It was a long and quiet night. I don't mind working the midnights, it gives me a chance to just breathe and take it easy, instead of being rushed off my feet when i do morning/afternoon.
Last night was weird. No one was around, so i was alone with my thoughts. I got to thinking about all my past relationships, not that there have been a ton. I had a few "crushes" before i met my hubby, but he was the first relationship. I got pregnant at a young age, and i couldn't give her up, its just not who i am. I gave him a choice, before she born. Either you leave now and never look back, or your in her life for the rest of yours. It was my choice to keep her, not his. His choice was to stay. When she was 6 or so, we got married. Because everyone wanted it, seemed like the thing to do. Planned for over a year, and he proposed 3 weeks before the wedding. Match made it heaven huh? We both agree we did it for the wrong reasons, we let ourselves be bullied by family. Needless to say, it lasted less then 2 years, if that, once we said "i do".
Its been 9 years since then yet legally still married. He just doesn't care either way, and me, well i've used it as a crutch. I can't do anything stupid, like get married in Vegas if still am right? Nor can i really put myself out there if i still am. I realize this now, have in the last year. I've always hated change, now i'm starting to welcome it with open arms. The marriage cert copy is sent for, the divorce forms i now have. Change is coming and i want it greatly.
So anyways, last night i started thinking about the few men, between the hubby and now. And why they didn't work so far. There was V, K, C and S, then my Matt. There was a one night stand, and a 2 night stand, but i don't really consider them a "reationship".
V was a sweetheart who had alot of personal, private problems (sexual bad things growing up). He wasn't acceptable to dealing with them, i thought i could help him, maybe i did to a point but i was dealing with my own, and it just didn't work. I loved him a ton as a friend, but really thats as far as it went.
K was an older man, who was dealing with his second divorce and was so scared of being alone, he'd do anything and everything to ensure that wouldn't happen. Being somewhat newly single myself, and knowing i needed time, i tried to be a friend but that wasn't what he wanted, and wouldn't listen to me, so i just let it go.
C was a nice, safe, yet carefree ... fling... i guess you'd call it, who made me laugh and smile for a time, but he wanted more then i was willing to give as well.
S, oh S, he was the first guy to make me want a relationship again, one that would mean something. He'd come visit me at work and visit for hours, but it took him a few months to work up the courage to ask me out. He finally did and ... kinda of a disappointment. I wanted to take things slow, he wanted me to meet mom asap. I said lets give it some time first, us some time, he then told her i didnt want to meet her. NOT what i said. He was a strange one, virgin at 40, but kind of endearing, but that aside, he was a bit to freaky for my liking. I won't go into detail. Maybe he wasn't or maybe i was too used to how things were with the ex-hub, that change wasn't what i could accept? Maybe i wasn't ready for someone yet.
Then came Matt. We started as friends. I'd just seek him out or him me, and we'd spend hours together, never tiring of one's company. One night a few weeks into the friendship, i'm not sure why or how, but him and I became a "we" or "us". He was so.... fresh and innocent and shy. I didn't really want US then, but i couldn't hurt his feelings, i didn't think we'd last longer then a few months at most. But i loved his company and month after month, it just continued. No pressure for anything, but i came to love him, as a dear friend and then more. I wanted to be the one to show him things, teach him stuff, learn with him as well. And now its been 5 years with him.
But back to the past, kinda of. Just thinking about this the last little while, has made me realize, i don't go for the guy thats hot or built or sexual or whatever, i tend to go for the one thats hurting or needy (not quite the right word but close enough). I go for the one that seems to need me, that i can maybe help in some way. My heart goes out to them, and i just want to do something, anything to help em. To make them smile, laugh, be happy.
I know thats why i stayed with Matt in the beginning, because he just seemed to want and NEED me. I wanted to be that person. But i guess over the years, that isn't so much a need now, i feel he doesn't need me. I always want to be needed, but i've had a hard time accepting that him only wanting me there is just as good, and can be even better then needing me there. I just want him to just want me now, i don't care if he doesn't need me. He's the other half of my soul, that i didn't realize was missing. I thought i was teaching him, when really he's taught me so much more.
From the few guys i dated, inbetween Hub and Matt, S was the one i had the most feelings for. I had just been thinking of him, 20 mins ago, wondering if i had any feelings for any of the past guys, when he walked in the door. I didn't even see his face, i just glanced up and saw his body and i knew it was him. He turned around and saw me. We hadn't seen one another , save once, and we just kinda waved at one another that time, in about 5 years. I wasn't sure if i still had feelings for anyone still, but i don't like to tempt fate so to speak. I smiled at him, truly glad to see him, but also happy knowing i felt nothing at seeing him. No memories of a fun time, or anything other then just "its nice to see a familar face" type thing.
I've been so consumed with things the last while, i was thinking maybe i couldn't see the forest through the trees. As my g/f tells me, that i was pinning all my hopes on one thing and blind to anything and everything else. I don't believe this is the case, maybe it was at the beginning but its not now. I've grown alot in the last 10 years, the most being in the last year. My eyes are finally open, and i can see life once again. My heart has mended, and is getting stronger, its not healed, but all things come in time. |
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