Tonight was especially hard.  Fuck the last 6 months have been hard but i just haven't felt it like i have the last month or so.  The last week.  Why do i bother, i know why, but maybe i can convince myself of another reason.
I feel so lost, so confused.  All i seem to do is focus on me lately, when i much want to focus on him, or us.  Maybe i am doing that as well,  i know i am but its hard to... when i just have no clue to how he's feeling.  I wish he'd talk to me, I wish he'd just tell me to fuck off, or say i love you, or say, hey i need more time.  I haven't given up hope, but each day that passes, the knife twists deeper, or so i feel.  I believe i have no right to feel as i do,  to blame him for my hurt, my pain. And i don't, because i brought this on myself.   He thinks, or rather he told me before, all he does lately is cause me pain.  What the fuck did i do, do i do, to him?  I'd say the same thing.  But so much worse, because i let it go on for so long.  God if this is how he felt, I can't blame him for never wanting to talk to me again, he's stronger then i am. 
I'm pathetic.  Every time i wake up, to go bed, various time throughout the day, walk by my pc, i hope to god he's at least left me a message.  When the phone rings, my heart skips a beat hoping its him.  It always has. But then i always just took that for granted.  Maybe i had my one chance, maybe he'll deem to give me another, maybe he won't. 
I think he knows whats hurt me the worst.  And kind of why, but not the full reason why.  Well on the bright side things just can't get any worse. Or so i tell myself.  This man is simply amazing.  I've never met anyone like him.  I know i never will.  He'd give you the shirt of his back, the last dollar in his pocket.  Expecting nothing in return, ever.  I'm much the same, except i could never open myself like that. 
He has a problem with my past actions, but he's not sure why.  I think its because we grew up so differently, but maybe not.  Men say they just can't figure women out, do you honestly think we have more of a clue then you guys do?  
For instance, if i was a lesbian, i'd so totally be the butch.  Plaid and flannel are the best clothes ever, in my opinion.  I don't do silk and satin, and i abhor lace.  I don't wear make-up ( maybe once a year).  I'm just not a girly girl.  I grew up with an older sister always doing that. She grew up to sell her body etc etc etc.  She's always let herself get used and abused and just figures that her lot in life i guess.  But as a younger person, i saw this on a constant basis.  I tried and still try my hardest not to be like her in any way, shape or form.  So i say no to the makeup etc etc.  Its not to say i don't want to, but old habits die hard i guess.  Slowly i'm coming out of my shell. I started small, just doing my nails.  My claws as my daughter calls them now.  It feels good to be a bit girly.  I've always wanted something sexy and slinky, more so lately, because he makes me feel beautiful.  But i'm a people pleaser, if i step out to buy something like that, i want something i'd think he like as well.  Trying to get any kind of answer of what he likes, is like pulling teeth.  So i just did it.  It felt good, hell it felt great.  I don't consider him just a b/f though, i also consider him my best friend. So i didn't just show it to him, i told him about it first.  Big mistake apparently, just another to my mistake list as of late.  But how to explain, like i just did?  Why do i need an explaination? Or do i?   See confusion.   I"m clueless alot, what to do, what not to do.

I need a list, of thing to do and not to do.  Yeah, that sounds good.  He thinks i'm changing from how he's always known me.  But i don't think i am, i know i'm not.  Parts of my life have changed, but me, nope.  I'm coming to understand myself a bit better, i'm more open with him.  I actually want to be open with him.  But i spill my guts all at once, not realizing that after what he's got from me, it would be a big change.  He doesn't understand its not me thats changed, its only my true feelings, its just me exposing to him, whats always been there and that i've only let little glimpses ? i guess, come out.   Maybe it is a change of me to him, but its who i've always been.  He thinks everything i do, have done or suggested "for us" lately, is really just for him, to make him happy, and its not.  But i don't know how to tell him its not.  In a way, it is true, i can admit that, but so much more then that, its because i WANT to do it. He makes me happy, he always has.  I know he always will, regardless of how "we" end up, because his happiness is so important to me.  Easy to say, but not easy to do.  I'm learning, but in practice its hard then it looks.  I know i don't always make him happy, in fact i've made him more miserable then i ever thought i could, it wasn't really intentional, but i just didn't know how to fix it.  Still don't, but i've got hope. 

I'm sorry for alot of things,  my past, which i can't change,  my behaviour and attitude with him,  but also for not believing enough in myself.  I've always dreamed of happily ever after, just never thought it would happen  to me, because i didn't deserve it.  Why is it we're always the hardest on ourselves? Why didn't i fight for my marriage? Why didn't i love him or respect him enough?  Why do i fight the one i do love now, every step of the way?  Why why why why.  So many i can think of.  The one that might bug me for the rest of my life might be -why did i wait until too late? or why didn't i fight for him for him sooner?
   Ahh well, i think its bedtime now, tomorrow is a new day.  Today was bad in my eyes, because i let my daughter see my... tears? unhappiness for things atm?  Though maybe its a good thing.  She got very protective of me,  kinda sweet actually.  She's turning into an adult before my very eyes.  She wants to give him a piece of her mind, and while my heart was crying for her to, my mouth and mind said no.  This is my hurt and pain to deal with, he has his own and he needs to figure it out, and right now, he's choosing to do so without me.  I just want ....  no, i just need a simple, i'm doing ok, or something, what i want is so much more.
Mass confusion in my brain, i wonder if i'll understand this post when i read it again.