So here's my thing-
I have a husband that I love very much.  He didn't come from the same family situation that I did.  I grew up moving all over with no one but my family to stick with so naturally I'm very attached to them.  Hubby on the other hand skipped through many different foster homes after being taken from his abusive mother...needless to say the word "family" carries a very different meaning with the two of us.  He thinks that I'm unhealthily sticking with mine, and I think that he doesn't have a healthy veiw of what family should be like.  I think it's safe to say that we are both right. 
Because we live pretty far from my parents (4hrs), Hubby thinks we need to just stay home on the holidays and have it be just us and our two children who are 2yrs and 6mths.  I really want to go to visit my family-it's been months since I have been home and my grandfather hasn't even met the newest great grandchild.  I kept my mouth shut though-Hubby isn't a fool, he knows that I want to go home, but said that we didn't have the money.  Thinking that was the only problem when my sister said she would pay for us to go home I told him about it and was very excited-I guess I didn't realize that the whole money thing was just a coverup for the fact that he doesn't want to go to my family's house for the holidays...anyway he thought that I would be upset with him so he told me that he wanted to stay home but that I should go.  I was bummed that we wouldn't be together on the holiday-but when he told me that he had some things to work on around the house I didn't feel so bad, if I was to stay home I would only be in his way-the typical needy, clingy wife stuff.  So I made plans to go and ever since he has been giving me crap about not putting him first. 
I was ready to stay home with no questions asked and now if I back out my parents will be very concerned.  Our marrige has been bad in the past and my parents worry if I'm telling them the truth when I say that I'm safe and that my kids are safe.  Hubby has very rarely been physical with me, most of the abuse was verbal-but he is getting better at that--but I used to lie to my parents and tell them everything was fine, so now that it really is fine, no one believes me, I guess that serves me right. 
The biggest problem now is I'm so busy defending my hubby to my parents and my parents to my hubby that I don't have the option of really thinking about what I want.  I wish that everyone would just get along for the sake of the holidays.  I know that's stupid and alot of hubbys don't get along with their inlaws, I just didn't know that when I got married I was divorcing my family. 
I don't even know why I bother, my hubby has really been awful lately.  We don't even have money for food, and he is going out to movies and saying he needs a break by going to stay at a nice hotel suite. He went out and spent over $200 on DVD's in one day...then he say's "Sorry" and just expects to keep all the stuff he just bought and come home to a loving wife ready to go to bed with him. 
I hate it...I really just want to take my kids and leave, not to go home to mom and dad, but just go.  I want to go somewhere that my kids can play, they can eat fresh fruit and veggies, not canned stuff.  I want someone to take care of me.  Somewhere that I'm aprecieated-I know that alot of stay at home mom's feel this way...like they are in a thankless job.  I run an in-home daycare, it doesn't bring in alot of money, but some.  and ever penny gets put in the bank only to be taken away by fee's or his latest spending binge. 
He thinks that I see him as a paycheck.  I don't, it wouldn't be much of a paycheck if I did.  He says he's tired of coming home to a woman who looks like a dead horse.  Well, for one, I'm not eating very much-trying to keep the main stuff for our 2yr old, I just eat enough to keep nursing the little one. And because I'm running a daycare, I'm chasing around other kids, trying to keep the house under control (which rarely works) and I'm taking a full load of online classes...I know I need to work on putting on my makeup more and stuff like that.  I see the women that he looks at, and he has told me that he wishes that I look more like a super model...I'm so tired all the time, and now I'm trying to lose weight, I just wish someone would love me the way I am.
I don't get to see the outside world very much-so the last thing that i want to do is spend thanksgiving and christmas chasing our kids making a big meal and being stuck with a ton more cleanup that will only add to what I'm already behind.  Especially when I can go home to mom and dad's have everyone fuss over their grandkids, have grandpa take care of the turkey and get it a nap and maybe a nice long bath. 
Hubby doesn't help much...now he isn't home often, so don't judge him too harshly.  He is literally home long enought to kiss me goodnight and goodbye when he runs out the door in the morning.  It sucks, and I know that as a man he has needs that I don't really have...so I do my best to be there for him physically--it's just getting to the point where he comes home-ignores the kids-escorts me upstairs and to the bedroom...sometimes that's ok...but most of the time I'm in the middle of a load of dishes that I've been working on most of the day, or an assignment that I just got time to sit down and do--So sometimes I try to gently turn him down explaining that I just have to take advantage of the time I have away from the kids to get the other stuff that he has been complaining about done.  It doesn't work-he makes me feel awful by telling me that he looks at other women when I don't please him...and that it's not his fault it's mine that he is struggling with a porn addiction because I don't take care of his needs. 
Ok...so looking at this you must think that I really hate him....but I don't.  Underneath these flaws (and we all have them)  Hubby is a good man...He is strong, he has had to overcome so much, I would never be able to handle what he has.  I know that he would protect me with his life and not many would do that.  He loves his girls very much...he doesn't always show it...but he does. 
Anyway...I guess I'm just frustrated, I really need some prayer.  I know that the Lord will give me the strength to handle this situation.  I need to try to be more understanding to hubby...he's not very strong in his walk with God and he looks at me to try to pick apart my relationship with the Lord.  I hurt alot but I know that God will use this whole situation to teach me something very important.
I'll let you know what that is!