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It's a full moon tonight.
The days have been hot, and the nights have been nice and cool.
Right now would be the perfect time to go for a walk...if I had someone to walk with.
But before you dub this another emo rant about not having friends, think again.
I guess you could call this a tribute to all those spontaneous moments in my life. To all the people who have grabbed me by the hand and said, "fuck it, let's go do something fun!" A tribute to the dying spirit that burns inside me, screaming at me to do something spontaneous, on a whim, risky, and even dangerous.
The full moon triggered these feelings inside of me. It used to be, on nights like this, I would grab someone, anyone, and just head outdoors. Walk a few blocks, or not walk at all, and sit somewhere on the ground (heck even LIE DOWN) and stare at the stars. Conversations by moonlight, the whispering of secrets under the velvety shield of the night sky...things that vanish in the morning. There was just something about the night that always made everyone softer, easier to talk to and more open to unwinding the threads of their lives to share with friends. The gentle strumming of a guitar in the background...my friends and I lying on a blanket spread on top of cold pavement, the city lights glittering at our feet and the stars holding us from above. We lie still, listening to our soft exhales playing into the melodies of the wind. 3 AM...and no one wants to go home. Trapped there on top of the mountain, in a sandwich between the city below us and the infinite sky above--we are young. Life is still a long journey ahead of us.
Now I'm here, halfway through college and feeling old already. I turn left and right, searching for someone to smile and run with me into the night, our only light the ever-loving moon. To my dismay, I am just as busy as everyone else...but everyone else would rather study/finish hw then drop everything and disappear for a little while. Am I the only one out here that feels this burning urge to break free every once in a while? To live and breathe the fresh air of being young? To forget for a few moments that there are errands to be run, papers to be written, tests to worry about? We are still college students! We've graduated from the confines of a family life, we're living on our own for the first time in our lives, with no responsibilities except to graduate! There are no taxes to worry about, no offspring to feed, no struggles with an overbearing boss and no retirement breathing down our necks! (Of course, I'm speaking for the general college student. I understand some of you might have a harder time.)
Point is, with each full moon night like this, (such a perfect night to forget all life's stresses for a while), I realize that gradually my days of running free are coming to an end. No longer can I turn to anyone and pick up a buddy to celebrate these nights with. I am in a different sphere now, where everyone has something else to do. People are sorting out their priorities...and running around under the moonlight is just not one of them. We are all growing and maturing into the responsible independents who will graduate and go on to bigger, more important things. These nights are not fading away, but the flames inside me are. I feel alone in this endeavour to grab hold of a receding space in time -- a time where there are no such things as responsibilities...at least for the next few minutes.
Now here I can beg myself to clamp onto these moments and squeeze out what time I have left, or I can gently let them go with the cool night breeze. Is my time up? Are we all really that busy? Or has the fear of what we must return to gotten the better of us?
I don't know. I just wish I had spent tonight walking through the sculpture garden. |
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Posted by stephybum on 2008-05-20 03:50:19 | Rating: | Views: 94
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