Its monday and i'm tired as all get out, but pleasantly so.  These last 2 weeks or so have been eventful to say to the least.

So far things in my complicated little world are going pretty damn sweet for the moment.  I'm having such a good time, i just know it's going to end soon. (it always does)  I'm just not sure how.  For now i'm enjoying the ride but i'm also starting to look at the big picture.  I've thought about the big picture in respect to C and I, but i haven't pictured it yet, if one can understand my logic/thinking.  

Right now, things are quite spectacular with us, at least in my eyes.  I think and hope so in his as well, as he's still coming around, not to mention the fact he wanted me this weekend, and so there i was with him.
It just seems the more time i spend with him, the more i want to spend with him.  He's always been a friend and i've always enjoyed his company but this is just so much more then that.   And i'm not sure why.  I tend to over-analyze everything in my life, which is why i don't want to look too closely at this quite yet. 

My daughter wants to see me happy, and last few months of my life has been kinda hard on her. To clarify that somewhat,  she knows pretty much everything about my current, not so current relationships.   Before things started with C, she even told me to "go for C if your going to go for anyone".  Then she changed her tune when she saw how he makes me smile and just plain ol' happy.  She knows, just as i do, that if things continue, he will have the ability to hurt me, possibly destroy me.   This thought passes through my mind quite often, but so far i've been able to "easily" hold it at bay before it really starts up.    I know i won't be able to do this indefinitely.  I already feel a pulling of the heartstrings when it comes to him and in more then just the friendly manner its always been.  

The last few weeks i've learned alot about him that i didn't know.  When its just us, alone,  we open up and talk about things i don't talk about with anyone else.  But then its always been that way with us.  We bullshit alot, but he's the one guy, the one person i can just say anything to, and know i won't be judged or looked down on, or anything.    Even now, with things as they are... up in the air, where we're not sure where we're going with this...  we can still talk that way with one another.  We joke around and say stuff like why didn't we hook up like this sooner,  as we've known one another for sooo bloody long, but  i don't think we'd of ever reach this point had it happened before now.   I'm not even sure it'll last beyond tonight, or tomorrow or next week, but i know that i want it to.  But just because you want something, doesn't mean you'll get it.  I've found that out repeatedly in my life.

This past weekend was so nice, we kind of got away for it, even though it was work for him.  I did something kind of dumb and thought he'd get mad at me, ( me being me, i didn't think of what my actions would cause) but he knows i'm a smartass on occasion and he just hugged me, and told me he was glad i was ok.    Its the little things he's done, doing, that just so endears him even more to me.  Shows me exactly what kind of man he is, has become, and even what he was before.  I mean sure, he can be a real prick too, as all people can be, i've semi-witnessed it to a point, but that doesn't even bother or faze me. 

My over-analyzing shit is working overtime for the moment.   I know i'm happy right now.  I"m just not sure why.  Is it because its him? Is it because its simply what i want, or maybe what i've been waiting for?  Maybe i just crave him, this, us, affection?   I know in my heart, all of things come into play with regards to this, but which is the main reason?  Can i picture a future with him?  I can, but i don't know yet if i feel it will happen.    We talk alot about him or me, and past relationships, hell even semi-current ones. But we haven't really spoke about "us" yet.  We just say we know its something, but we're not sure what it is yet.  I'm not ready to define it quite yet, and i dont think he is either.   Its a hell of alot of fun right now, but that cant last forever.  It will eventuallly move one way or the other.  I know what i think i want,  i guess i'm just looking for some "sign" that says,  walk this way, it is true and correct.   Sometimes following my instincts just doesn't work out for me,  hell it never does.  Any wonder why i'm so hesistant now?   One day at a time for now it shall be.