Thoughts.com Blogs - what has become of my life??

i sit here and wonder what has become of my life.. a long time ago my drinking binges would come and go in spells.. then for over a year, i drank liquor almost everynight, unless i ran out then i would get more in a few days... well i havent had any liqour in a few weeks, but i have been drinking beer and some nights lots of it... since a day or so before new years up until now, i have been at the bar everynight (except for 2 that i had a date and 1 that i was working) usually when i go, i find someone to talk to, but tonight there was not really any face i recognized.. tonights the first night this year that i have been that i actually did not stay until after they closed.. before, when i was drinking my liqour, i would stay home right here in front of the computer until i passed out.. which i was fine with that.. but now, i dont know.. last week i thought i met a guy i liked, but i have not heard from him since sunday.. i have sent 3 messages since then... thinking about sending one more tomorrow telling him that im not sure what is going on but if he would like to see me again he needs to say something and if he doesnt then he needs to say something...
i started out this year being depressed and then it seemed to get better, but now i think it is going back into depression.. i know i am overweight, but it seems like nothing works.. who knows, if i quit drinking that might work, but it seems to be the only thing that will get me through the night...
i have decided that i am tired of being alone, plus the fact i want one more child, and i am about getting too old for that.. but i am afraid to meet face to face with anyone i have met online, i try but it makes me sick to my stomach to think about it.. there isnt really anywhere else to meet anyone in this town... it seems even if i do meet someone the only thing they want is sex, and for me, i have to care about a person before i do that... i dunno, maybe something is wrong with me.. who really knows...
i try to be a good person.. i devote my life to helping others.. i dont curse much.. usually only when i am drinking heavily... i dont get mad often, and if i do, you really can tell... i am not clingy, but am kind of distant... i dunno.. maybe if i became a whore then i could have some type of relationship.... NOT!!! i just dont see myself doing that.. i dunno... something has to change.. i am tired of drinking and i am finally tired of being alone.. i want someone to love me for once.... someone i can love... in my opinion, if there was someone in my life who loved me and i loved them, i would stop this drinking.. i would be content... and maybe even truely happy for once... well i guess im gonna watch me a netflix movie and go to sleep... night all...

peace out