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| i hate my life and sometimes my daughter
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i never thought that my life would end up like this. my mother unexpectedly dies and the next month I find out im pregnant. then get dumped by my boyfriend of six years and have to drop out of the best university. on top of that i cant control my depression making it very hard for me to care for or even be happy that i have the cutest, smartest little girl. i feel that if one thing could happen that i want that i could be happy. the one thing i want to do right now is get out of my father's house but i dont have the money. I mean i have the money to support us but the lump some of money you need to get in a house is pathetic unless you are willing to live in a crappy government home. i just cant do that. what little bit of dignity and pride i have left i want to keep. i just need to be happy for my daughter. i can tell that my personality and moods are rubbing off on her and it worries me. but i cant admit to a doctor that there is something wrong with me and that i need help. i would continue living the way i do though i fear the effects that it would have on her. i just want a decent man, a place to live, and to be happy. if it sounds that simplw why isit so hard?
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Posted by tcat on 2007-10-24 19:58:37 | Rating: | Views: 231
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that sucks. but you should not ever say you hate your kid. your lucky
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Posted by Doctor
on 2007-10-24 20:15:04
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I just figured out my mom is depressed. Literally like 5 minutes ago. I just finished writing a blog and my sister came in and told me. I knew something was wrong because the hospital kept calling for her. She said it was high cholesterol testing. My sister looked up the medication they sent her and it was for depression. I have to go bye.
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Posted by allykatt9969
on 2007-10-24 20:20:56
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I'm real sorry to hear about your mum. And your man not sticking around. But please keep your head up you seem like a very strong person just no one day this will all seem so long ago. How old is your daughter??
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Posted by Rhi
on 2007-10-24 20:55:41
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I hear you saying that life is pretty tuff right now, and it seems at time to be over whelming.....due to circumstances.
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Posted by dirtdigger59
on 2007-10-24 21:00:11
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i feel what the first person said, be lucky you have a child. i wish i had one, but theres no way!
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Posted by Killa0707
on 2007-10-24 21:02:39
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your story could be mine.
My daughter is now 14(i'm 32)
i recently married a man I have loved for 10 years.
It is hard. When she was little sometimes i was trapped in hell- looking back I was so young.
You are very lucky to have your dad's home to stay in- some of the alternatives in all reality are not where you want to trade up to.
A rule to help guide you through- if it isn't trading up- don't bother.
Make a plan- a five year plan. Even if the things on the list seem unattainable litle moves towards them will help and give you focus,also your daughter will see you moving towards something better- even if it takes years.
Don't wait to be saved, walk tall and eventually you will realise- you are smiling again.
Love and best wishes, I am sending you light.
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Posted by auzloz
on 2007-10-24 21:29:27
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Dear tcat,
Yep, shit happens.
Life can be so darn hard, and when it rains on you it's never that gentle summer rain that you want, but that cold drenching rain that soaks you to the bone.
I won't add to your depression by telling you what it's like to loose a child, but I will tell you that life goes on.
The reason I mention this is because after my divorce I got custody of my children and not because I went to court for them, but because their mother just didn't want the responsibility or obligation to raise them on her own. So I did.
After I got them I came to the realazation that this wasn't going to be so easy, and yes there were times that I didn't think I was going to stand the burden of taking care of two kids.
But I made it and my kids grew up and left home and many times throughout their lives they made me one proud papa!
Back in January of 2001, I lost my daughter to a drug overdose. She didn't do it intentionally, but was dead none the less.
It's been over six years now and life goes on, but the pain will never go away. So even there are going to be times when you don't think you really want your child, believe me, if she were to be gone from your life now, you would always hate yourself for having those thoughts of not wanting her.
So what do you do now?
Sounds like to me that you are a deep thinking person and that is what will bring you out of your depression. To get back up on your feet, and do what you have too so that you may make postive decissions to have a good life for your and your daughter.
Don't spend too much time worrying about things that have already happened. Use the time to decide what you are going to do with your future.
You said you had to drop out of college, well maybe for now, but I'm sure you'll find a way to either continue your education or to find a vocation that you would be happy with.
Anyway, you have a right to be depressed for a while, but just don't wallow in it!
You can either knock down the walls that are preventing you from accomplishing what you want, or go around them. Whatever you choose just don't sit and do nothing.
We are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for, and I'm sure you are plenty strong enough to get through this!
You can e-mail me if you want, or just continue to post your blogs and I will put up a comment now and then.
Heck give yourself a chance to mourn, and then get back to business.
Love & Peace,
jwcj
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Posted by jwcj
on 2007-10-25 00:49:05
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Life is hard, it really sounds like you need to tell the dr what you're going through. I don't think it's ever ok to say you hate your child - they are a blessing. Sometimes they drain us dry, emotionally and financially - but they are a blessing.
I hope that things start looking up for you soon.
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Posted by Whitters
on 2007-10-25 05:52:30
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