I don't know if thats an apt title or not for this, but it seems fitting.  What else could i name this if given a few options.  The past, the present, and the future.   The year to come, the year gone by.  My resolutions?  A time for goodbyes.  Letting go.  Still believing, or still have faith.  A learning experience.  So many it could be.

This past year has had many ups and downs.  It was wrought with change, some good some bad.  Hopes abounded and were crushed. Life changed yet stayed the same. 

It started out pretty good for me, i got a promotion and i loved my new job, even though it meant a lot more stress, but it was something i needed.  I needed some change in my life.  The past few years before that were all the same, they ran together, nothing to separate one from the other.  I'm not saying i didn't enjoy or even love them, because i did, but it was more of a fantasy then anything,  i wasn't living those years, just small pieces of them did i really "live".

As the year progressed, there much more change in store for me. The most important ones being my love life, and my health.  The love life went downhill, to a point because of my health, because of my mental health as well as body health. 

I always loved my Matt, but never as much or as deeply as i came to this year.  This year was a fight, one that right now i feel i've lost.  I struggled immensely with my feelings,  on how much i really do love him,  on whether he loved me the same or enough,  if he wanted the same things from us that i did. And so much more then just this.  I realized too late just what he meant and means to me.  I'd like to  place blame here, but i can't, not on me, and not on him.  I needed all of this to happen to find myself, to hear myself and know myself and my heart.  To believe in myself once again.  I'd like to think i'm there, i'm believing and i know i am, maybe not totally but its come and will continue with time.   We've coasted through a lot of our relationship, or so i feel.  Its what we wanted, maybe needed to do.  I realized thats not what i want anymore, as great as it was, its not what i want.  I want someone who will be there for me, not a thousand miles away.  I want to be there for him as well.  I want to live my life with someone, to share things and be able to just place my hand on his cheek, just because.  I want forever,  i wanted it with Matt, but its just not meant to be, now and maybe ever.  I came to see, that home isn't where you live, but where your heart it.  And that my heart was finally free to lead me where ever it wanted to go. 

My health had a lot to do with my thinking on my relationship.  But i didn't see the forest through the trees.  To me it signalled the end to a want, a need, a dream that i came to have.  But it's not, at least not yet.  I see it now, but not so much then.  I didn't want to deal with it, i couldn't yet, because to give up on that was also to give up or so i thought on what i wanted with Matt, which i now see isn't the case. But too little too late. 

I think i'm now at a point where i have or in the process of letting go what was, because i, we, can't go back to that, i don't want to, no matter how much i loved that time.  I've said some goodbyes to alot from back then that i loved and will remember fondly,  they are but sweet memories.  I've grown as a person from what i was back then,  i dont want to go back,  i want to move forward.  I plan to move forward and i WILL move forward.  

I am attempting to let go of him now,  i'd said my goodbyes of a sorts, but he makes it so hard to do. Maybe i make it hard to do, or we both do. He wants me to let go,  but has he?  Some of his words and actions lately  make me thing he hasnt quite yet.  He didn't want me to let go of the past, as i saw fit to do.  I don't think he sees it as i do, i know he doesn't.  I don't know what he thinks about it  but i have an idea.  I think he sees it as me turning my back on him and what was,  that i want to forget those times and erase them.  Thats not the case at all.  But i can't make him understand me, not if he doesn't want to. Maybe its easier for him to think this.  Then so be it, we all cope in different ways. And as long as he feels he can't talk to me about anything,  then nothing thats bugging him can be resolved or so i feel.  He tells me he won't know how he feels til he sees me again, but then doesn't let it happen.  I am scared of what that might of been, but i'd rather know then not.  He's not ready to face it.  Yet he'll come see me one more time, his words, so we can say goodbye. So you know you want to say goodbye? Why bother to even say your coming?  Why do you want to come?   Oh how he confuses me.  

These are, were my last struggles of 2007.  I wanted to let go of them, but i can't, i'm not ready to yet.  They will carry over to 08,  maybe longer,  at this point i don't have a clue. I want to move on. I want to not feel this pain, or hurt, or love, but its not to be yet.  He's given me one thing i didn't have in such a long time, hope.  I don't know why i have hope, or what for.  Is it for us, or what still might be, that things might change?  He wants to be friends, but not talkin to me isn't a friend,  so maybe i hope for that?  I wish i knew.  
In my attempt to let go, i wrote him a short little letter, saying he wouldn't hear from me again, i go peacefully,  til he's ready to talk to me, he has to come to me.  I meant it, i did, which is why as much as i'd like to wish him a happy new year, i havent and won't unless he talks to me first.   I don't know if we can be friends,  i don't know if he'll trust me again, because i feel he doesn't.  There is no reason for him not to, but i can't change how he feels.  

There's a song that runs through my head, " Just let it go"  but i havent yet, i want to, but i haven't, nor will i quite yet.   Life goes on, it doesn't stop for no one.  Maybe one day,  soon or not, i'll just wake up and know its time.  A lot is still processing, accepting, hoping. 

The gods, whoever they are,  might choose to smile,  or they might frown, whatever will be will be.  He was meant to come into my life, and maybe now he's meant to leave it.  The gods will see to it either way.  And I thank them, for what they deemed to give me, regardless of if they take it away. 

Happiness is not a destination, its a way of life.  -- i agree
Its better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all.  -- i agree but it still sucks
Let it go, if it comes back it was yours, and if it doesn't, it never was.  -- I believe