Well we talked, and he isn't coming. I never thought it could hurt this much. Guess i was wrong on yet another thing. I had a chat with my g/ the other day, she told me it was best if he didn't come, for me, in her opinion. I agree with her, to a point. I've always ran, locked myself away and never let myself grieve for anything or anyone, at least not openly. It just means it takes me longer to get over things. He's not sure how he feels, or what he wants from life. I can understand that, i really can, he's a bit younger then me, i'm his first real relationship.
We've always had a problem with our timing, yet we managed to work through it. Not this time. I was hoping we could, but we can't, i just have to come to terms with it now.
I know its over, in my heart, for now and maybe forever. But i guess i just wanted one last hug, maybe one last kiss. In any other relation there's always been that feeling inside, where i just knew, that was the last one. I don't have that feeling with him yet. I wish i did. He told me he would come, he just can't now because he doesn't know how he feels. When a few weeks ago, he said he had to see me again to know how he feels, or rather to make sure what he feels is right and true. I'm just confused. I don't know what to think, talking to him isn't helping, not when he says he'll come, sometime soon and i can have him to myself, to say goodbye. So i can go through this all again? Because right now, as much as this hurts, i know that'll hurt more and yet i'll still do it. I'm selfish i guess, because i want that time with him, I want to spend time with him, i want a few more memories to cherish. But i also think i deserve to have this time, the face to face, 5 years is a long time, to say goodbye. I deserve to have this pain, to go through it. I need to. Maybe it isn't fair to him, but how is a goodbye and giving me hope until the day before, fair to me? But then life just isn't fair.
He thinks he let me down, and maybe he did to a point but i don't see it that way. He gave me his heart for 5 years, he was patient and loving and always there for me. I don't think i offered the same in that time, not all of me. When i did, it was too late i think. Maybe i scared him off, maybe it had nothing to do with me. I'm not sure, and i'm not even sure it matters. I love him so much, as a friend, and i just know that the friendship, no matter how much it means will slowly disappear, because i also am in love with him. I know he needs to follow his heart, and that right now, its just not with me. I encourage him, i want him to do this, to succeed in all he wants and needs. But the part thats in love with him, rebels inside me. I should be selfish and demand what i want, and now dammit. Come say goodbye to me now, come and maybe give me the ability to let you go. But i can't, because i love him, and his needs will always come before mine. No matter how much my brain is telling me to just stop, i can't. This is my first time of going through this, maybe it'll be the wrong way, but for me it feels right. I'll hold on for awhile longer, no matter how far the odds are against it. I never wanted anything this much before. Just once i want the timing in my life to be right on, just once. Just not to be for now, but it'll come, probably when i least expect it. |
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