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The mind is such a beautiful tool. It can harness everything that you are as a character. It reminds you what to do in a day. It tells you how to move, when to move. It is capable of changing and developing. It controls your heartbeat and breathing. It holds all of your memories better than a scrapbook because it has the smells, tastes, and sensations stored, not just the images.
What I think gets to me the most is the memories. Why do you remember some so clearly, while others are somewhat fuzzy? What makes your brain tag them as important? What makes you associate certain objects with certain memories? Why must you remember?
I bring this up under the same topic most of my posts are about, the search for love and human affection. I think I'm over my first love (no easy feat) but I still reminisce over the pleasant times we had together. I believe I"m over him because it doesn't make me angry to think of him anymore. I can visit the memories for fun now, not out of torture.
The memories that stick out most prominantly right now are from when we spent a week in Oregon together. I can remember basically every moment of the trip. From rummaging through my bag for my camera, to what was said in the car, to what I ate, to what the grass felt like while we watched an open air show, to what it felt like to cry in the airport because it was one of the last times I was going to see him. And this was a year and a half ago. Do I want to find someone to replace him? No, I don't want someone like him. But there are aspects that I remember that I do want to keep.
The favorite memories are: when he brought me breakfast in bed, when he woke me from afternoon naps, sleeping on the couch with him, going to the park, studying while he practiced, sitting near him river-rafting, making out in the bathroom, eating all of our meals together, running together.
Then thoughts I would like to avoid come up to remind me why we are separate, even though I already know. Maybe to remind me also, what I should avoid. The two/three only fights we had. They really describe why we aren't together and are closely related to the things I want to avoid.
The first fight was when I wanted to see a movie with him. My mom could take him, my brother, and I all to the theater, but all at once for different movies. My brother's movie was half-an-hour before ours. He told me that it was a waste of time to sit in the theater, it was better spent practicing. We ended up not going to the movie because I didn't want to see him. I was very sensitive to the fact that he would rather practice his damn instrument then spend 30 min just talking to me. It is no exaggeration to say that he practiced 6+ (8 eventually) hours a day. He saw me maybe an hour a day at school, and maybe two or three on a weekend. I was very hurt, and told him that I needed to calm down. But his practicing still pervaded much of our time together. He practiced while I was at his house. I am certain that he thought of practicing while we were intimate together. And he talked about it all the time.
Second fight was while I was on vacation with friends. I called to check up on him and say good night when he told me that he and his mom had been talking about me. "Only good things, I hope" I said. He in turn stuttered, and kinda fished for words. They had been talking about how my vacation money could have been used to provide basic necessities for children in third world countries. I was floored. I cried on my vacation. How horrible is that. I felt angry that he could say such a thing, and guilty that it was true. I am not an extravagent person. I save my money when I can, and I donate to charity often. My clothes are mostly bought second-hand, I do not purchase large items, I rarely go to shows. My vacation was my extravagent purchase of the year, and it was less than $800 (I know it's still a lot, but I saved for it).
The last fight wasn't really a fight, but more of an ongoing issue. He was jealous of the relationship I had with my guy friend (who later became ex #2). I don't understand his jealousy. He was better looking, more talented, more admired, I loved him better, I called him more, he had a better prospective future, I was dating him, and he was just generally more sucessful at life. (Now I'd have to say that both of them are struggling in the game of life, mostly because of large insecurities, and huge egos.) He would accuse me of liking the other guy which was false at the time. I only liked him after bf 1 left the city and we had "broken up". This issue of tension with the two boys is probably why I cannot talk to ex 1. He thinks I betrayed him. Oh well, I'll find better, I'm sure.
But I wonder what these memories serve to me. Why must I carry them? Do they help me in any way? Do they make me a better person? Or do I just carry them to enjoy in my head like a mini-drama series? (My friends thought I was a soap opera for a while... )
Anyways, I'll just chill out and go to bed... peace ^_^v
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Posted by sushi910 on 2008-01-29 02:02:33 | Rating: | Views: 65
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I've always looked at the good times as reminders that life is worth living and the bad times are lessons that I have learned. Otherwise I don't think it's very healthy to dwell too long in the past.
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Posted by Pauligan
on 2008-01-30 03:50:35
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