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| another failure |
i'm sorry, everyone. i've failed. just another one of the many things i have failed at.
i did not make my goal. i am still an awful 120 lbs. still horrifically flabby and shapeless and gross.
still disgustingly fading into the background.
i'm torn between two people. one person wants to continue shredding the person i was, what little is left of her. the other wants more than anything to make her stronger, so that she can live again. sadly, i think both are realizing that whatever fate they may wish upon her, she may not be here at all anymore.
i'm just so dreadfully unhappy. blood seems the only way now... blood was how i used to deal with my sadness, and through my cuts i was made stronger. they took away my scissors and i found knives. they took away my knives and i found boys. they took away my boys and i had tears. they took away my tears and i had the novocaine. they cannot take this numbness, for with this numbness i killed. i killed all that they had disturbed, so that they could pester her no more. haunted by nightmares, staring past stars, hoping for escape...
in the end, i am left with myself. and in the end, it is the most grievous path i have ever taken, the path of true self-destruction. i am trying to make myself better. trying to see myself as i used to, as a warrior, as a queen, as the earth's enchantress. but i don't know that i can. i have no friends; i have people, but i speak to them through glass and see them through a veil. i have no family; i've never had family. not really. i hate my body; so flabby and disgusting. hate my face; eyes too big, too small, nose too large, zits too numerous to count. hate my voice; so hard; not soft like the other girls'; mine is the voice of a fallen warrior: strong, quiet, armed. everything about me is just not enough. not anything.
and through it all, i know i will survive. i know i will. but.. to know that i have failed, failed not once but so many times God did not create enough numbers, is a reason for mourning.
i hate who i am, who i was, and who i am becoming.
but.. yknow what? perhaps food isnt the enemy... no... perhaps theres something more...?
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Posted by thefantasy on 2009-10-30 19:40:20 | Rating: | Views: 41
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