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So... if any of you have read my previous "entries" about my relationship "confusion"... My boyfriend and I had our first real fight this weekend (we've been together 9 months?). And this exposed how much we really do not communicate well. It's difficult to explain without this turning into possibly the longest entry there has ever been? But... let's just say that the lack of communication has been slightly chipping away at us... or me... and in turn us from my end and he made an issue, out of something that really SHOULDN'T be an issue... which exposed the REAL issue we have with communicating... of not getting eachother... of him not "getting" me. It was a needless "fight" that snowballed into some realizations for me. We have a problem that, as far as I'm concerned, absolutely needs to be looked into and resolved... or this WILL NOT work.
I have somewhat become "the man" in this relationship. I seem to be the more "distant" one. He is the one needing reassurance... which of course is okay!! But it's different than anything I've been through... and I have been through some crazy relationship stuff. It's hard to explain... it gets much more dramatic with him... much more comments that basically are said JUST to get a response "you don't even care" ... out of nowhere, at that. I know I have been a bit distant. Not terribly... but a little different. And we've talked about it. I've been trying to get more me time.... and we've talked about that. Of course nothing is perfect. And I know that... but his reaction has been much more dramatic and I don't know how to deal with it. I know he needs more from me... more affection maybe... but I feel like he's blowing things way out of proportion... which has exposed these issues that I have been suspicious of, among others.
He says that this is the first relationship he's cared this much about, and that he's put so much into... and he's been in several serious relationships before me. And I have been extremely appreciative because he is VERY sweet and good to me. I have, however, been in an EXTREMELY emotional relationship. For years.... where I laid everything I had down, gave him all of me, all my dreams, love, sacrificed so much of myself (that it was detremental to me) for that love, for him, for us. I fought and fought and fought. And I was destroyed by this man (the first love I have mentioned) and had to rebuild myself and find myself again. So it's a little more difficult for me to be SO vulnerable I guess? I'm not at all the kind of person that finds it hard to open up to people. Even after having been destroyed by someone. BUT I am not as naive about certain things as I used to be. I'm not as ready to be AS vulnerable. So you would think that we would be able to teach eachother some things, you know? But it doesn't feel like there is much room for that... because it is becoming VERY clear that we do NOT communicate well.. and he is NOT getting me, and I am probably NOT completely getting him, either. I'm not as ready to fight, as I was in the past with someone else. I don't have the energy in me.
In the beginning it was so great. I had gotten out of this extremely bad situation. We have known eachother for many years. And he makes me laugh, we have a good time together, we click. Things are "easy", not so emotionally over the top and emotionally exhausting. It felt nice. It was a relief. But it has of course, come to the point where I need more now...more below the surface stuff. And I am wondering... I am scared... that we may not be able to reach that. From what I have seen with our first "fight". I'm already exhausted after a day and a half of dealing with it... that's how stressful a "fight" it is. I say "fight" because it was a strange, small issue, that blew up. I know that is important to be able to fight "right". And we clearly have not done that together. And I believe that I do normally fight "right". I'm lookin at both sides, I'm trying to be reasonable, calm. And I'm still not getting much understanding or much back from him.
I have not been in "the mood" lately. At all. Ugh. I've been exhausted... stressed about money, work, our lack of communication and "possibly" connection that has been bothering me lately (which I've brought up before about... recently)... the fact that we don't seem to TALK. Mere on the surface stuff... our scripted convos that we have each day... and so on. Now, I am 7 days LATE. Yes. LATE. This never happens to me. I have been very bad about my pill. I feel like an a**hole. Not that we have been partaking much lately... but that doesn't matter... there's still stuff happening here and there through these last weeks of "stress" and "distance". (I keep using the quotes because that's the best way to describe my very complicated and confusing feelings and mind-set as of late) So on top of everything else, I am freaking out about that now. I tell him this, last night... that I'm scared... that I'm not exactly down for any "action". He tries anyway. I tell him again, I'm scared, I'm not really in the mood, I'm stressed. He says "I don't think you're pregnant." As if that makes it true and as if that's all that should be said. As if that makes me go "ALRIGHT!!! SEX TIME." lol please. I guess in that way I am NOT the guy. But.... W T F!!!! This is the perfect example of the general, not big answers that I get anytime I try to talk about anything serious... anything that I'm thinking... not much feedback really. I love him but DAMN!!! I mean... REALLY!! I'm really starting to feel very "........". So I've told him that I'm worried...we've had this strange "fight"/talk and I've expressed myself pretty well. Which I don't think he soaks up.... because in the middle of the night he is trying again. Now I'm flipping. "You are not respecting the way that I feel... this is why I say that you don't listen to me.... that you are not hearing me..." basically leave me alone or I will get violent. I felt like I couldn't breathe. Then the beginnings of an anxiety attack set in... I can feel it coming on... I can feel the fear... I feel like I'm going to lose it. Thinking...what if I am pregnant... I am terrified. I feel like that could be the worst possible thing that could happen right now. I feel like such an idiot. This is no type of relationship to be having a kid. Wouldn't it just serve me right. Not being completely open and honest as much as I should be about how I'm feeling... and being irresponsible.
I am terrified. Something that makes me even more terrified is not being able to imagine having a child w/ it not being my ex's. Isn't that awful??? I'm an awful, awful person. I thought "I'm "going" to have a child that is not "his"." Awful. I mean not that I feel that way through and through... but that's a thought I had during my freak out.
I took 2 first response tests this weekend with a few of my girlfriends there for support. It says that if you get two lines... you are pregnant. One, you are not. Well, I had 2 lines, one being very very faint to the point that I was confused. I took both tests.... both turned out this way. So, I look around on the internet... find all sorts of people that this has happened to... and never out of any of these stories... were they NOT pregnant. I am terrified. I am in no way shape or form ready to handle this. I'm an idiot right? Shouldn't be having sex then, huh? Ugh. I'm going to call the doctor and make an appointment for as soon as I can get in.
I am so very terrified. Beyond words. I need to stop because I am at work and I am about to start bawling. But I had to get this out.
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Posted by spinningreflection on 2007-12-17 11:09:01 | Rating: | Views: 120
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I feel like I need to explain a little more about how I'm feeling right now and why I am scared. I just read a blog by someone who has lost babies. Miscarried. And I would never want someone to read this and think that I would not appreciate a life inside me, and a life from my own. I realize that if I am in fact pregnant... that I will be able to accept whatever comes at me to do my best, to love with all of my being (something tells me that would be automatic of course!!) but right now I am right in the thick of the fear of not being able to provide for a child. For not being able to bring a child into a stable mommy/daddy relationship. I just don't want to sound ungrateful if I am in fact pregnant. It's the fear and being unsure of what's happening right now... that I wanted to get out. I hope that I didn't in some way hurt anyone's feelings that may have read and thought that I was being... well... a B*tch.
lots of love. xoxoxo
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Posted by spinningreflection
on 2007-12-17 12:09:15
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I can understand where you are coming from. I was late for about 3 or 4 days...which was very out of the normal for me. I had to wait a little to take the test too. It kinda shed alot of light on the situation, that I really didn't want the man's child, but that I would take care of it/ have the child if the test was positive(against the guys wishes...ya way to tell me what to do with my body) It turned out it was negative.
So, believe me when I say that people have been in your shoes and can understand what you are saying.
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Posted by consistentlyincon...
on 2007-12-17 22:07:16
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Thank you so much CI. I was worried about that... I think that this has opened my eyes to quite a bit as well... we will see what happens when I find out. Thank you! xoxoxo
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Posted by spinningreflection
on 2007-12-19 10:24:46
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Let me ask you some questions.
Can you truly be yourself with this man?
Can you truly be yourself when you are alone?
A relationship will never make you whole.
Only coming to terms with who you are within yourself will make you whole.
My relationship used to mirror yours here.
I was seeking for a man to make me whole.
No other human being can ever do that for us.
We tend to blame our mate for us not feeling satisfied.
When truly, we can only find satisfaction when we accept ourselves just the way we are.
Peace.
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Posted by DifficultSoul
on 2007-12-21 18:12:32
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You are right DS, I know that. And I think that's why I do so much over-analyzing in these situations I get in with him. Because I can be myself with him and alone. But it seems as if there is something missing often. And it's been difficult for me to pinpoint it. I went through a lot with another guy... and I did find that to be true, that we do need to accept ourselves first to be happy. And I did some work on that. Maybe I still have more to go :) Cause when it comes to this relationship... I am still confusing the hell out of myself as to why I feel like something's lacking... it's really kind of hard to explain. :(
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Posted by spinningreflection
on 2008-01-03 09:26:50
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