i cant believe what i did last night. that is not going to get out to anyone. i was such an idiot to do that to myself... though i guess all i wrote yesterday is true. i just dont feel quite that way anymore. probably cause i got some excercise. :p

today was interesting. well, i suppose i had to expect that considering i stayed up till five last night. i woke up at about four i think. my mother was sick... she had some beer last night (not even a whole bottle, the reason shes not supposed to have it actually is because she cant digest wheat products) and her chiropractor did something strange to her. hes a bit more than a chiropractor actually. he does all this body adjustment stuff. but anyways, i got up at 4, she was sick in bed (having gotten up and gone back to bed, my brother as well, from work) and so i went and had "breakfast" and made everyone some tea. after breakfast i had some cookies and flat soda... prolly not a great idea.

i did pretty much nothing for the rest of the day. i had dinner, probably the height of the days drearyness. i had talked to girlfriend somewhat... but we where both feeling dreary so it wasnt very fun. then i went and walked the dog. its a very interesting night tonight, ill tell you that. theres fog. and no wind whatsoever. whenever i breathed out, my breath would float in the air and stay there for a while. i went east, across a semi large street that i normally dont go towards. i went 3 blocks east after it, then went about 3 blocks north. i kind of went northwest at some point from there, going through alleyways and such. there is one of those strange blocks around that area that is mostly just for a school, and it has an alleyway going only half of the way through it, it turns into a parking lot. theres one of those by my dads house as well, but i never knew about this one. theres about 4 buildings, all with little alleyways in between. one of the buildings is a church, one of those modern architecture ones. despite being made of concrete, its a very impressive building. not one of those crappy modern ones, though it came off that way to me at first. i think it has kind of a huge cylinder built on top of the first layer, which is just a rectangle, and then the steeple comes out of one side, a bit offset, very tall and also cylindrical but skinny. the cross on top is made of stainless steel, but its not plain. it has a strange curve type thing on the back, i suppose holding it up, and the top of the concrete part of the steeple also has a kind of swirling up curve to it, rather than just flat. i walked the dog around the buildings, and we walked on a kind of high wall for a while. when we got to the end, i jumped over the railing and to the round, it was only 4 or so feet. however, the dog had some difficulty. first i had to get her to kind of crawl under the railing, then i lifted her down, because i was a bit afraid of her jumping. i dont know if she kind of didnt like me for that... oh well.

near the beginning of my walk, there was this tree.  it had a medium thick trunk, not too big for me to climb, but it was very VERY high before there were any branches. and its not like the trunk was the right size for me to climb like that... it would still be pretty hard. regardless of the fact that i was supposed to be walking her, i tied the dog to a nearby lampost and started climbing the tree. it was very challenging. i liked it a lot. then i got about six feet up and thought, hmm. ive got about a dozen more feet to go. it really wouldnt be good if i fell from that high. and i have no idea how id be getting down. so i jumped off and resolved to climb it some other day.

i really need to get some rope for my tree climbing.  im thinking of having just a loop on one end, so i can make that loop knot thing around a branch, and then have another smaller rope attached to a certain place on the knot so i can pull it free. 

anyways, after my walk i came home and was in a much less dreary mood. i started texting with girlfriend, installing strange audio software on my laptop here, and messing with a software drum machine and audacity. i havent produced anything quite yet, but i will. ive been sitting here ever since i got back from my walk, but i havent been doing that the whole time. im kinda tired. and girlfriend seems to have just disappeared from texting with me. :( 

i should prolly go to bed soon. me and her kind of made plans to do something tomorrow, but i need to take a shower and i have a school conference at 4:30.

im feeling a bit better. i s dont know how i was feeling before this, but jeez. i guess i needed to vent... i dont know what on. for some reason i feel the need to cry on someones shoulder lately. even when im happy. i guess i just havent done that in forever, and ive been through a lot lately. 

 i really want my girlfriend. i really need to cuddle... though we should do more than that. i hope we dont end up just getting more sexual tomorrow... ugh. i love that stuff so much, but then i remember that its so inconsistent to whether or not you actually like the person. its making me depressed right now thinking about it. ugh. i need to cry i think. and let go. of a lot. i dont know what it is though. maybe some cuddling will help.

; )