yep

my apologies for the attention seeking title, but thats kind of the way i am lately. its helping though, just talking about it a whole lot. though that may seem strange.

i hope all of this helps too, and maybe anyone telling me she didnt treat me as well as i deserve.

ugh. so it happened wednesday night. over phone text. yeah i know :P. i kind of made her do it though. i guess i gave some kind of subconscious ultimatum... i mean i started it all by saying we had to talk. i knew we had to break up unless something miraculously changed. the only reason i wasnt completely insane at that point was that i was kind of getting used to it. it meaning being insane from her ignoring me since thursday and not really knowing what was going on. i guess it makes more sense now, that she basically told me that she was going through a hard time. but she didnt describe it very well. i though she had some problem where she like couldnt be social at all including with me. what was really happening was her having really bad anxiety stuff and not telling me about it other than "i have anxiety problems" not coming to me and saying "im feeling really shitty". which i wish she did. i still wish she did. cause like today she was crying. and thats not good. and it hurts me a lot. rr. but anyways. the whole break up thing was an interesting conversation. it started with a message by me saying "we have to break up but i really dont want to"
so it was mutual, really. only she didnt get that message, because of how crappy phone stuff is.
on a side note, i kind of feel like telling her something along the lines of "it wasnt just you dumping me" because shes feeling really shitty right now and that might make her feel better? i dont know. i think im going to do it.
anyways. i was kind of confused obviously so when i found out that she didnt get that message instead of sending it again i sent another one just kind of asking how shes feeling and whats going on with her. and if she could even tell me about how shes doing at all or if that was just a no. she asked me to give her a minute. and then somehow i got the second half of the message of her saying that she needs to work through her stuff and its nothing personal to me but she needs to be single. it was strange cause it was the second half. i remember it saying she doesnt want to fuck up her relationships with her problems. which is kind of really sad. cause i now realise its a very good precaution... especially if along with random anxiety attacks she has the problem of not being able to talk to anyone about negative things unless shes in the middle of her own crying thing and breakdown. its so hard to talk to her. otherwise that is. i said i couple things to her today while she was kind of hiding in a corner and it seemed strangely natural. other than the fact that i was unsure if she wanted me to completely shut up and leave. 

 ok. so complete interruption, from my whole story that is, i was just thinking about all of this so much i sent her an email.
i guess i really wanted her to know that she didnt break up with me, and she cant feel bad about it. cause she really sounded like she kind of thought it was her fault and stuff. and thats kind of the story of her life and her problems in general; freaking out from eventual pressure of trying not to bring friends down.
ugh. that makes me so sad.
but. back to this email.
i prolly shouldnt have sent it, hmm.
because for some reason im not getting that feeling when i think of her right now. which is good for me. but i am getting the feeling of shes not doing well and i need to help her.
and weve established that those arent really a good combination, hmm. cause she might just read my email. and it might not help at all, the logic of it. she might just think of me and cry. and she probably just needs lots of time away from me.
but for some reason i just cant let that happen because for some reason i think that will make us never be friends again. and i CANT let that happen. rrrrgh.

anyways. i was going on about some story wasnt i. bleagh. sometimes i want my brain to seperate and finish all of the things it starts. grr
yeah. so on thursday my day was pretty really really horrible. i was feeling bad getting that feeling with her around. and then i went and bothered my friend that i bother. im not sure ive reffered to her before. i think i may have as "f" or something. but anyways i went over to her and said one of the most asshole fuck you not thinking about things ever. god i wish i could think first sometimes.
we were talking about cutting. cause i was kind of mad at her for it. as friends. are. but along with that, i was feeling really kind of horrible about now ex girlfriend and kind of not caring about myself and stuff. kind of how i tend to end up, just reckless especially with my body.
but anyways, i said something along the lines of "i have a reason to do it"
and then she stared at me and her eyes got watery. and i was like oh shit fuck that was really stupid and evil and im sorry. of course i didnt quite say all of that cause i was so freaked out and afraid i had just lost my practically best friend. i was so like "oh fuck" that i got up and kind of ran away.
after that i sat in my advisory for a while. i logged on to a computer to look like i was doing something and i just sat there and dwelled on what i had done and everything and just went with it and felt it throughand didnt move the whole time. and it ended up being about 20 minutes.
i felt. really really really horrible about it. shes one of those friends that you feel like you can say anything to and youre just all whatever. but then i got some really real emotion from her and it was just FUCK FUCK FUCK that was REAALLLY FUCKING STUPID OF ME THIS GIRL DOES HAVE FEELINGS

and as a side note the night before was when me and girlfreind broke up with messed up phone, and it was so fucking confusing that we had decided to talk in the morning. that along with she said just wanted to do it in person and i thought she still had something she wanted to say  to me in person. and we didnt talk that morning. so we were kind of avoiding eyes all the time. and then this other best friend of mine was added to that. and pretty much third best friend that i go to (the other shirt one) was having an anxiety attack. so i felt like i had no body. i seriously spent most of the day in a chair hiding behind a book and not reading because i couldnt read because i felt sooooo fucking horrible about everything.
i really really really wish i could just sob like most people. nope.
ergh. my best friend forgave me i think. but she did so saying that i didnt know what was going on. and i still dont know whats going on. and i do care about her and thats frightening.

so anyways. not sure if i finished story and girlfriend thoughts and stuff. but i feel better and a bit more figured out. i think im done. :P. its really really long isnt it.

night anyone. im gonna go eat something
bleagh.