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So last night i spent the evening with him. He did the potatoes, and i did the rest. Prime rib steaks and some sauteed onions and mushrooms, yum! We had one another for dessert. So great meal overall! Afterwards we we out to the island (less city lights) to watch the lunar eclipse. It was very cold out, but it was nice none the less. As it turns out my camera was a bit better then his and my pics turned out a tad better. If i think about it, i'll post a few. Went back to his place for a bit and cuddled on the couch. I stayed long enough to go give a friend a ride home from work, so i ended up getting home at about 1 am, and getting up at 5am sucked ass, but last night was worth it.
Today just seemed to suck, maybe because i was/am cranky from lack of sleep. Work was ok, but it just got worse from there. I think its more then just crankiness, but to get into it, i'd have to delve into my feelings and i'm not sure i want to go there yet. Well i know my feelings already, or at least i'm 95% sure of them. Its been a long time coming, years and years in the making. I just never allowed myself to let them surface. I can't get hurt if i let em out. There's so much that bothers me now, and i have a very rough time keeping them in. So here i sit, writing it out, because i don't want to talk to anyone, and have my mood make them cranky as well. He asks if my mood has anything to do with him, or something he did, i simply say "it doesn't matter". Yet it does, otherwise i wouldn't be cranky or as cranky as I am. And he's responsible for some of it. Because i'm allowing myself time to feel things openly, i won't hold it in, but i also don't feel i should have to say what he did that caused alot of it. I guess i figure he should just know. Especially when as soon as he does some of it, he looks straight at me for a reaction. I know some is on purpose. But i also know that it doesn't matter what i say, because he won't be serious with me right now and make a joke of it.
Sometimes men just suck! Ok correction, men in my life suck.
I should go to bed, i'm so tired, but i won't, because i'm hoping something good is yet to come. Its the part i always try to hide, the part of me that has so much hope, despite the odds of things. I'm too emotional lately, but always when i'm alone, i hate it when people see me cry. I shed a few tears last night or maybe it was the night before.
Fate is a strange thing. Sometimes it sneaks up on you. Last night was the eclipse, hence the title of this entry, and as i was typing some, my playlist of a few hundred-ish? songs starts playing "Total eclipse of the heart" The gods smiling or laughing at me?
"Turnaround, Every now and then I know you'll never be the boy you always wanted to be
Turnaround, Every now then I know you'll always be the only boy who wanted me the way that I am."
If you knew me, knew him, you'd see these words ring so true. My ex always told me that i love to easily, too freely, and never enough. Replace the word love with care and i'd agree. There's a difference. To love would be to do anything for someone, and to care is to do almost anything. There have been 2 men in my life that i feel/felt this way for. That i would do anything for. One is no longer in my life and one is. My ex-hubby is not one of them. I still love him, but i was never in love with him. The one that is in my life, i never thought i'd ever love this way. I hesitate to use the words in love, because i can't say thats what it is. He asked me, are we boyfriend and girlfriend and i answered as honestly as i could. I don't know what we are. How can i answer when my wants, maybe my needs clash so much with what would be with him? Do i love enough, want enough, willing to give up so much for it? I got him so pissed at me one night I thought we wouldn't talk again. Never have i seen him this pissed, or upset. He said those goodbye words in his way, and thats it. The next day much to my surprise, he called me and acted as if nothing had happened. I know he didn't forget what was said, as he's since brought it up, last night was one of them, so whats the deal, he's not willing to give me up yet? No matter what we are or aren't? What i want or he's able to give?
We see one another a lot as of late. I know what he wants, but i haven't come to terms with myself yet. He knows this and accepts it, happy with whatever i give him (or so he lets on). So much bugs me about "this" though. We have talked about anything and everything under the sun, yet when we're together, he refuses to talk to me about anything serious, yet if i'm on-line when he gets home from work etc, and we type-talk, he will talk serious, at least til i ask a direct question and then he ignores it, or changes the subject. I"m on auto-pilot for now, just letting things just go where they may. They've gone to a few amazing places so far in the last few weeks, and i'm not talking sexually either, as thats been twice, once a few weeks ago and then last night. (don't get me wrong, i'm not saying its not amazing!) I know this fun happy time right now is what he wants, not that i don't, but i want to explore, to talk, about NOW, about whatever the future might hold, not just about things we can do in the summer etc. He's so scared that talking to one another is going to change the now happy part, and yes it will, but it'll change for better or worse. A chance i'm willing to take, not one he is though. Yet.
Jesus when i get talking i just don't stop do i? And then there is the kid, who was all gungho at the idea of "us" at first, when i'd admit to nothing but friends and now she's kinda freaked out by it. I get the feeling she really likes him, but she's been upset the last week or so by it. So then just because i am me, i feel for her, she's part of me, i feel bad that i'm enjoying his company so much since it bothers her so much. I feel so torn right now. Because of the kid, because of him, because of how i got to this point, the last year or 2. I'm just so sick of the drama in my life that any relationship seems to bring. I just want to be loved, to love and be happy for once in my life. No guilt about any of it because it might hurt another i love and/or care for.
Sometimes it just seems that no matter what i do or say or don't say, its always the wrong thing. Too little too late, too much too soon. Maybe i shouldn't say anything, just sent a link of this to him, tell him to read it, and sleep on it. Maybe i need a mental break from life, from feeling, from wanting expecting hoping and being disappointed. He asked what i was up to tonight, i said i was free til 4 tomorrow. I'm not feeling the confidence yet with all this to say, I'd like to spend the night cuddling on the couch with you. Just spend time together, talking, breathing, no pressure. Just being, with him. But i can't yet. He didn't suggest either, oh well. Have a few drinks, which you know i hate. And won't be around.... maybe he needs a break from me already, yet he says, aww your going home? I miss you already. Fuck! And i wonder why i'm so torn. Then calls me just because, wants to see me tomorrow, even just for coffee.
The highest high and the lowest low. Time to give the mind a break, the heart, the soul. I hope he leaves me alone for the rest of the night, yet i hope he doesn't either.
..........
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Posted by swordmaiden on 2008-02-21 22:33:15 | Rating: | Views: 73
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Love ya babe.
Now you feel how hard it is to be attracted to someone
I feel for you
Just don't fall too quick too hard or too long
HEY! Do I suck as bad as the other guys in your life?
I promise to suck less in the future!
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Posted by TheAmandaChronicles
on 2008-02-22 03:08:30
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You don't suck, at least not yet, and no worries, I won't fall hard, long or too quickly if at all. Just trying to understand myself a bit more. =)
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Posted by swordmaiden
on 2008-02-22 14:43:07
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"...at least not yet..."
So you do expect my to suck sometime in the near future? Let me know so I can buy some chap stick!
Understanding yourself is the purpose of these blogs, isn't it? At least mine is!
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Posted by TheAmandaChronicles
on 2008-02-22 22:13:10
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