ok so this is my first blog here.. i am unsure of what to write since i wrote alot in the about me page... lol... i knew for a long time that there were blogging sites out there, i just never went to them, and if i wanted to blog i would use myspace... but when you want to let your frustrations out, you really cant do it there since some of the people who read it, it might have something to do with them... or might not, but they think it does because they want it to, or they dont want it to... you know what i mean... i dont really care if i get a "following" here.... i just want to go somewhere that "nobody knows my name" its not printed anywhere is it?? i better go check that out...
plus when you have been drinking and post an oh so whiny blog, do you really want your friends to read it?? i think not.. unless of course you are reaching out to them...
this is also easier than writing... i try to keep a journal, but since i have not written in so long, it starts to make my hand cramp... and then it just makes me want to stop...
most people tend to think i am a happy person, which usually i am... but inside i am not... i dont know what has happened... when i was in high school, i would talk to anyone... now i dont speak unless spoken to... i try to be an active member in my volunteer fire department, but most of our calls tend to be when i am at work... i work 2 jobs, one as a waitress which i have had for almost 6 years and i also work for an ambulance company as an emt.... the people i work with in the resturant, i talk to just fine.. but the ones at my new job.. i am at loss for words... i dunno i guess i just feel that they have better things to do than listen to me... some tease me for being to quiet... i have been there for several months, but when i started to open up, i got caught in the middle of all this he said she said bs... then i wrote in a diary type thing about it, and left it in my laptop bag while i was at work... since i have done that, the stuff has stopped.. which makes me wonder if someone read it and maybe done something about it, or if it was all a coincidence.... the world may never know.. lol
but besides all the he said she said, the thing i am facing now is realizing that i am getting old... well not really but getting to old to have another child... when i was younger i always thought my children would be about 2 or 3 years apart... well my son is now 10 and there is no clear outlook on him being a big brother... i would like to find someone to settle down with and have at least 1 more child of my own... but i just cannot seem to find the right guy... maybe it is something wrong with me.. i dunno... my last long relationship ended because he would not go anywhere with me or even touch me... he tried to make it right but by then i figured if it went that way several times, it would still go that way.... i always find something wrong with everyone i date... i am begining to believe that it is not them, but me... maybe i just havent found the right one.. who knows.... if a guy is not wearing a band, i may get a crush easily, but sometimes it goes away just as fast... i am afraid to meet anyone i met online.. and i dont know why.. i used to meet people that i met online, but i found them all to be weird (from the guy that says spank me, the guy that takes me to meet his family on the 2nd date, the guy that looks at my friend and says "shes mine", the guy that says he plays bball for the college he attends, but does not, etc you get my point) or, the one i actually liked, but he thought i was weird... i have just felt a little uncomfortable after all that...
but who knows maybe one day..... i am on a free perosnals site, but still afraid to meet anyone... this one guy i talk to, is 97% compatable with me... we are supposed to meet tomorrow night, but i am still a little scared... i used to tell anyone that got anxious about me meeting someone online that it was no worse than meeting someone in a bar and then going out with them.... but now its like i would rather meet them face to face than in person...
well anyways.. i feel as if i have typed enough for tonight, with this being my first night on here... i do not know when i will type more.. it may be tomorrow, it may be in a month or may even be never.. (i might not find my way back) but at least i hope i have found a place where i can rant and rave but noone i know will see.... lol... anyways.. all have a great week...

peace out
ME

PS.. I DONE A SPELL CHECK AND IT FOUND NO MISPELLINGS.. YAY ME!!!