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Music in the Soul

I'm not one that keeps current on music, i just listen to the radio or to what the kid listens to. Lately i've been downloading some that make me think, that make me start singing out loud. There's a few songs that stand out alot for me right now. It's been feeding my soul lately. A few of my fav's atm, or in the last few months, are Pain, Chasing Cars, Wisemen, and My Immortal , a few others as well.

Life with an exception or 2, has been going fairly well for me. I've had so much time to think about my life, my choices or lack of them, why things have gone this way for me, or that. I've said that i've regretted a few of my past choices, and i guess i do in a way, but maybe regret isn't the right choice of word. Making and doing what i did in the past, has shaped who i am today. I love the me of today, where as i didn't like all of me from the past.

I have lived much of my life, not so much for me, but for others. Choices i made were because of others, not because they were what i wanted. Yes sometimes those were the ones where there isn't really a choice. Others, they were the worst CHOICE yet you still make them. It started when i got pregnant so young, i don't think i made all the right mature choices i should of made. I do not regret any. Nor would i change any of those ones.
My life has had many ups and downs, as life should, because the same thing would drive me crazy i'm sure. I didn't get married for the right reasons, but i think i left it for the right reasons. I didn't start new relationships on the right foot. They just happened, when i didn't really want them to, i just could never speak up for myself. I love others, and their feelings too much, always put them before my own. Its just easier to hurt myself then to hurt others.
I guess one can only do it for so long, i reached my breaking point finally mid '07. It was probably the best thing that could happen to me, the results of it weren't all that great, but i'm happy it finally happened. Sometimes a melt down does a body and brain good. Everyone needs a good kick in the ass sometimes :)

I've learned a few important lessons because of it. That i need to love myself, first and foremost, that my wants and needs are just as important as anyone else's. I've also learned what it is to truly forgive someone. That hurting isn't the end of all. I think i've become a whole lot less judgemental then i was before. I've also become a bit more .... spiritual then i was before. I found out i like being myself, and not what someone wants me to be.

The bad parts or rather unhappy parts of life atm are those things i can't change and just have to accept. My Nana for example. Went and brought her home from the hospital on friday. They thought a heart attack was coming on from the pains she was having. That is whats going to do her in according to one of her many doctors. But this time it wasn't that. It was a build up of fluid in her lungs and around her heart. A few days in the hospital fixed that, for now. But the lung cancer won't go away, it will happen again. One day she won't come home. Its one thing to break up, to say goodbye, knowing that they'll go on, etc etc. And another when someone just dies unexpectly. I know her time is coming. I'd guess a few months, but you never know. How does one say goodbye when you know its inevitable? Is there such a thing as saying goodbye too soon? Every time you leave their company, the thought of this could be the last time you see this person alive, goes through your head. I've lost a few people but its always been "just outta the blue" so to speak. This is different. I know people go through this everyday and get by, its just new to me, and the thoughts get greater i guess as more time passes and that time comes nearer.
But life is all ever-changing. One door closes and another opens. Someone leaves your life, another person enters. As much as it changes, it stays the same. I look forward to the next chapter of life. I am not one for planning for the future so to speak. But i've made a few choices, i've made myself a few longer term goals for life. But at the same time, they also have cut off times. I have til my 36th b-day for one then that one is over with. I have a year to accomplish another. 2 years for yet another. My life, my terms, some things can be compromised, but not all.

Time to gather my crap up, outta town for a day or 2, lets hope i make it back :P I hate winter weather in the great white north, or rather i hate it when i have to travel.