Well, the work 2 weeks have begun. I'm off tomorrow, because J felt sorry i wasn't gonna have a day off for 2 weeks, so she said don't bother coming in tues.
There's alot of storms around here lately, so it might end up being longer then 2 weeks. We shall see.
Life is... racing by, but when i stop to think about things too much, it inches along. Only 10 days til either he'll be here or not. We haven't really spoken in about a week, and I just don't know what to do with myself. I don't know whats coming, i fear the unknown. We have issues that need to be talked about, but well hard to do when he won't talk to me. I'm doing better then i expected though. I wish i wasn't so impatient.
I want to scream and yell and tear out my hair and just vent as best as i can, i want to cry so many tears so i'll never have to do it again. I want to throw myself off the mountain and just feel like i can fly. That anything is possible.
I'm frustrated, i'm confused, but i'm getting there! A big part of everything is my feelings, not so much the lack of, because there is NOT a lack of, but the lack of showing. This i have come to understand and realize showing them can be a good thing. And i know what i'm going to do about it. Just a point of having the time off, or a few hours free to do it. Wait back up a step, just rereading what i wrote, showing my feelings can be a good thing, while true, it should be, IS a good thing, not can be. But anyways, i know what i'll be getting myself for christmas. A tattoo, a heart, on my arm "wearing my heart on my sleeve". Corny, but i think its something i need, need to do? Its been a big thought on my mind lately. I know myself, i know i get myself in a funk when things don't turn out as i plan. Now sure, i'm gonna be heartbroken if things don't turn out, but i don't wanna go back to how i was. I don't wanna close myself off from getting hurt again. Its what i needed to do then, maybe i held onto it for too long, i know i did, and i have to stop that. Sometimes we need a reminder, and something i can just look down and see, well can't get any more in your face then that. If things do work out, i would still want it, to show how far i've come, to keep myself in a good place. Its for me to never forget what i was, and to show me that life goes on, and i can learn from past mistakes.
Been looking at hundreds of pictures and i almost have it nailed down to what i want. Now to perfect it as best i can. This is something i feel very strongly about. I've thought about other tattoos throughout the years, and i know one other i want, but it has to be someone who is good with portraits, i have one fav pic of my daughter, at about 2, the mood and spirit is just perfect, but i need to find someone who can capture that.
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