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| New year, new conflicts, new thoughts
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Well the new year has started. I'm attempting to make a few changes, so far so good.
I rung in the new year by getting drunk, and unfortunately there is a video or 2 to prove it. I'm the kind of person that always remembers everything when i've been drinking as well, so i never do anything stupid at those times, i just say them, as it loosens the tongue so to speak. I just stayed home and had a few with my daughter. It was nice. I could think of what might of been, but that will get me no where.
I just got back from my few days away. It was nice to just relax, not have to get up to an alarm clock. I spent some quality time with my daughter, but i think most importantly, it gave me a chance to just think, and remember and work through some of my... problems? ideas? thoughts? whichever they were.
My thinking isn't always clear, or right or wrong. Right now i feel i'm at a good place. I am at a good place. I don't want to throw around words like happy, or content or satisified, because those aren't what i am. But something to those effects. In general i'm "okay". IF okay even describes a feeling. Life goes on right?
The first day sucked bad, i just wasn't good company for the most part. Ending up in the same room that "we" had been in didn't help matters but i decided to try not to let it bother me. I wanted to go regardless to get it out of my system. Bang my head but good with it, figuratively speaking, and it kinda worked.
I still have questions about things that only he can answer, but if given the chance, i'm not even sure i'd ask them. I have my own ideas about some of the things as well. Last time we talked, he opened up a bit to me, but then i wasn't in a mood to take nothing in return. In a way it was surprising because i didn't even expect that from him. I simply told him i wanted a bit of honesty, which i feel he wasn't or hasn't been giving me. I offered up some of my ideas, or what i see, as what i thought honesty on his part would be. I asked him to deny anything i had just said. And he didn't. But life isn't as simple as just that.
The thing that i'm maybe having the hardest time over about all of this, is the fact that he said he got nothing from me, that i didn't tell him anything. Now i totally agree with this up until a few months ago. I freely admit and accept all blame he directs my way. But that changed in Oct. For maybe the first time in my life, i opened up, i bared my soul, not completely but it was a start. He was surprised that i was cabable of that. And it continued. It felt good, it felt right. I don't know why i was so scared of doing it, though now i can see why, my feelings are partially what drove him away. He told me my feelings scared him. Wtf is that? Think they don't, didn't scare the shit outta me? What do you think all this past year was about? I guess he really hasn't heard what i've said to him. He told me i still have the ability to make him feel like shit, guilty, sad etc. I don't think i have that ability, or maybe i think i shouldn't have that ability. Its not what, or how i want him to feel. He just doesn't get that. He told me i didn't fight, and maybe i didn't soon enough, but i am now, am willing to, but i won't because he doesn't want me to. Yet he wanted me to when i had started. What changed?
I know what changed. Someone else made him feel special, someone attractive and can be there more than i can. He doesn't agree with me on that point, that there is no feelings. But i'm not so sure there isn't, at least on his part. I"m not saying he loves her, but he likes her because she offers what i used to. Not what i do now. She offers him a small part of her life, a few moments in a game that make happy thoughts. I used to offer that. I refused to about a year ago. Because life happened. I started to realize as great as those times are/were it just wasn't enough. I wanted more, i wanted it all, i wanted forever. And i had a very tough time with that. We had a rough time with that.
A had a chat with a friend a few days ago, he told me to accept the things i cannot change. I'm starting to. I can't change whats happened in the past, nor can i change what happens in the future, but at least with that part i can help to shape what happens in the future, in my future.
I hope he does as he says. I hope he changes the things in his life that he wants to. School, moving etc etc. But as long as he holds on to the fantasy world, as i did for so long, nothing much will change. Everything will stay the same. He won't live as he wants to. This is my hope for him, that he can do as he says he wants.
These were the thoughts other days, the thoughts til now about this. And in between all of these thoughts, i got over a few things and ended up having a great time. So i'm okay, i'm really okay for now. I'm at a good spot. So what if things didn't turn out as i wanted, as i planned. Life goes on and i'm learning as i go. I'm okay with the fact he just didn't, doesn't love me as he thought he did. Or doesn't any longer. One day i'll be worth that much to someone else, maybe that time i won't screw it up, maybe i will. But life goes on and so do i, i'm just hoping that now, these times to come, my eyes will be open a bit more, and my heart as well. Right now the one thing i am sad about is that he wants to be my friend, yet he runs. Maybe one day he'll stop.
Life is full of unexpected things. Expected things as well.
Today my daughter got more piercings! I don't understand her, she's a nutcase, not really but i'm her mom and i'm allowed to say these things. She got the twins done, OUCH! There's something weird about seeing them, god i would never get that done, but thats me, tattoo's are more my thing. She still has 2 years to wait for that, because those are forever in my eyes and not a decision i'll allow her to make for herself quite yet. Not that i'll allow it in 2 years but then it won't be my choice, it'll be hers. Thats something i can live with, but not yet.
But alas, this felt good to get out. Time to do something a bit more productive, just not sure what that is yet.
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Posted by swordmaiden on 2008-01-03 20:23:22 | Rating: | Views: 50
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