The words in italics are being transcribed from a personal journal entry that I wrote a few days ago. They’re just a bunch of thoughts and observations that I wrote down to keep me company. I meant to post this a few hours after I wrote it, but as it turns out, I got too busy. I’ll also give an update where the writing stops.

October 6, 2009
It seems that it has been habitual that I write mostly whenever I am going through hard times. I suppose I shouldn't be upset about that. Writing, to me is therapeutic. If there is ever a time that I need some form of therapy, it's now.

This is an urgent prayer request for my mother’s sister Chris. In short, my aunt Chris is losing her third battle with breast cancer. Her first bout with the disease started in 1991. It was at that time when she had a mastectomy and beat the cancer. Another appearance came around, was treated and defeated until 2006. For the past three years, she has been fighting with chemotherapy, radiation and experimental treatments and tests. Now, the cancer has spread throughout her entire body spots still reside on her spine and her brain.

Now, I sit in her hospital room, at 3:30 am, giving my mom, aunt and uncles a break from the night duty. I have a cousin here to keep me company but she’s been asleep for a while now.
We were called on Thursday evening by her doctors to hear that she probably wouldn’t make it through the weekend. We packed our bags and drove through the night, 8 hours, to Chicago. Now, it’s three… almost four days later and I’ve seen her go from bad to worse. I’m praying that the Lord calls her home.

Lord, please call home Your daughter Christine. Mat her suffering be offered up for Jesus, Son of God, who died for out sins. Accept into Your kingdom this Christian soul. Bring peace to her family and friends. Please, Lord, welcome her to Your feast and celebrate her new life at Your table. I pray that you take Christine into Your arms as it is Your will. Praise and glory to your name, Lord Jesus Christ.

Please, this is the worst experience of my life. Pray that God ends this battle soon.

She isn’t even strong enough to open her eyes any more. My aunt lies here, beautiful but barely nearly unrecognizable.

It’s not fair that we have to sit here and listen to her moan. She can’t even mutter words anymore. Why is she moaning? Is it pain?

Shit… what do I do?

She is so congested… too weak to get out a whole cough.

It’s 4:10 time for more Ativan. Where the hell is the nurse? Maybe she’s in pain… hmm… I’ll go push her morphine pump.

Well, that seems to have helped a bit… I can’t help but sit here and stare.

Ugh, Dear God PLEASE stop this.

It’s times like these when I truly believe in salvation. Sitting here watching Auntie Chris suffer like this… there has got to be more than this life. She MUST be suffering for a purpose… What the purpose is, I have no idea. But I refuse to believe that THIS is the end.

…finally, the nurse with the Ativan.

Hmm... She doesn’t have much urine output anymore. Are her kidneys starting to fail? It all doesn’t make sense to me. Her pulse ox was 95 the last time they checked. Why so good?

Do you think it’s good to verbally comfort her? Or at least try to? I have been anyway. Can she hear me, though? I’m sure that I’m not the person that she wants around to be here with her. At least she’s not alone. She told my mom last week that she was scared to be alone.

God, this is terrible.

My sister just called. She’s on her way.

It’s amazing to me that I’m wide awake. Since we’ve gotten to Chicago I haven’t really slept much. And if I do… it’s kind of that unsettling sleep. I wake up a lot… toss and turn… not restful.

… My God, the way that she is breathing now has GOT to be painful. It’s so labored…

I feel helpless.

No one should ever have to be put through this. On either end… physically or observatory.
Gosh, I don’t think that her condition has been this bad yet. Surely we’ve got to near the end. I wish I didn’t have to see her like this. I wish no one had to see her like this.

Considering the situation… I can’t believe how strong I’ve been emotionally. Haven’t cried yet. Good or Bad? Maybe it’s a good thing that I’m seeing her like this. I think that it will be easier for me to come to terms with her death by seeing the suffering that she has to endure. I just want it to end.

I can’t believe how strong SHE has been. Unbelievably courageous. A hero for certain.

This is so depressing. She’s like gasping and moaning…

I couldn’t imagine this being my mom. I can barely fathom that this woman in front of me is Auntie Chris. Sometimes I feel like this is a stranger in front of me.

I’ve never literally watched someone die.

This is utterly heartbreaking. Is it possible for my heart to be breaking? I feel wounded… or heavy hearted.

What the fuck? That nurse told me like 30 minutes ago that she was going to move her to try and get her more comfortable… where did she go? …mustn’t be rude to the nurses… but this is so frustrating.

When we get home, I must have a chat with Mom and Dad about their wishes. I hope I never have to go through this with them.

Aunt Chrissy is only 60. Too young.

She was born on Valentines Day. And she collects hearts. I always thought that was the coolest thing.

Doe she have thoughts right now? Is she worried about her dignity?

I can practically see her heart beating from four feet away.

This chair is so effing uncomfortable.

Why is her urine so dark? Still under 200 cc’s…

I just can’t imagine what it’s like to not be able to cough. She sounds so phlegmy. Her whole chest sinks into the bed and quickly rises just to fall a second later. How is she even still breathing? It’s got to be agonizing. Thank God she’s on so much morphine.

Nurse’s aid just came in… 150 cc’s of urine @ 4:50… just a note for myself. What is normal output? They last changed her bag at 11:30… the end of the last shift.

I can’t believe it’s 4:50 already. I’m sure I’ll be getting a call from my mother in just a few… haha right now.

Do I know my mother or what? I told her to go back to sleep to get more rest but when Aunt Sue wakes up to get ready and get here quickly. Not to worry her… but to alert her of her worsened condition.

The nurse’s aid on this shift is wonderful. She keeps offering coffee and talking to me for a while every time she comes in.

… A few days ago one of the nurse’s aids came in on her lunch break to sit with Aunt Chris. She asked her if she needed any company and Aunt Chris told her that she wasn’t alone because her mother was sitting in the corner.

My grandmother died in 1999. I don’t doubt that she was there with her. She would have never left her daughter’s side… day or night. I bet she’s waiting to bring Aunt Chrissy home. I asked her to give Grammy a big ol’ hug for me.

There are flowers everywhere in here. Aunt Chris loved to garden. I bet God has a big beautiful garden for Auntie Chris to tend to when she gets there. Have you ever seen “Just Like Heaven” with Mark Ruffalo and Reese Witherspoon? Remember the garden in that movie? I bet it’s like that… but better.

Oh man… she really is dying. She’s like gasping now. Her breathing is getting shallower… more labored.

God… this is terrible.

That’s where my writing stopped. My sister called me and she was pulling into the hospital… I had to go get her to show her where the room was.

When the doctor came by at 7:30 for morning rounds, I asked him if he thought this was close enough to the end that I should be calling her family to come in. He told me that it was with in the realm of time where that could be a possibility. Instead of days or weeks… now he was expecting hours.

The doctor left and my mom and aunt walked in about ten minutes later. It was heartbreaking. Seeing their sister in the condition that she was in… they rushed to her side... crying... hugging her nearly lifeless body.

Mom and Aunt Sue made calls to alert everyone of her condition. And within a few hours, her husband, daughter son, brother, best friend and my dad were all there.

A music therapist came in to play for her. He was a harpist who played to the rhythm of her breathing. It was incredibly relaxing and soothing. Not to mention incredibly emotional. He had us shut off the lights and opened the blinds. Natural light filled the room and the music soothed the tension. It was incredibly reflective. There were a few moments when there were long pauses between breaths that I thought that she was gone. But she held on. I swear I was right in the middle of a Hallmark Channel movie.

Only a short while after the harpist left, she was gone.

12:49 October 6, 2009. We lost our angel.
 

God looked around his garden
and found an empty place.
He then looked down upon the earth,
And saw your tired face.
He put His arms around you,
And lifted you to rest.
God's garden must be beautiful,
He always takes the best.
He knew you were suffering,
He knew that you were in pain.
He knew that you would never,
Get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough,
And the hills were hard to climb,
So He closed your weary eyelids,
And whispered, "Peace be thine."
It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn't go alone,
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home. 

 

www.info-komen.org/goto/christinebuschelman