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 future wants, needs
So he called me yesterday, to see how i was.  It felt good despite all my tears, because it was nice to know he still cares. Cares, not loves, because i know he loves me, thats one thing i don't ever question.

He asked me to think about what i wanted out of life, future etc etc.  Wants me to think about it.  He doesn't realize thats what i have been thinking about for the last six months.  But he doesn't want it based on him.
What do i want for myself?  I want to be happy.  I want a house in the country with someone i love and many animals running around. I want someone to share life with. I want someone to enjoy life with. 
In my young grade school days i used to daydream about having a hubby and kids, that he'd come home from work and say Honey i'm home.  Its maybe not much of a dream, but still my dream.  I never could fathom that omg, one day i'd be 40, and well i'm not quite there, i'm 32 which isn't all that far off.
But back to wants,  wants i have plenty of, needs though, those are relatively few.  What do i need? (in future) 
I need to be loved, as i think most everyone needs.  I need to know i'm important to someone.  I need to know i'm the only one for them.  I think that most everything else will fall into place, if these needs are met.
I don't dream of a big house, fancy cars, expensive vacations.  I'd just like to be... comfortable in life. Not have to worry about buying food, fixing a car, etc etc. A bit of money in the bank and thats it. I'd love a Chrysler 300, but i can't afford one atm.  Wants are things you can liveout, might make you.. smile more, maybe happier for a time, but they are simply wants.   To me, he is a want, not a need.  I don't need him to survive, but i want him with a passion i never thought possible.  I can live without him, i just don't want to.   Maybe this isn't quite true, hmm.
My mind, my heart and my soul.  They haven't been on speaking terms lately,  they like to fight. 

I"ll start with my soul.  In my soul, i truly believe he is the one for me, always has been, always will be.  I used to believe and kinda of still do, that i could be content with someone, i didn't have to love them, but i did need to respect them.  But that belief is fading rapidly, not yet gone, only because i'm one that tends to hold on, even maybe when i shouldn't.  I now know, in my heart of souls, that it isn't true,  not after all i've experienced with Matt.  I feel with every fiber of my being, he is it.  Maybe we're not to be, but that's ok.  This is something i just KNOW, i don't know why or how i know, i just do.
Then there is my heart and mind.  My heart is similar to my soul,  but it's not as sure about everything, because my mind likes to war with it.  My mind says pack it up, give it up, stop this hurting and loving and just get on with your life.  This is normally what i'd do.  But for the first time, my heart is winning that battle.  It opened itself and let a little piece of him inside and it intends to keep him there.  My body, my life, my soul feels complete with him there.  My heart wants him, my mind wants to push him away, and my soul needs him.  Or so i feel.

Now with that being said, how can i answer him honestly, in regards to my wants and needs.  I don't need him in my life, not to survive, but maybe to be  "truly happy" he wants me to have.  I want him to be part of my life, i want to never let go, i want to laugh and cry and share everything and anything with this man.  How do i answer him and tell him what i want, where it doesn't include him?  I don't think its possible.   Maybe i just have to say, i don't need you in my life, but i want you more then life itself.  I have more time to think this through,  i don't see a big heart to heart for another 2 weeks or so.

I need to be happy, i want to be happy.  I don't expect it overnight,  but i know it will come, regardless of with him or without him.  But right now, at this very moment, i choose to believe with him,  and at this point in time, this one single moment, my mind, my heart and my soul, are in perfect agreement.
    Posted by swordmaiden on 2007-12-16 13:24:36 | Rating: | Views: 100
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swordmaiden
Ontario, Canada

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