Yeah so after a bit of disbelief, and 4 tests later, each one having a positive result, it would in fact seem i am expecting.   I've made the doc's appt for may 30th to confirm it, and to also talk over my options when it comes to my medications.   

I'm not sure it has completely sunk in yet, but after 4 tests, i'm alot closer to believing it.   15 years of on and off trying,  and just over a month with this guy and it happens, well, its a bit to take in at once.  I'm totally estatic about it, and the fact that he seems to be truly happy with it as well is just icing on the cake.   I'm terrified at the same time though, just because of my meds and whats going to happen with that, and what any side effects of it can be, from when i had stopped taking them.  But one day at a time and hope for the best.   I find it truly amazing that i am, but also about who the daddy is.    When i seriously started thinking about doing this, and doing it alone, he was the first person to pop into my head in regards to asking for a donation.   He's been a friend for so long.  He's someone i can talk to about anything and everything.   I don't know if i'd say we're exactly close, but there has always been something there,  we've never lost touch even when he was hundreds of miles away.

I guess i'm still in a bit of shock, because deep down, i never really thought it was going to happen, or even be possible.  When you hope for something so much over the years and that hope is dashed, over and over again, you tend to give up on it, even when you think your still hoping for it.

Maybe i don't want to hope too much,  just because i'm expecting now, doesn't mean i will be in a month or 2 or 3.  I think that possibility scares me the most.  To be so close to having what i've thought about for so many years, only to have it torn away.  I think if anything will/would totally crush me, it would be this.  

I have so many thoughts in my head,  so many plans and happy thoughts.   The thought of shopping in the baby aisles is so exciting, when i've always teared up as i walked by them in the past....    I guess we'll see what time will bring me/him/us.