so. stuff. im supposed to be venting, arent i? thats what i tell myself to do. but what if anyone who reads that finds it repulsive?

and what if... the only thing i like about my girlfriend is the fact that i love to make out with her?

in that instant, thinking about that, i feel sooooo horrible. another one of those urges to drive an awl or something right through my solar plexus.

when i think of her, and not about making out, i think of how she agrees with whatever anyone says. and says "same" whenever someone complains about something. and how everything is "pretty much amazing" to her. 

what if she knows deep down that she does that too much, because she really wants to be liked? and what if i like her enough shell stop someday, and ill get to see "who she really is"?

thats the same fucking thing i told myself last time. and now i hate her.

what if i was more blinded last time, because it was my first time with everything? 

what i know i definitely like about her is the way she acts around me. but- just hearing that "the way she acts around me" seems almost a sure sign that all i like about it is feeling loved.

well. i kind of feel like not caring so much about it. i mean not thinking about it as much. i guess thats a good sign. but shit. im not going to ever let this go. i cant not like her, she likes me too much. and theres nothing i dont like about her thats just part of her personality, its all created from her problems.

shit. thats what i just said i said about my ex.

fuck. cant think anymore. someone give me some truth damnit.