Life.. or something like it.  
Work has been good these past few days, helps i had 2 days off.  Went in today for a few hours and got things all sorted out. I hope it'll be smooth sailing now for awhile, as there are other things i'd like to spend my time on.
Like him.   I told him the other day i'm a sucker for punishment.  I do believe i am.
I've just been doing some thinking, and some reading back as well.  I've come to one... conclusion, or maybe theory about whats been going on as of late.  How can i expect a commitment of any kind, if i'm not willing to do the same?  How can i expect a show of feelings, words as well, if i don't offer up the same, regardless of whether they are the same as his or not? 
I don't know what the future holds any more then the next guy, but i do know that if i'm not willing to step up/out as well, nothing much will change.
So bearing that in mind, i've expressed my feelings, my emotions to him for 2 days now.  He laughs at me, or blows it off, which is nothing less then i expect, but it's something i shall keep on doing.  I once wrote a little thing about what  i want, in life, in a relationship, and i added at the end of it, that anything and everything is open to compromise.  Yet,  in regards  to whatever my relationship is with him, i haven't been open to compromise, at all, in the least. 
For the past few weeks, its been on and off disagreeing with him.  Yet for the past few days at the very least, he's called me quite a few times.  Twice already today (and he's only been up about 2 hrs), yesterday was about 3-4 times and the day before about 5 times.   He calls us friends.  But hell i've never called a girlfriend as often as he's been calling me.    I wonder if me telling him the other day how much i look forward to hearing his voice had anything to do with it?   Or because i've mentioned the word love a few times.   I know he thinks i'm playing games with him,  well, i think he'd always thought that.  Maybe some of the things i've said might seem like it at times, but i'm still sorting out my feelings here, i know some of them, but not all.  
Everything in respect to him, has changed, and changed enormously in the last few months. Thoughts i've swear i'd never have, have surfaced in my mind. The unthinkable has become wants.  I'm thoroughly confused by a lot of whats going on, encouraged by others, and sadden by some as well. 
If i'm going to do something to push him away, then so be it, but it'll be me expressing myself that shall do it.  It's scared one away already, and thats ok with me.  If you can't handle me, thats ok!  But i'd rather know it towards the beginning of a new relationship then at the end of a long long long one.
I'd love to have him call me and invite me for supper or something today or tomorrow,  i wonder if i'll get my wish?