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Yesterday was a good day, i feel like i worked out alot of my anger? heartache?
When on the computer, we always talk through yahoo, and i was in a bad state yesterday morning, i sent him a message and deleted him from my list. 2 seconds later I regretted it. I did it for various reasons i guess. Its so hard for me to just leave him be to work out his own stuff. I feel terrible when i see him as not being "idle", i feel like he is ignoring me, though really, a taste of my own medicine.
I decided i needed a day just away from everyone and everything. It didn't work out quite as i'd hoped, because i just couldn't stop thinking about him. For the first 2 hours or so, it was me focusing on the pain of everything lately. But at some point, i came to realize its me making me feel worse about everything. I know i expect more then i should from him, especially at the moment. But i've also only been focusing on how to take that pain away, and i came to see that i can't. It will go away in its own time, but it shouldn't be my main and only thought. I forgot somewhere along the way why i'm even still here in this relationship. I simply love my Matt with all my heart and soul. And thinking over all my actions the last few months, i really haven't shown that to him.
We've both done things that were wrong and that would hurt one another, intentional or not. He asked me if i could forgive him, and i know i can, but it won't just come overnight. He said it wasn't anything that meant anything to him, just harmless internet flirting, but i think he might of or does have feelings. To me you don't email someone from a game unless there's some feeling there? I really don't know. What i do know though is i want to trust him, i do trust him, he says its nothing, so i believe. I'm not proud of alot of things i've done lately, but i didn't go looking for someone to fill the void he left/leaves in my life when he's not there. But i also have to understand, people cope in different ways. I belong to a personals site, i just read the forums, he knows this, but he never let me know that it bothered him, why? I can always find something else to read, i can't replace him.
Apparently i'm a very jealous person. I knew i was to a certain point, but not to the extreme i've felt lately. He's mine, hands off to all else, and no one is allowed to talk to him because i want him all to myself. I'm obsessed as of late, maybe because i realized why i was avoiding him. There were many reasons, and we've talked about it. But now i'm also thinking its because of another. Over the years, its been much the same, good times and a few bad, but as time went by, i kept wanting more. I don't want to share him, i don't like to share him. With work and life and family etc etc, our time together has kept getting shorter and shorter. That is something i never thought would bother me, because in the end (figuratively speaking) its gonna be all that matters, we'll always be together.
But the last year or so, the end still isn't near enough for me. I seem to pick a point and just soley focus on that, without looking at the big picture. The longer i'm with him, the more i care, the deeper it goes, the more i hurt when we're not together, and i guess i kinda cracked. I needed a breather from all these emotions, but the more i stepped back, the more i didn't know how to step forward again.
Nothing has ever scared me like he does and i'm not sure how to deal with it.
In order for us to do this, to work it out, we both have to put in some effort. But i think i've now come to the point, where if it doesn't work, i know i'll survive it, even though i hate that thought. I am not the easiest person to live with, imo, but i don't think i'm a terrible person either. I have 2 choices here, believe that it'll work out, or it won't. Believe that either i'm enough to want it to work out or don't, to just put forth the effort.
I am going to choose to believe, unless he tells me differently. I love him, I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, through the good and also through this terrible badness we're going through right now. He's worth it to me. Quite simple when you get right down to it. I don't know if it'll work out, i can only hope. But i do know, i'll put forth as much effort as humanly possible, that i won't give up til the very end, and ha maybe not even then. But i also have to respect his decisions on this matter. I have to think of his feelings, which i've lacked to do lately. I hope it'll be enough. But as miserable as i'll be, i'll give him up if thats what he thinks he needs to be happy, i simply love him and want whats best for him.
I'm sorry I deleted him now, but i think it kinda gave me a freedom to just let everything in my mind try to work itself out. I lost site of why i was still here, and i think i got that back now. I can't just reign in my feelings about all this, but i can try to control myself a bit more then i have lately. For many moons, i didn't let them out, i just bottled everything up inside, its how i learned to cope with things. He wanted me to open up, i tested waters and found out, it wasn't as horrible as i thought it would be, and out came just about everything. I didn't how to stop it, he seemed like he was drowning. I'm hoping my outburst of feelings wasn't too much, i'm hoping i can control it a bit more now. But just not to the point of not sharing it, like i was at before.
I believe in him, i believe in us, and i'm starting to believe in myself, for the first time in a long while.
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Posted by swordmaiden on 2007-12-11 13:11:31 | Rating: | Views: 70
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