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Key Largo

We docked in Miami around 7:30am and caught a cab to the airport. This was the first time I had noticed just how mental the driving is. There appears to be no lane system or any kind of speed limit, so cars just overtake, undertake and generally just do whatever the hell they can to get round you in the quickest time possible. This made me instantly nervous as i`m not much of a lane changer. I like to pick a lane and stay there for as long as I possible, even when this requires missing an exit. After beating the world land speed record in our taxi, the cab driver dumped us at Miami Airport to pick up our car. We wound up with another Chrysler Sebring, but thankfully, this time it had brakes. The car is diamond white and not exactly subtle. I fear this will mean that police scanners pick it up quicker. Best watch my speed, then. We had been looking forward to getting off the ship and docking ourselves on dry land in the Keys for a few days. However, what I haven`t told you is that I booked us tickets on a local tour before we left Scotland. Not only did I book us a tour, but I booked us a tour on a boat. It had seemed like a good idea at the time.

Will set Susan the SatNav woman and we started the 10 mile journey to Dolphin Mall in Miami to do a spot of shopping before heading south on US1. We quickly realised that our route consisted of sitting in the far right in a five lane highway and then being asked to turn left 3 yards later. We got lost as it was pretty impossible to get across so many lanes of traffic in less than 10 seconds. Finally picking up the right trail, we headed out of the downtown area and towards the mall. After 10 miles, Susan announced that we had reached our destination. Unfortunately, we appeared to be in what can only be described as Miami`s answer to Compton. It was more than a little scary and we needed to find somewhere public to reset the system and find our way out. I pulled into a restaurant and parked the car. On straightening the car and stopping, we realised that the parking space was reserved `for Latinos only`. Normally, I would have just sat there for the two minutes it would take to reset the SatNav, but given my surroundings, I thought better of it. I quickly reversed leaving a trail of gravel behind and attempted to pull into a space a few to the left. Unfortunately for us, all the spaces were labelled for Latinos and it would appear that white people were not overly welcome. Not wishing for someone to pop a cap in my ass, we made a hasty exit.

It turned out that we were nowhere near the mall and it was actually located all the way back through the rush hour traffic I’d just navigated. I’d like to point out at this stage that when I take a wrong turn, I have gotten us lost. When Will wrongly sets the SatNav, it’s classed as a technological failure. It’s just an unfortunate happening that his mistakes come with the possibility of us being shot.

We eventually made it to the mall. I bought shoes, it was good. Departing our quick stop shopping trip, we got on to the US1 and made the 90 minutes drive to Key Largo. It was largely uneventful.

On arrival, we checked in to the hotel, dumped our stuff and made our way down to the pool. It was 85 degrees and the sky was totally clear. After a quick dip, Will went for a lie down (still not feeling too good) and I decided to do a bit of exploring. I wandered round the marina to have a look at the African Queen. This is the boat from the Bogart movie of the same name and is permanently docked in the marina. The marina is full of boats and yachts all of varying sizes. I was checking out their names and where they were from. Most of them were local to Florida, but there were a few from further afield, such as Missouri, New York and Michigan. As I walked round, I began to pick up on the fact that many of the boats were called things like Wandrin Star 11, Reely Good 11, Sabbatical 11, etc I began to wonder what the hell had happened to Wandrin Star 1. I always thought if you had a boat, you’d have it for life. Maybe the sailors here weren’t very good. I finished my tour of the marina and made my way back to the hotel. On the way, the glass bottomed boat that I’d booked a trip on passed me along the water. It looked gorgeous and I followed it round to the dock outside the hotel. It wasn’t until I got closer that I realised it was called Key Largo Princess. Not only that, but Key Largo Princess 11. Oh lord, what had I done? Maybe the whole point of the tour is to take guests to the sunken wreck of the Key Largo Princess and show you what happens when you drink too many Key Lime cocktails when you`re sailing. Will, who still couldn`t walk in a straight line since getting off the Carnival Victory, would surely be over the moon when I told him. Maybe I would just keep my observations to myself and hope he would think Key Largo Princess was just a popular name for a boat.