Giants
It seems like all of my life I have faced giants. Sometimes, they go and hide for a little while and allow the ride to be a bit smoother, but sooner or later they peak their head up from under the water and say, "Hey you loser look, here I am again."
I guess I'm writing today, from behind the mask. The mask that has worked so wonderfully in protecting every ounce of my being. It's kept me here.
It seems the giants are so big in my life right now. How will I ever rise up above this once again? I'm seriously not looking forward to the head held high confident liar that I have learned to perfom so well.
God has allowed me another day. I'm tired of hearing it's a choice. It's a choice what you will do for Him today. It's a choice to be happy. It's a choice to be confident. It's not always true. It's not always a choice. I didn't choose to wake up and feel like ... oh God do I have to face this day? How can I get out of "xyz." How can I get out of life?
Then I managed to have the thought of well, there is a way. I'm angered that the thought crossed my mind. In a moments weakness the mind can do so much damage. Damage that takes months and years to overcome.
I'm tired of the giants of my childhood writing within the pages, called the book of my life. They did make me who I am. I'm so afraid to put one foot in front of the other. I'm so afraid of a friend or two saying, you're two screwed, and in all honesty ... they've probably walked a mile further in this road than I have. I just can't see it right now. I"m blindsighted by fear, and anger. I'm scared to death of losing the friends that I have, when they give me hope. Atleast, for now there is hope (not big).
I heard a few stories last night, and also shared. You know friends are one of the greatest gifts God gives us next to eternal life? I don't think He truly meant for us to be alone. I think He wants us to share our burdens with each other, and lift each other up. Joke with our friends, and have a good time. Does God want us to wear the mask for our good friends too?
I am reminded of the song by Casting Crowns, thanks to a good book I picked up today. I don't know how it got into my house and onto my shelf. I didn't buy it. I know my husband didn't either, but it's here. It looked neat on the shelf and the title Lifestories caught my attention. Maybe someone else's life is crappier than mine is (although I do have it good, I just don't feel it), and I'll enjoy their misery. Ha! I would never enjoy the misery ... it was the dry humor. I am the one who wants to FIX everyone.
Anyways, back to the song. Voice of Truth. "The giant keeps on calling out my name and he laughs at me.. Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed."
I know I am the laughing stock right now. I want it all over. I don't have the strength to stand. How am I going to face tomorrow, yet a lone today?? It's not a choice right now. I can't seem to convince myself (which is how I overcame before), that it's worth the long fight and battle once again. It's just not. The victory doesn't last. The fear, the giants, they are always there just waiting for you. Here I am, loser.
I don't know what God wants from me right now. I've been blatantly honest at times. I know that is probably a good thing. I'll keep pressing on, one second at a time ... and I'll cling to the hope that my friends (my small circle I am so greatful to have) won't walk out on me. I think God knows, I need friends in my life like I have. I'm sure that's why they are here. It's just really, really, really hard to accept.
That is two-fold. I'm glad I have healthy friends, give and take. It's not one sided sharing. Life is happening daily, and it's ok to share it!
The giant of my childhood is reigning in my life. I don't know how I will find the strength to stand. God is my rock, and my salvation .... I just hope I will see salvation instead of the other. I'm not sure I would know the difference.
I'm sorry, I've written so many enlightening things, to say this today. I too, am human. Just like people in the Bible crying out before the Lord. I'm there. I just can't cry to Him yet. All I can do is think, how in the hell am I going to pull this off once more in my life? And the little voice says, I can't.
I can't.
(snicker, snicker ... hehe)
I know the voice of truth, tells me the opposite ...
(who cares)
I can't listen right now.
(snicker, snicker)
I can't do this.
(that's right)
Not now.
(not ever)
Not tomorrow.
(not ever)
Not ever.
(snicker, snicker)
Shhhhh, I can't.
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