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well i am sitting here and realizing things about myself.. i answer questions on yahoo answers... some of which could really be me asking them, and i give advice, but wont take my own... i have realized that i cancel plans with people i have not met because i am afraid of the way i look.. about 10 years ago, i weighed 108, now i am around 200.. i feel fat, i hate myself, and i dont know what to do.. i am a closet drunk.. in other words, since i dont leave the house i sit here and drink, i dont really drink in public, my drinking has not caused a strain in my family life or work life but still.... i push people away from me... i want to get married and have more children, but i feel as if i am too fat to make anyone happy... i will start to like someone but decide not to find out if they like me because i know they wont... even though if they are like me, they dont care what a person looks like, just how they are inside.... sometimes i wish i could make myself have an eating disorder, but i do not like throwing up food... liquids is ok.,. but i hate to throw up food, so that is out of the question.. i tried doing the discovery health 8 week challenge, but the food they want you to eat, i have never heard of it, and dont have the cash flow to buy it... lipo doesnt work, it makes you look funny...
but on another hand, i am afraid to express myself around the people i have started working with.. i dont know why... but i do.. maybe i have become shy... i dunno.. i used to be really outgoing, and the other place i worked i would say whatever and not care... i am starting to feel a little more at ease with this new job though...
well i am tired of being depressed at the moment so maybe i will be happier another day.. stay safe this holiday season!!!!
peace out |
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