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| My Worst Enemy |
I just turned 56 years old and my mother is dying. It may be five years. It may be five months. She is 84 and has dementia. The truth is, she has been dead for some time. There is just this shell left that doesn’t remember what you do or say to her. So what is the point?
I have a brother four years younger and a sister 10 years older. Before I was born, there was another sibling – a brother that was about 12 years my senior.
When I spoke to my sister this week about the latest turn of events, she fell apart. It’s no wonder. We have all been falling apart all of our lives because of our mother. The things she does. The things she says.
Our mother is a hateful, venomous woman.
When I visited her this week when she was without her usual intellectual defenses. With the abitlity to keep secrets and keep lies straight distroyed by dementia, I realized that any relationship I thought I had with her was a lie.
My brother’s and sisters are not close. That is because my mother has told each one of us lies about the other. Her purpose was so that we would never love each other – only her.
At the same time, she never quit approved of what any of us did. It always fell short of her expectations.
The famous story I tell my clients is the time I came home with a report card containing 4 "B"s and 2 "A"s. My last card had Cs and Ds. I was so excited!
My mother opened the card and after looking at it for a few seconds asked “Why aren’t those "B"s, "A"s?
I never tried for good grades again – until I figured I could get the grades for my own approval.
There is the crux of what I am realizing.
When I think of getting my new kitchen finished, I immediately picture my mother approving. She never would, but that was the whole goal of the new kitchen.
When I think of moving to a place where we can have more land, I think of my mother sitting on the porch and letting her dog play with our dogs and not have to worry about her dog taking off. (She has never trained her dog and it hardly comes when it is called.)
When I dream of growing my own business, part of the reason is so that she will finally acknowledge my worth.
Now that I think of it, I can’t imagine why I ever thought that she would approve. I used to have a business and one day, shortly after hiring a new employee, I was trying to prepare her to meet my mother. I explained that she would come bursting in and say something rude. She is the most negative person I have ever met. She will complain about anything and everything that captures her attention. “You think now that I am exaggerating, but when you see her, you’ll know I’m not.
Later, I don’t know if it was that same day or the next, My mother came bursting in and without slowing down, reported that she hated the reception desk, she had to go to the bathroom and it was probably a *$^# pig sty...All in front of customers and employees.
I turned to Angel, “That was my mother!”
“I know.” Was all she said.
So now I’m sitting here, realizing that everything has been a lie. All of the crap she told me about my brother and sister, All of the things she said to me. She has left every promise unfulfilled because they were all lies to manipulate me into behaving the way she wanted me to behave at the time.
I never knew until last week what I had been doing. Every dress, every pair of shoes, every shade of lipstick or sent of perfume was to win her approval.
The trim for the kitchen is ready for me to paint. But part of me only wanted to finish it so I could show my mother.
Now it doesn’t matter because even if I got her here she would remember it tomorrow.
Now, at 56 years old, I have to figure out what I want and not what my mother would approve of. I never realized that was my reason for living. Wow! In the battle of wits, she sure won this one.
I don’t know how to explain this so that everyone can understand how serious this is; What this woman has done to her children and her husband for that matter. He wanted to die, just so that he could get away from her. He did just that about 17 years ago.
My mother has a mental illness that allows her to manipulate people in an amazingly effective way. People with this disorder don’t have a personality per se. They have a list of symptoms. That’s my mom. A list of symptoms.
As mother’s they are a true nightmare. Ofter, their offspring don’t survive childhood. Among them, you may recognize Susan Smith who buckled her two sons into the car and pushed the car into the water. Melissa Drexler, who disposed of her newborn baby in a restroom at her prom, become media sensations. Andrea Yates who drowned her five kids, and pediatrician Ellen Feinberg, of Champaign, Illinois, who stabbed her two young sons, one fatally.
When the children do survive, they also become people of notoriety.
These men hate and fear women so much that they manipulate, abuse, beat, rape, torture and even kill women. Their hatred goes so deep all they want to do is make their abusers pay. If you saw how that one woman who was supposed to be his lifeline – both literally and figuratively treated them, you would under stand the rage.
Their female children end up with traits of her disease, which is cause by an unfathomable emotional pain.
My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder.
I am limiting this discussion because, so far, I have not had the usual three week hysteria, followed by a three to six month deep all inclusive depression that my mother is so adept at leading me into. So I will continue as I stabilize.
If this sounds familiar, please find some professional help. The University of Washington has the world’s best clinic for research and treatment of Borderline Personality. You would want to contact Professor Marsha Linehan or one of her colleagues to ask about a therapist near you that is trained in this disorder.
Until Prof. Linehan began her work, there was no treatment for this complex disorder. Even so, I take years for the primary patient to recover. http://faculty.washington.edu/linehan/
The basics of BPD. http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/basics/indicators.shtml
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Posted by tacomadrag0n on 2008-04-03 19:04:29 | Rating: | Views: 101
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