threatened to carry me away for good, shatter me into a million pieces, and scatter me to the furthest reaches and outer darkness of the universe, a giant pit that seemed to open before me, ready to swallow me up forever. The faces of everyone I knew shinned bright and I saw both bitter tears and mocking laughter. Time stood still.
As I looked through the whirling mass of thoughts and emotions, memories and faces, I could see my body still laying there, trying to stir. Its parched lips began to move and a hand reached up in final strength. Words began to form, barely audible but that finally escaped its throat. I saw tears rolling from its eyes, still shut as if in fervent prayer, “Jesus, please, help me,” came the plea at last.
In the suddenness of that very moment, the raging swirl that surrounded my soul immediately ceased, and I sensed the presence of a quiet calm, a peace such as I’ve never known nor could ever explain. Considering for a moment the torrent that preceded this moment, this calm, this peace, my attention was drawn to it immediately as if in total submission. Awestruck and in fear, all I could do was to hear. Like a gentle breeze floating in as a dream, I heard a soft and gentle voice tell me, “It’s time to sleep now.”
Though the words I heard were like sweetest music, bringing comfort to my soul, I feared not to obey them, and so, I laid my weary soul down next to the dead flesh of the man I once was and slept. It was a heavenly sleep, soulful, giving me much rest that new no anxious dreams, no haunting memories of days gone by, no fearful thoughts of what lay ahead. Only sleep. No voices to condemn an already burdened heart like a burning lake of fire. Just sweet and blissful sleep. Salvation come. Peace on earth. Good will towards men. Immanuel.
Chapter Two
I’m not sure how long I slept: a day, two, maybe three. I don’t recall. I have no memory of this time at all; only that I slept.
Upon waking from this brief rest, I felt fully refreshed and whole, in body, mind spirit, heart, and soul, as though made into something brand new. It was a time of refreshing, a time for renewing strength. It was the seventh day. And yet, I felt that I was at a crossroad in life, still toeing a line between two eternities, the past and the future, heaven and hell.
I sat there for a long moment on the edge of my steel hard bed, still in my cage. My arms were wrapped around my bosom as if in an embrace. Doubled over, I just rocked back and forth, cherishing the warmth within me. Now, I had been well rested in the past. I would normally have bound to my feet, invigorated, ready to meet whatever challenge the day had in store. But this morning was different. I preferred instead to simply enjoy the moment, determined not to lose it. I felt a peace and calm reassurance such as I’ve never known. A sense of awe and a feeling that I would never be alone again, no matter what lay ahead. Something that ended my search, or perhaps renewed it in the right direction. It was a knowing that this is what I had been seeking after all my life and had finally found. How I was able to recognize it so assuredly, I’m not quite sure. It was beyond my reasoning, passing all understanding, but I did recognize it for that and was grateful for having finally found it…or for it having finally found me. I uttered for the first time a barely audible thank you to the God I had scarcely perceived in the past, but suddenly now I did and could not help but to fully believe in.
Not quite sure what lay ahead of me, I surrendered all future events into the hands of the power that saved me. Everything I worked for, everything I struggled for, everything I fought for, lived for, and in the end…everything I died for was gone. I had squandered it all away in my many vain attempts to climb a mountain that could never bring me happiness, but instead brought me only misery, loneliness, suffering, and in the end, murderous shame. Every crutch that I had ever used to build this mountain of vain hopes and dreams unfulfilled were no where to be found. I was free of them all, and in their place was something of a greater value than any vain thing ever hoped for. It was worthy of protecting as it worked to protect me. I held on to it for dear life, clinging to it with all I had. And so, I began to pray.
In this cage, in the bowels of the mountain, apart from the world and in silent revere I would pray. Crudely at first and never quite able to find the right words to express what my heart knew, I began with words I remember from when I was only a child, as though I was a child again. “Our Father, who art in heaven…Now I lay me down to sleep…Yeah, though I walk through the valley…,” those were the words I prayed. And there were words that answered me, saying, “Don’t look back.” So I didn’t.
It was not long before a light began to appear in my heart, as though it was a star in the heavens, shinning bright, and for the next few weeks I followed it through darkest night, focusing my eyes upon it so as not to lose the flicker of its flame. I refused to take my eyes off of it as it guided me to a little town called Bethlehem. There a Child was born in the House of Bread and this Child became that light.
That day a man appeared to me. He gave me a small book which I began to read with palms open and facing upward. In the words I read another man appeared who said, “Follow Me.” So I did. Not knowing where we were going, but knowing who He was, I left all my other thoughts behind and followed Him.
He asked me what it was that I was seeking and so I said, “Teacher, where are You staying?” And He said, “Come and see for yourself.” So I went to see.
We entered into the deepest depths of the mountain that I had been trying to climb, and He began to show me greater things than I’d ever known.
We seemed to take a circular route around a body of water. All along the way there were places that we stopped to rest. We entered houses that had many different things taking place inside them. Some of the scenes that played before me were too terrible to look upon, having pushed them far back into the mountain long ago. If not for the One whom accompanied me, I would have willingly left them there. If not for this One by my side, I’m sure I would have turned and fled from these places. Not all though, for some were good and brought gladness to my heart. But for the moment, the place we were in was one that I hoped never to visit again.
“What is this place,” I asked? He explained saying, “This is the Wilderness of Sin. It lies between humbleness and desolation. In it belong your own sins that, unless you look upon them, confess them and forsake them, they will never be cast into the Sea of Forgetting.”
As we traveled tent by tent through this place, the sorrow in my heart grew heavy; so heavy in fact that I thought I would collapse from its weight. There was a blackness that I could recall quite clearly, one that was not too very far away. But it was then that His strong arms folded around me, lifting me up off of my feet until I was able to continue on. The whole time we traveled He spoke words of assurance that gave me strength and courage to face the next tent. As we entered each tent, I sorrowfully confessed that I was the one to blame for the condition it was left in. He graciously forgave me, while cautioning me to never return this way again. I felt my heart grow lighter as we moved along this way, until finally I felt the burden of my sins being lifted. I looked at the face of my Companion, and for an instant it took on a grotesque pallor, a blood streaked shadow of the beauty I had beheld. There was a sudden flash, an expression of agony before it finally returned to what I had seen at the first. This made me think deeply about what we had just accomplished, and I was relieved that we seemed to be moving on.
As we crested the top of a hill I was tempted to turn around to see the town we were leaving one last time, but I was cautioned against it and once again told to “never look back.” He told me that the town was gone, nothing was left except a desolate wilderness, and that the light in its place was too bright to behold. So I fixed my eyes on the sandaled feet that walked before me until we arrived at the next town, never looking back.
Again, in this new town, we went from tent to tent. As I peered into one, I saw people sitting around tables, but as they turned towards me to look, their faces became hideous and ugly, unreal as though they all wore a mask.
“What is this place,” I asked, “and why do all these people appear this way?” He told me to remove the mask from the first person I touched, and so I did. To my amazement I knew the face behind the mask.
“I know this person,” I said. “She was very dear to my heart but did things that made me angry, filling me with ferocious pride. I made her a promise one day, but was not able to keep it. It broke my heart.” I didn’t understand. I looked questioningly at the One by my side, the One whom I followed, and then back at the face that I’d unmasked.
“What happened,” I asked?
He explained, “This town is called Mara, and it’s very ancient. Those masks you see are masks of shame for debts you failed to forgive. Except you forgive them now, they are destined to wear those masks forever, and you’ll never know the warmth of their smiles behind the masks that you’ve painted on them and what you’ve made them to be. It’s this town that supports the one we just left behind, and unless it is changed, the brook of bitterness and anger will once again water the Wilderness of Sin, quenching the flame so that truth will no longer shine there.
I took each face gently in my hands. Removing the mask, I wiped away tears and I apologized profusely for what I failed to do long ago, forgiving each one that we might make amends. As their smiles appeared, I saw each face in a new light, appreciating them for the good I could now see. A good that destroyed all the ugliness. It was a power I never knew that I possessed and was grateful to have discovered it. We went from tent to tent repeating the same thing over and over until all were visited, spending longer at some as it seemed necessary. As we moved along this way, my heart, my soul lifted, becoming lighter every step of the Way. A flicker of joy grew to a wonderful flame as each face changed into laughter, something so beautiful. I was glad to behold them all. Each one explained to me their own tribulations and I also saw the sacrifices and ministries each performed. We became kindred spirits once again and my boundaries seemed to expand graciously.
As we left this place, I waved them all goodbye, promising to carry them in my heart always. Though I was sad to leave this place behind, I became almost anxious to get to the next town, and so our journey progressed.
As we walked along the Way, the One whom I followed continued to speak, telling me many things for my learning. His voice and mannerisms were always kind and gentle, yet what He spoke was with conviction and authority. As much as I desired to, I was almost sure that I’d never be able to remember everything that He said. My mind, my heart seemed already filled to overflowing. New thoughts and ideas sprang up within me. His patience with me was unwavering. If I stopped walking for a time to ponder something He said, He would stop also, and wait, never rushing the moment, but waiting for me to discover the answer.
At times I’m sure that I even tried to run ahead, but then He would stop, waiting for me to realize it and return to where He stood. Once again, I would take my place beside Him and we would continue on. As we walked along, His voice became more soothing, more familiar in its content as though speaking to me from across the years. I seemed to drift along, eyes fixed downward on the road before me, listening intently to all that He said, not wanting to miss a word as the road wound round and round. During these times when my mind seemed so filled, I drifted all over the road, from side to side, almost staggering along. The One whom I followed seemed to know when it was time to rest and so we would stop along the side of the road and just sit down in the cool grass to be silent for a time. It was at these times that I felt a closeness and loyalty to Him like never before as our friendship grew. During these rest stops I felt free to speak openly to Him about things I never felt comfortable talking to anyone else about: my deepest regrets, open emotions, fondest dreams, most painful hurts, all of which He heard with unbroken attention and earnest understanding. He never judged me and so, there was nothing that I felt too uncomfortable to speak about, including the things that made me most angry. I told Him of the loved ones I left behind and my concerns for them. I told Him of my worries for tomorrow. He never once interrupted me. He simply nodded His head in understanding. His worn face showed His concern. His eyes saddened with sorrow. By this I knew He understood, never once condemning me for my failures. He simply listened to every word I spoke. It was a relief to me to finally have such a wonderful friend that I could tell all these things to. I was grateful to be by His side. I was thankful for these moments of rest and at times I would simply lay my head in His bosom and sleep, and in my dreams I would hear Him pray…
… “And now, O Father, glorify Me together with Yourself, with the glory which I had with Yourself, with the glory which I had with You before the world was.
I have manifested Your name to the man whom You have given Me out of the world. He was Yours. You gave him to Me and He has kept Your word.
Now he has known that all things which You have given Me are from You.
For I have given him the words which You have given to Me; and he has received them, and has known surely that I come forth from You; and He has believed that You sent Me.
I pray for Him. I do not pray for the world but for him whom You have given Me, for He is Yours.
And all Mine are Yours, and Yours are Mine, and I am glorified in them.
Now I am no longer in the world, but these are in the world, and I come to You, Holy Father; keep through Your name him whom You have given Me, that he may be one as We are.
While I was with him in the world, I kept him in Your name. Him whom You gave Me I have kept; and none is lost except the son of perdition, that the scriptures might be fulfilled.
But now I come to You and these things I speak in the world that he may have My joy fulfilled in himself.
I have given him Your word; and the world has hated him because he is not of the world, just as I am not of the world.
I do not pray that You should take him out of the world, but that You should keep him from the evil one.
He is not of the world just as I am not of the world.
Sanctify him by Your truth. Your word is truth.
As You sent Me into the world, I also have sent him into the world
And for his sake I sanctify Myself, that he also may be sanctified by the truth.
I do not pray for him alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through his testimony.
That they all may be as one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You, that he also may be one in Us, that the world may believe You sent Me.
And the glory which You gave Me, I have given them, that they may be one just as We are one.
I in them, and You in Me; that they may be made perfect in one, and that the world may know that You sent Me, and that You have loved them as You have loved Me.
Father, I desire that this one whom You gave Me where I am, that he may behold My glory which You have given Me; for You loved Me before the foundation of the world.
O righteous Father! The world has not known You, but I have known You; and these have known that You sent Me.
And I have declared to them Your name, and will declare it, that the love which You have loved Me may be in them, and I in them”…
…As the words drifted through my mind to the very core of my heart, I felt a closer connection to this One who cradled my soul in His bosom; closer than I had ever felt to anyone before, wishing I could rest there forever.
It was not long before I was awakened. “Come, we must be going,” He said. I stood on my feet and we continued along the road we were on.
My heart felt light and roomy as though emptied from past burdens and ready to receive something new; and yet at its core was the warmth and tenderness of something I’d never known. It was strong and sure, almighty, radiating in all directions, flooding me with thoughts of what I felt I had been searching for all my life. It was life, and the way to live it in peace and truth, kindness and grace, goodness, mercy and patient suffering. Immanuel. It was a new kind of love that I seemed unable to comprehend in its fullness. I knew it inwardly and felt it radiance generating outwardly. There seemed too as if a small part that I was familiar with still existed, a part that whispered to me that there was still something lacking, something that I needed to do. But I wasn’t sure what or even how to do it. Unsure how to go out from it, and back in again, I simply did all I could to allow it to abide with me.
As we walked along the road, Jesus must have read my heart. He must have seen the perplexity on my face. He stopped in the middle of the road, and turning towards me he asked, “Why do you reason these things in your mind. If you have faith as a mustard seed, you will be able to say to this mountain, ‘be thou removed and cast into the sea,’ and it shall be removed from before thee.”
At the time I wasn’t sure what He meant, but rather than question Him, I just had faith that one day I would know. We continued walking and talking together for days, and months, and years, resting here, praying there and sometimes simply waiting and watching. All throughout this time He never left my side. Even during the times of my deepest pondering when I was unaware of His presence He just stayed silently beside me.
There came a time along our journey when my thoughts returned to the mountain itself. Could we still be inside? If so, it was huge, seeming to go on forever. But we must be. Except for the light that radiated from Christ, everything else around me seemed quite dim.; a sort of twilight that was neither day nor night but more like dawn or dusk, as though time stood still, or didn’t exist at all and knew no boundaries. I’m not really sure how to describe it, but my vision seemed poor apart from His light, and if not for Jesus, I would have surely gotten lost in the surrounding shadows. In my fear, I remained close by His side. As I looked up, the darkness only intensified; to the left or the right I was only able to make out vague images. These were only shapes and forms of something I could not comprehend apart from the brightness of the light that surrounded Him. There was only the road that I stood on and the light of the Truth to guide my way. And even this was too bright to behold in its fullness. I stayed my eyes on the sandaled feet under which was a sapphire stone path beneath them; the foundation to the walls of a great city and like the very heavens in its clarity. On this road His footprints engraved an account of a life.
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