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bleh. i think im going to go to bed after this. i feel
just bleagh.
well. stuff has happened. christmas, yes, happened. i dont really care about that though. it was boring. and i was around family the whole time and no friends.
i have been missing the friends a lot. and its only been one week. i have two off. though i stopped missing them recently, kind of. i think i was really just missing the ex. who was kind of becoming a friend again. which was making me very very happy. too happy for my own good.
the thing was during this time was i had no idea what she wanted. i didnt know if she was ready to be friends again.
i wasnt really bothering her that much, at that point. i sent her a couple of texts in a couple of days. and they were just kind of small talk, not i love you and want you back or anything like that.
i had sent her this email though, a while ago, and i resent it once about a week after i did the first time, because she hadnt responded to it. a couple days ago, i kind of resent it again. this time i added something to it. something along the lines of "we cant become friends again if we dont talk about this stuff". the original email was just a suggestion that we talked about our break up. sort of. because we borke up over phone texting and never actually really talked.
so i resent her this email for the third time just a couple days ago. pretty much right after that i saw her come online. i didnt say anything to her. but she was on for about an hour. looking back on it, my heart rate was kind of going crazy. for the whole time she was on that is. i kept trying to calm myself down, listening to sigur ros and drawing. but she just signed off at some point, and she hadnt responded.
up to this point, everything seemed like it was going fine to me. everything was going fine. she had had enough time away from me, and pretty soon we could talk about what happened with us, and maybe be alright friends. i was really insanely scared, though, that i was just bothering the hell out of her, and that she really didnt want to talk to me, and that she hated me.
everyone, of course, told me that this couldnt possibly be the truth. its ridiculous.
nat told me to just call her and talk to her. and that she couldnt just blatantly hate me.
i talked to my best friend about it, like several times, because i still couldnt be assured that she didnt hate me. and she (my best friend) told me that this conversation was going in circles. because we just kept discussing whether or not she hated me and coming to the same conclusion, that it was ridiculous.
and i actually talked to her about it. sort of. on christmas eve, she kept responding to my kind of optimistic and fun small talk with stuff like "ah". this was a couple days before i resent the email again. what happened then, during that first conversation, was i think this: after i got a couple of really dead responses from her, i apologized, and she said it was ok. then i just came out and told her that i didnt know how to act around her. i told her i had just recently gotten more afraid of doing nothing than doing something, so i was doing something. okay, im just going to quote all of this directly:
me:its [alex]. sorry im kind of hyper or something i guess.
her:right.
me:bleh. im sorry.
her:its fine.
me:i dont know how to act around you, but ive become more afraid of doing nothing than doing something
her:ok? just be normal. whats the worst thats going to happen?
me:you will hat me forever? idk i never know what to think...
her:how can you not know what to think? im not going to hate you. its better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you arent.
[wtf?]
me:you dont know what i mean? my self consciousness is magnified by you
her:sorry? im nothing to be intimidated by. im just a girl with no self esteem whos failing all her classes and is pretty much throwing her life away
me:uhm i guess you mean a lot more to me than that to me thats all. too much youd prolly say. we should talk more about this later if you want...
at this point the conversation ended , because she had gone to bed and i was late with the last one.
a couple days later i re sent that email. i guess i thought that maybe she hadnt skipped over it in her inbox on accident or something... twice... or maybe that she was scared to answer and now she wouldnt feel as weird about it because we had been talking more. i dont know. but that kind of made me really scared, for the time that she was online. like i was just about to find out the truth, and i didnt really know what it was going to be... but like i said she didnt respond.
the day after that in the afternoon i sent her another text message, trying to contact her again:
me:hey. i sent you an email. did you get it?
i was just being to the point. i just wanted to know. i didnt want to sound like i was almost going insane, even though i was.
she didnt respond to it
me:answer me? please?
her:you havent sent me anything for a while
me:i did again last night. why cant you answer them?
her:cuz i didnt get any of them
me: oh. i thought you must had. im sorry... ive been blowing some things way out of porportion. we should talk...
so right then, i was feeling about as good as i ever had about the whole thing. i was more assured then i had ever been before that she just didnt get the emails for some reason, and she didnt mind talking to me, and she was about ready to try and be friends again.
i was outside, shoveling the walk.
it was such a good feeling.
it was a shocking goodness.
it was like
the opposite of one of those horrible surprises. the opposite of when we broke up.
i just felt so amazingly good that for sure, one way or another, things would get better between us and everything would be alright again.
her next message:yea. um, please stop constantly texting me and emailing me and being over all clingy. its really obnoxious and i need a break. like, now. stop overanaly
i didnt text her back then. i tried to keep shoveling. i ended up walking away down the alley, trying to get hold of myself. telling myself that i can deal with this by my self now and with more time we can be friends again. i had completely written off the idea of texting her back again. i had in fact even forgotten that i still had my phone with me, a method of contact with her, that i wasnt really all alone on my walk. i climbed a tree to try and calm myself down. i sat there. then i remembered that it was actually possible for me to text her back. i already knew what i was going to say... i guess i had already thought of all the things i could say to her, and that walk to the tree, all the things i wanted to say, and the one thing that might be best
me:we barely talked. i was just trying to be your friend again.
her:I need a break. ive got like, 5 emails from you last time i checked from you that i have no intention of replying to cuz i really need a break. whether or not you picked up on it, you were pretty shitty to me. now leave me alone. im trying to draw.
there were three emails, technically.
one of them was just bumping the first one, because i didnt know that she had gotten it, because she hadnt replied.
the third one was also bumping the first one, because i didnt know that she had gotten it, because she hadnt replied, and in it i added some stuff about how we couldnt be friends if she didnt reply, because i thought she at the very least wanted to be my friend, and i had no idea why she wasnt replying.
yeah. right. that counts as five.
and i was shitty to you? I neVER FUCKING KNEW BECAUSE YOU NEVER FUCKING TOLD ME
me:i never knew any of this. i had no idea. you never told me. fuck you too then i guess...
her:i told you to leave me the hell alone. since apparently i was a 'shitty girlfriend' i guess you dont deserve to know
what in fucking hell? because someone told you i said you were a shitty girlfriend, or because i agreed with you when you said it, or whatever, i dont deserve to know that you didnt like the way i was treating you? yes. that makes logical sense. and my logic doesnt make sense. WHAt THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
me:what? i got reliant on you and i didnt know what to do when ignoring me. i completely lost control. see this is why we should talk about these things even if we cant be friends anymore. at least well know what the hell happened.
her:i dont care. learn to fend for yourself.
me:why do you hate me now?
her:because you were shit to me. i asked you to leave me alone. im trying to have a nice evening.
gah.
a confirmation that she hates me.
i
died
right then
my subconscious made a plan
i had just gotten a new knife
its like i didnt even have a choice
its a in a weird criss cross pattern this time. i dont know why. it hurt more.
im beginning to get better at it. starting to be able to forget the pain completely and focus in on... whatever else its doing i guess.
it felt good.
that was last night
i thought about it all
today i asked her
me:so why did you tell me to act natural and that you werent going to hate me just the other day?
her:because i was still trying to make myself think you hadnt done anything wrong.
what the fuck.
as if she hadnt done anything wrong. really.
and i guess she didnt think that i cared about her, and i could not just willingly stand by when she was having anxiety attacks
i guess thats just it though. she never knew how much i cared.
me:ah. okay.
i thought about that for a while.
me:how open are you to talking about this logically? you can just say no.
her:not at all. your logic doesnt make sense anyways.
me:ok you didnt need to say that. thats why i just said you could say no.
control your fucking emotions you idiot. sure we can not talk about this but stop fucking trying to hurt me.
i tried to text her something that wouldnt make her hate me more. it failed, but whatever.
me:ok how about we dont talk and you just say things at me instead?
it seemed like a good idea at the time. though i didnt word it very clearly. i just wanted her to rant about me. just to get some more knowledge i guess.
her:how about you stop fucking texting me like i asked you to do
me:ok. im sorry. i just cant move on.
her:why?
me:ok. im not trying to be hostile, but you want to know why?
her:if it means youll stop incessantly texting me
me:oh... well i was really going to try and stop there but im not sure that was really going to happen. i think mostly neither of us understand the others position at all. and if we could then i think maybe we wouldnt eternally hate each other.
her:oh really?
god this sucks.
me:yeah, considering you were the only person ive ever been happy with, im kind of holding on to any last bit of hope...
her:i seem to remember you saying i was a shitty girlfriend
me:i never said that, i swear. thats what i had to ignore everyone else saying about you.
her:no, you did. at fall ball. who the hell said i was a shitty girlfriend?
me:i might have agreed with you, if you said it. i didnt go around telling people that. lots of people were telling me i could do better and shit, and i never listened to them.
her:who were they?
at that point we kind of started talking about that. i told her about some people i knew who would always way bad things about her when i talked about her. i often mentioned that i never listened to them, and that they bothered me...
it was a nice conversation. because she didnt tell me she hated me, in those last few text messages.
and she told me how she felt a little bit about some of those people, when she didnt have to. like she was just telling me, like a friend.
it was another one of those things, that was just another glimpse of hope, that felt so good by contrast.
i knew she didnt really want to talk to me though. or at least a very large and necessary part of her didnt. i hope that at least a very small barely surviving scrap of her then wanted to just talk to me there, and be my friend.
i dont know though.
me:yeah... ok do you want to stop talking to me now?
her:yes
me:im really sorry that i guess i dont know how to deal with stuff other than to be clingy. ill give you your space now.
i hope she didnt just look at that last message in disgust. like i think she did. and i hope that that last "yes" was written just as that, because she still cared about me, at least a little bit.
the fact that all it was, was just "yes", and not "yes. please dont text me again"
is
ALL
thats holding me together
what changed her feelings towards me so much?
what did i do?
why does just talking to her, calmly, make her hate me so much more??
someone please leave a comment... disregarding all of my emotions in the commentary... :
who is really at fault here?
this has been a rant. my apologizes. i hope you find it a bit more organized, compelling... more comprehensible as a story, at the very least.
erm
thank you.
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Posted by stag on 2007-12-29 00:17:13 | Rating: | Views: 243
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