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my first sign of growing up

Ive had my first real sign that ive grown up.

i dont mean the usual thing, of ooo im a few inches taller or where in an arguement you take the high road, or your first kiss... this is different.

this a change i can feel in my mood in my reactions.

Ill explain a little.

I was never the cool girl at school, i was made fun of and then i became one of the nice girls, popular but only in the sense that no one disliked me. dont get me wrong this was a nice position to be in, certainly a step up from the bullying but it still left me awkward. Awkward when the cool, thin, pretty girls talked to me, awkward when some one older talked to me, awkward when i said anything out loud, cos i just thought "oh shoot, have i blown it?"

Now ive not become one of the cool girls now, im still in the nobody disliking me category but what has happened is the awkwardness has gone, and im beginning to see people for what they are. Im not sure when it happened i was still awkward when i began uni im not sure when it left.

Thing is no one else would have described me as awkward but inside i felt it, im sure you all know what i mean but i cant really describe, that insecure feeling thats just there when you arent really sure why.

But it has definately now gone.

I first noticed the other day when i wsas on the bus, that doubles up as the school bus for my old school. i was sat there watching all these kids bustle their way onto the bus in the riot like way that has always been tradition and suddenly i spotted myself. or at least the equivelant of me. A very yound me, probably just after the bullying and just before meeting my best friend that secured my nice girl position.

And i thought to myself, I wish she knew what i know now.

Now there is a cliche for you and i didnt think i would be so young when i had that thought, but i did. And it made me think about all the people ive met this year, and i suddenly realised alot of the people on my course that did make me feel awkward at the beginning of the year and that dont anymore were simply the kids at cool that hadnt been in the cool group at school compensating now they were some where new.

Alot of people as we grow up say Oh that doesnt bother me anymore, when actually it still does. but ive never thought about that it had just stop being awkward for me, like the knot in my belly had been untied.

This has become rambly but its just some thing i wanted to muse on, i have no idea why this has happened i guess i just started to see things for how they really are, and im sure i will feel awkward around people again in the future, but now i know that once you get used to a certain situation you can overcome it.

So the whole point of this unneccessairily long blog (wow check that out for terrible spelling is this,

Dear girl who sat next to me on the bus,

You are myself 6 years ago, you probably didnt think that when you saw me in fact you were visibly intimidated my me, but its true, i was you and one day you will be me.

You will get to walk down your bus and see the cool girls in their school uniforms and they will scramble out of your way and whisper about how much they liked your hair.

You will go to uni and find a true group of friends probably 2 or 3 different groups, and when you come back to your saturday job for summer, the job thats probably not exactly a cool, or fancy place to work, the boys from when you were 12 will come in, theyll think you are the same person you are now, they will probably mock you, and think they are all so intimidating and that you really fancy them.

But you dont, youll be polite you wont rise to their jokes, and you wont even care, cos they are still the person they were when they were 12, you arent . you are me, thats whats important not what they think. oh and just so you know, he grows up to have a really funny shaped head.

hey, you may have grown up but the little girl inside you still needs some comforting every now and then x

Posted by summerllilly on 2009-07-03 19:11:54 | Rating: