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| Lack of Confidence |
On my mind is my lack of confidence. I used to be such a cocky betch... I honestly owned the world. I was so high.. so UP THER. But now I've lost it. I think it has 3 main reasons behind it:
1) Not-so-recent-but-it-still-hurts-like-billio breakup :( After I lost my boyfriend, all I could think of was, I failed. I failed again. You fatass fker u failed again! You damn fat slut... Couldn't even keep HIM!! I mean, I was crushed. Absolutely crushed. Most of you know the *sniff* very tragic tale as to HOW he decided to break up with mee.... [skeptical look]. You know what I DID after IIIII called him only for him to break up with MEE??? Well first I cried like an idiot even though I knew it was coming... then I called my former best friend and also (ironically enough) another exbf.. well we have a long history but he had been helping me through all of my problems lately and had been encouraging me to call up my bf and straight up say what the fk is going on.. well I thought I should call him. I called him and told him I finally did it.. I called.. and it ended. He didn't care in the slightest. He's like oh I'm sorry. After that? After that I worked out for two flippin hours.
2) My best friend moved away. She was seriously the bestest friendly wendly I've had in bout seven years.
3) I had a rep at my old school. I was the school slut (well no my bff was but I was second up) I was the bitch I was the drama queen I was the "rebel" (I don't understand this; just because I wasn't a mindless idiot like the rest of them, they branded me the REBEL and trust me they did everything in their power to make me keep this title).. what else was I? Well I was also the hottest/prettiest/whatever girl at school and almost all the guys wanted me and most made nasty sick jokes involving me and whatever... I was the attention whore I was the animal rights activist I was the dumb blonde I was the unathletic one..
And don't get me wrong, most of these titles, I milked to the fullest. You wanna call me names? Fine, Ima make u regret it. I LOVED CRAVED LIVED OFF OF attention. It was amazing my bff and I were even friends; we were both the biggest attention whores in the class and while we sometimes fought over guys and other crap, we never got in the way of the other getting attention. It was weird.
But I move a lot. And now that I have, once again, moved to another school, I wanted to create an image for myself, a new person. I wanted to start off with a completely clean slate. But by doing this, I have become the person I was a long long time ago (you probly think i am schizo huh? lol), the person I despised most. Good grades sweet to everyone pink goody two shoes..... UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THIS PERSON!! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT HER!!!!!! I DO NOT WANT HER!!!! SHE DOESN'T EXIST!!!!!!!!! I WANT THE SLUT BACK, THE GIRL WHO HAD FUN AND MOCKED EVERYTHING AND HAD A SHARP TONGUE AND AN ICY MIND!!!
by changing who i was before, i lost everything.
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Posted by thefantasy on 2009-10-01 21:15:02 | Rating: | Views: 19
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