really!!! why can't i get it right? Nothing i do will make tis better. Maybe i really should do it. It will make everyone's life so much easier, because they wont have to worry about me messing up everything and ruining theris lives anymore. I wonder if i did who would be sad, i wonder if anyone would be happy. Many  know would really just be indifferent thinking nothing of the pain that i'd caused caused myself and so many others, the pain that drove me to do it. Once i used to believe that my pain was something my mom caused and in a way i still do. But not in the same way as when i was little. When i was little the pain she caused often was to much for me to handle, and it really messed me up, in in way's that really havent been helpful to my life. But then i was often too young to really understand what was going on. Now i do and i hear the things she hides between implications and they hurt the most, not because its horrible, but because it's true. Its really all things that i do to myself that hurt me. Not like cutting or anything, i'm not emo like that. i mean everytime i mess up and they see it all the anger, the hate cuts me up, and i know it's all my fault. I'm the reason they feel this way. even worse, i cant remember the good times, only the bad. This is what makes me wonder. Why do i even bother anymore? it's not like i've been able to change anything. And i've tried many times, i just cant figure it out. seriously though it makes me wonder.