I have 3 days off before i start a regular work week grind. So far i'm enjoying my days off, as its always nice to have an extended weekend.  

I was chatting with my g/f last night, she was telling me i'm vulernable right now and to take things slow. Its nice she cares, and i agree with her to a point, but i guess i figure life is for the living, and i am living, so i must seize the day!
I've done alot of talking, and thinking and working through some issues i've had.  I'm at a such a good place, that it surprises myself.  These last few months have been far from easy,  yet i don't really think i would change a thing.  I've grown so much as a person, to understand myself, my wants, needs, my feelings and how  i was before, it was all worth it.  Crappy way to get there, mind you, but it was so totally worth it to me. 

I've come to accept some things that i can't change.  Where as i ignored them at first, now i embrace them.  Like my diabetes.  It was such a blow, not because of itself, but for what it meant, or what i thought it meant for me. My doc told me in the most simplest terms, if you want a baby, now is the time.  He'd never tell me one way or the other not to have one, but the best time would be now, would be asap.  And coming to want another as i have the last few years,  well that just was a blow i wasn't expecting.  I smoke, I'm a tad overweight, and i have diabetes, not a good combo i hear.  But i've learned to embrace and accept what i can't change.  I have it , its here to stay, but i forgot that "I" had the power to decide what goes in my life.  I've since lost 30-35 pounds, with about 30 more to go.  Its a start, i've taken control.  Sugar is for the most part gone from my life, with an occasion chocolate, and i don't really miss it.  I accepted that for now, i'll be taking some pills to help my body adjust.  I always looked at the pills as  the end, as i'm getting old,  it was just a bad thought. I'm 20 years younger then my parents were when they found out they had it, that didn't bode well to me.  But it doesn't have to be a bad thing. These past few months have woken me up to that.  Its not the end, not even close. Its the start of something, and a great something because i know what i want now, and i'm prepared to do whatever it takes to get it, to get there. 
To have what i want, which in itself is so many things,  i have to be able to give out what i want to receive.  I was never able to do that, now i think i'm finally ready.  And that brings me more happiness then anything.

It might take forever, or it might fall into my lap when i least expect it.  I'm now keeping an eye out, but still allowing myself the time to just breath and enjoy life,  i'm not actively looking yet.

Last night was weird for me, in a great, happy, strange, compelling way.  I reconnected with someone i've lost touch with.  It was just a friendly  night of laughing and sharing and other stuff.  At times things were a bit surprising to say the least, i got a shock or 2 along the way.  But i just allowed myself to go with it,  it was refreshing.  If i felt like saying something, i did.  I didn't hold back on anything and it was a great feeling.  I let myself be me, with no barriers, with no worries.  I allowed my heart to smile and be happy, just for the sake of being happy.  There were a few moments that made me go Hmmm, when talking got to be a bit sexual, because i've kinda turned that part off for the last few months. I still have those feelings, i just haven't wanted to deal with them, to feel them?  because it felt like betrayal i guess. Maybe they'd make me feel guilty because i'd think of him, or because i wouldn't and think about someone else.  But just talking about stuff didn't bother me, it was rather freeing in a way.  So me being me, had to do some flirting then, that was part of the weirdnessas it been years since i did that!   But overall it simply nice.  To let someone know i thought they were attractive (thought it was already known as I made NO secret of it-he didn't know though) and finding out he felt i was attractive as well.  Its nice to simply feel good.  Maybe i needed it, maybe he did.  I shared alot more then i thought i could, because i'm shy, insecure, til i feel they are trustworthy.   I laughed so much my sides were hurting!  Thank you to him. I hope he knows how i appreciated our time together.  I hope for more, it was just that... nice.  It was also nice to bring a little happiness to someone else, as i know he enjoyed it as well.  Amazing what just some talking and laughing can do to ones spirit :)

Today will bring what?  I don't know but i look forward to it, maybe i'll do something i've never done before, the day is mine to seize!  Or maybe i'll do nothing and just laugh and chat with the kid,  we shall see!