The other night, it was becoming just too hard to go on as we have been.  He wasn't feeling all that great, his allergies and a cold seemed to be settling in.  He asked me to come sleep over and i said we'll see, that i really just needed to go for a walk and think things over. 
This relationship is semi-complicated because i'm not the only one in his life.  There's been someone else there, on and off for the last 4 yrs.  This was meant to just be a night of fun, no strings attached but it just built and continued to be a lot more.   I'm at a point in life, or so i think, that while fun is fun, its not what i want anymore.  I'm ready to settle down, i'm ready to try for the long haul again.   I'm also one of little patience, though i've surprised myself at just how much i've had in the last month.

So anyways, i told him i needed to go for a walk,  and i did.  I took one of my kitties for a walk down to the docks, and as just not to worry him i sent him a message, something to the effect of "i'm at war with myself, i have a angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, i'm trying to decide which one to listen to."     And after awhile he sent me a message back, "i'd listen to the devil"    

This isn't supposed to be this hard, i didn't go looking for this, nor did i want it.  Yet here i am, and i want what we have with most of my heart yet i hold back a lot of things i want to say, because i told him in the beginning, no pressure.  I took a picture of the moon, and with it i sent another message, but he didn't get it as i found out later.  When i finally got home from my walk,  i went up to my room and then he called.  We talked for about 2 hours, from 12am til 2 am.  I opened up a bit and told him at what point i knew i just had to back away.  It was when we had gone away from the night and were having brunch at the restaurant of the hotel.  He had opened his wallet and showed me the pictures of 2 kids in his life.   They weren't his, but they might as well have been.  As he was talking about them, his eyes just simply lit up.  The happiness, the feelings of his, just shone through and it was almost blinding.  It was at that moment i started to think,  this needs to end because i dont want to be the reason those 2 kids have their little hearts broken.  He was telling me their story of a sorts and it was just breaking my heart. 

So i told him as much, and he says to me, i didn't know my emotions showed so much.  His feelings.   I never see that much with regards to me, but then he won't let me know how he feels, but he had no reason not to show these ones to me,  he didn't even realize he was.

So we had a long talk that night, and he pretty much knew/knows how i felt after our talk. But as we were saying goodnight and i told him to have a good sleep,  he said he wouldn't be sleeping much, but then i didn't think i would be either.  He starts up with saying he was going to come over,  i didn't really think he would, no matter how much i wanted him too, but he did and it somewhat surprised me.  I met him at the door and without even saying a word he just came up to me and wrapped his arms around me and just simply hugged me, fr a long time.   After a time i asked him, why did you come over, and he said to me, because you called me, i heard you.
We went to my room and we crawled into bed, and i just laid there for a time, with him as my pillow.  I have never felt like crying and letting it all out as i did that night, but i didn't, remember, no pressure.   As miserable as i was, i was also so elated that i got to have him in my arms, feel his heart beating under my head one more time. 
When i got up to go to work leaving him that morning was one of the hardest things i've had to do, because it i think it was then i knew it probably wouldn't happen again.  Maybe i hoped and prayed it would, no matter how much i wanted it to happen again, repeatedly.

That day, later in the evening, i was home and having a nap when he called me, asking me to come out with him for a bit because he wanted some company.  I went, because i'm a sucker for punishment.  We didn't talk much that night as others were around us for most of the night.  He dropped me off and i said i was going for another walk.  He had some rearranging at home to do, as his lot isn't big but he had to arrange it so the 4 trucks and now a trailer would fit.  He asked me to come sleep over, i said and where would i park,  he said we'd figure it out.  I told him to call me and we'd see.  He did call and said if i was coming over he just had to move one truck over a bit for me to park, but i thought no,  this is it,  the first of many nights apart.  I told him to go to bed, as he didn't get much sleep the night before.  This time he didn't really fight me, just made sure that i knew he wanted me there.    We all want things in life, some things more then others.  I want him, but i hope i know when to try to let go.  I hope he knows too.

The next day, i knew he was leaving for the weekend and he came over before he left for a coffee and we had a little chat.  He told me a little story about this guy he knew, who he just didn't make the time for.  It was sad but i got his meaning.  He said he'd see me on tuesday when he got back to town, and i simply said, you might.   He looked at me when i said that,  asked me why i said might.   I didn't go into detail, just said something to the effect that you just never know what might happen.  Fiery car or truck crashes etc.   Just me being me.   He then said thank you to me, and he meant it with all of his heart.  I knew what he was thanking me for, there was no need for any more words.  I got out of the truck and told him to drive safely, slammed the door and walked away.