Ok, so to be honest, do you even know what it's like to cut? I only just started in November [[full story to be posted soon]], but Already, it's captured me. Last night, I cut. With what? My amature little broken razor blade. you know, like the kind most people use to shave their legs with.
At first, I was only going to cut and go to bed. I only do small cuts, maybe 3/4 of an inch long, they're easier to hide that way, and I can't let people find out, it'll land me in a psych ward pumped full of meds. And guess what? I wasn't even particularly upset, I just wanted that feeling, of the blade breaking my skin, I wanted to watch the blood ooze out in crimson drops of satisfaction. The pain is like a sleeping drug for me.
So I cut, a fresh line for my wrist of hate and sadness. And then I wiped up the blood nice and neat and slapped a band aid on it, again to keep it from getting on my bed where my nana could easily notice it. I put on some music, and prepared to shove myself into sleep, knowing it could take hours with my mind racing all over the place.
But then within 10 or 15 minutes, the pain was gone, that teensy little cut was dong nothing for me anymore. So I pulled off my band aid and grabbed my razor again, conveniently slipped in my journal for safe keeping. I cut an even deeper 3/4 inch line next to the other one. Blood flowed nicely, and I felt like I was finally getting somewhere. I kept a tissue under the drippage and let it bleed for a minute or two, then put a band aid tightly over the cut to trap the still free flowing blood.
I put my tissue and blade away inside my journal and tried to sleep again. I finally did, and the burning little place where I'd slit my wrist comforted me.
And it's not as much as a ton of cutters, but it's the same thing, in a smaller dose. So that's the truth about cutting, for me anyway.
One last thing, don't assume that if you just shelter a cutter from bad things and sugar coat everything, and getting everyone else to do the same, that it'll stop, that the bad stuff wont be happening becuase you arent letting it happen, because guess what? Sometimes its just the endorphins, and sometimes it is emotional trouble. And sometimes we just dont want to be happy, so we remind ourselves of the bad and use that to cut.
Trust me, to know what it's like, you have to live it, and don't say it's stupid, because it's not. I love it, and I nver want to stop.
Thanks for reading.
Posted by strandedxalone on 2008-02-14 17:10:17 | Rating: n/a | Views: 139
I know what your talking about, cutting isn't bad..I mean It's not right, but its more than what most people see it as. It's a way to feel, to deal, to live on when you really dont want to. Personally I always used the tops of hands, because as you said we dont always cut when we're sad. The ones I do on my wrist are more dangerous and rare, so I try no to cut on it. Take care and if need some one talk to just ask, trust me I know how you feel.
As i read your blog, i can't help but wonder...why r u cutting urself?as u said its normal for u.but its not for me.why?bcoz our body is sacred and is owned by God.we dont owned this.so we should take good care of it.remember, AIDS is just around the corner.you might regret doing it if u already contracted the deadly disease. Life is beautiful so LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST!!! NOT BY CUTTING!!! GODBLESS!!!
yeah sure but the scars can be embarassing if they show. and they don't go away. i guess if it's not very deep then the only real worry is that people see the open wounds all over you and maybe infection. As a girl I hate people to see my scars. You just need a change. cutting doesn't fix anything, even if you do think it feels good.
I can't agree with you more when you said you don't know what its like unless you've lived it. I have been there/still go there. sometimes i don't even understand why i do it myself. And sometimes I feel like its not even me really doing it. And it is an instant release. I don't know, but if you havent been there, you really don't understand.
